End of the road

So it's my first time on any forum and after a year of escalation I've finally been round and told my parents tonight and I feel so relieved right now. I have no other immediate family or spouse to be able to discuss this with so it's been festering inside for so long.

Not sure on the size of this post but wanted to put my story out there and just verify how much weight it lifts to speak to someone...

So I was made redundant at the start of 2017 and up until this point I always end a gamble, maximum I'd ever lost was probably a couple of hundred pounds on a night out at the casino, never had an issue walking away. So during my time unemployed I came across online casinos, had a bit of fun on some slots and came across roulette. Started of with £2 bets on red/black then up to £5 bets and two months in I'm £6k up and loving it. Then I get a job and all of a sudden I have less time to gamble. My mentality switches from it being something to make the days pass and having fun to I don't have any time for it and am losing a source of income. Before I know it I'm increaseing my bets and then it happens...I lose the 6k and then lose 8k of my own money trying to get it back. I'm devastated.

I pack it in for a while and formulate a plan to win the money back. New site, new method. It's going well, I've got my money back and I'm winning money again and a fair amount too. Then I lose my winnings, win them back, lose them and this goes on for a period of time until one night. I lose control and end up playing with half my savings now in my online account, after about 4 hours and going from half my savings to 10% of my savings and then managing to get it all back I somehow stop myself. Next day I get an email from the online casino asking for documents to verify funds, I call them 6/7/8 times that day but can't get through to the relevent team. They wont let me withdraw the money or freeze my account. Took my 10 minutes that evening to lose the entire amount. All in all I've now lost about 60% of my savings.

And this is where the true nightmare began...I admit to myself I have an issue and speak to someone over the phone, get the advice that I need to speak to my family about it and look to get support/structure in my life to help me. To try and put into context my mum is a lovely person and for me to tell her I've lost so much money would break her heart and my dads worked since he was 12 so he would never be able to wrap his head around how anyone could lose the amount of money I have - talking well over the 10% deposit on a house here. So I decide I want to tell my parents but I can't - I let slip how much money I had to them when I was up a fair bit so decide I have to win everything back before I can tell them.

I'd like to point out that after this loss I didn't eat or sleep for 2 days, sat crying alone and called in sick to work the next day - my previous last sick day being over 5 years ago. I formulated another plan - set it out over 5 weeks. It was hell, having to go on every day and try to win and struggle for hours on some days. It felt like torture up until the 4th week. Now I've nearly got all the money back, I've got my losses back and am earning my winnings back, all of a sudden I'm enjoying it again. End of the 5th week I've won it all back. Do I tell my parents? Of couse not, I think I've learnt my lesson, I wrote myself notes reminding myself how bad I felt and that by reading them before I gamble I wont ever do the same again.

I went on to do it twice more. This attempt to accumlate my money back now was just to win my own money back, I'd given up on getting the winnings I'd lost back. Again I had it all planned out, 4 more sessions and I'd have it back. I won what I outlined I needed to tonight but because I'd struggling going up, down, up down for hours before reaching it I felt I'd win a little bit more for my hard effort. What started as a £50 bet went on to lose me £11000 (down more than this in total). And I'd already reached my target, I had no need to continue.

I broke. The last few months not sleeping, not eating, not having time for people, not caring about the state of my house had been hell. I couldn't face trying to win the money back again, not the amount I was down. I called my dad, said I was coming over and to expect to kick off with me and probably never want to speak to me again. I can't put into words how much I felt my parents were the ones that were least likely to ever understand what I was about to tell them, not in a millions years. They were there for me. Didn't kick off, didn't tell me they were done with me, didn't belittle my error. They were happy that I'd built up the courage to tell them and also happy I had told them before I lost all my savings and still had some money to my name.

They comforted me whilst I sat there crying explained everything to them. Agreed to let me transfer my remaining savings to them, got me back online and permanently self-excluded myself from the site I've been using and it was such a relief finally telling them. I can't stress enough how much of a positive thing it's been to tell them. It's weird thing to reference it with but I've been struggling to stomach anything lately due to the gamling and after telling them and coming home I was instantly starving and have eaten so much.

I feel compelled to put this out there as if there is even a single person reading this who is the position I was - please talk to someone close to you - I promise it will only make things easier. I spent nights trawling through these forums after my losses looking for a way out or to understand other people who'd been in the same situation. Don't think about it - everytime I took a second to think I hesitated, just pick up the phone or turn and tell them you need to talk about a serious matter. Even if my parents hadn't of accepted what I told them and kicked me out I had the mentality that now they know I have a reason not to gamle anymore - to prove to them I can do it.

I've lost thousands but the way I see it by telling them now I've also saved the thousands I may have gone on to lose. I've told them now and can't hide it. Apologies if my English isn't up to scratch, my brain isn't exactly working properly right now but, compressed into thread that's my story. And so begins that journey for me. Day 1 of the rest of my life.