Hi Everyone, hope you are all doing well.
I'm a first time poster, so hope this is going into the right place on the forums - forgive me if not...
If I briefly tell my story, then hopefully someone can point me in the right direction:
So...it goes back to late 2009 - Life was good, had a brand new house, with everything a lad in his mid 20's would need, as well a savings account with a £5k balance, to help prepare for my future. Things were pretty good.
Although my friends and I would spend most summer days (and weekend days) at the local fair/amusement arcades in my early to mid teens, I very rarely had a gamble, in any form from then on. Other than the stereotypical Grand National £1 each way on some three legged rank outsider.
Fast forward a few years, and the commercialisation/popularity of football accumulators, I was perfectly happy to stick a quid on a 15 teamer, with returns that I could retire on - but was totally in control, never ever felt the urge to put more than one bet on, or spend more than £1.00, or even have the urge to bother going out just to put a 'daft bet' on. Probably the same as 95% of people who can have a gamble and forget it, dismissing it as either a bit of harmless fun, or a complete waste of a quid!
So far so good then?? The next part is where is went wrong.
I can remember this day with unbelievable accuracy.
w**********l. High street. Saturday, Mid-Day. A few of us went in together, some to put a football bet on, and at that time I wasn't even bothering to put one on (ironic I know!) - at this point I was very much one of the ''it's a waste of £1.00'' crew.
Whilst inside, I bumped into an old school friend standing at a FOBT, with someone else I didn't know, playing Roulette. At that point, whilst generally chatting to my mate (who never really took his eyes of the screen, now that I remember) suddenly bursts into a 'Get in there, what a f*****g beauty' etc etc. It was at this point he told me that he had £5.00 on number 26, winning £180. His total bet was only £10.00 - Allthough I was happy he won, my immediate thought was 'God £10.00 on a spin of a wheel' (I'm still in the 'waste of £1.00 crew' at this point, remember!). I was intrigued as to how so much money can be won, so quickly, without having to wait 90 mins for a match.
He offered to 'go halves' with me on a spin if I was interested, £10.00 each and he'd pick the numbers. Although it would be the most I'd ever spent in any visit to a bookies in my life, I agreed, gave him £10.00 and he matched it with his own. The whole £20.00 was staked, start button was pressed.................36, Red, Even comes out the machine speaker (and I don't know if that's good or bad at this point!) - but it was, 36 had £4 sitting on it, and our £20.00 bet was now worth £144.00.
I took my £72.00 and ran, declined the offer to 'go again' and had a cracking night out courtesy of Mr Hills roulette machine.
Well, you all know what happened next.
Thoughts of 'it was easy money' 'any one can do it' and the usual reasoning we've all came accustomed to, lead me to pop into hills and have a game of roulette. By this time I had already read about the martingale system, so was going on to play red/black even money only, non of this ''£5.00 on 26 rubbish''.
It didn't work. I lost six spins running, costing me £81.
I was distraught - I couldn't justify to myself losing that kind of money, so I thought I'd have a try and win it back....
The next 6 years bring me to today. Completely hooked to these cancerous machines. £20k in debt, living at home (with mum). I've quit twice before for 3 months and 4 months each time, but have always gone back even though I know I how it'll end. I've never stolen, but I've lied my way thought the last 6 years in terms of where I have been, or where my wages have gone. It's now time to try and get rid of this demon for good. Big loss on Wednesday afternoon of just shy of £1000 was the final straw, all on the spin of a wheell eh?!?!?
Feel like I've lost my life, my self esteem and not just what is likely over £100,000 to a computer terminal designed to take my money from me.
I'm hoping the forums will help me break the cycle, actually talking to people who are going through, or have gone through the same situation and managed to quit for good - almost like I'd be completely embarrassed and have more people I'd let down if I went back to gambling after telling you all my story...
Thanks for reading 🙂
Hi ANH.
You have very eloquently described the development of a cg and how it surreptitiously and deviously creeps up on even the most sensible and intelligent of people.
Here is the beginning of your rebuilding of your life. You can do it but it will not be easy, as I can attest to. Read everything you can on here. There is a lot of excellent advice.
Best wishes.
Hi Man and welcome to the forums!
Proud of you for taking a big step to recovery. I could really relate to your story which is why I felt so compelled to reply and show you that you can get back on top. Just like yourself I was hooked off my first big real win, Arsenal down 4-0 at HT I decided to take a random flutter and place a bet on them coming back to win the match Draw/no bet. The match ended 4-4 and I can remember to this day the sensation that took over my body. I was hooked and like yourself the next few years that followed catapulted me into a deep depression.
I sat up most nights picking random teams for a quick fix win, wasting my savings on accumalators here and there. It got to the point I was spending my whole months wage on gambling within the first few days of getting the money. I am such a funny and positive guy most of the time, back then I had to hide the fact that inside I felt like I couldnt really go on for much longer. It got to the point where I started stealing money from my mother and father, I remember thinking to myself "What the f*** have I became, who is this person?"
I believe it was 2014 before I finally got the courage to say NO MORE. I had already told my parents and grandmother about the addiction, they had placed blocking sites on my smartphone and PC but I still found ways to gamble. I believe the real change came shortly after my grandfathers death. I remember visiting him in hospital, as he lay there talking to me all I could really fixate on were the scores on an accumalator I had on. Ill never get that precious time back with him, shortly after his death something dawned on me. It wasnt about the money anymore, it was about getting my life back on track and making something of myself.
Something just took over me and like that Ive never looked back. Sure I wont lie the temptation arises from time to time, but I take a good look around at what I have achieved and say a massive f*** you to gambling xD.
I am now in the green with savings and my bank account. I finished university and 2 years after graduating I am now the marketing manager of pretty successful business. I have my own place, Ive passed my driving test and bought a car. Ive also found someone Ive fell in love with and Im currently writing a book on my recovery and life after gambling. I am not saying any of this to show off, I just want you to knowthat like every other person on this planet you can really make something of your dreams. Get yourself back on track and bin this horrible addiction which has taken so much away from you.
Never give up on yourself my friend, I wish you all the best in your recovery
Thanks for reading 😉
Thanks to you both for replying - it means a lot just to hear there is a couple of people out there who want to reply and help. Im iterested to see how you both managed the first few weeks/months with such a huge thing hanging over your head, and suddenly so much more free time?
I started on a lot of self help work, reading books and practising meditation. Ill admit I was very much in the "Meditation?! are you for real" group but it has changed my life. Ive obessed with self help work on youtube. Watching videos from Robert kiyosaki,steve jobs, Tony robbins and just getting generally excited about life again. If I felt a massive urge to gamble, exercise seemed to work very well for me, getting out there into nature and really getting in touch with your body/mind works wonders. I would highly recommend watching or reading on Eckhart Tolle who is a spiritual teacher I have followered for years. Again this kind of stuff might not be what you like but everyone is different.
What is it that you have great passion for, that you love to do and can be really present whilst doing it? It can literally be anything. My thing is bubble baths hahahaha and it's very unmanly for me to say it but I love soaking in the tub with a few candles on. Mate you're gonna be ok, create a vision of what you want in life and go after it with all you got!. If you wanna ask anything else im always here for a chat!
Thanks again for the reply. I've been keeping a diary, as daft as it sounds, to try and have something to reflect back on when days turn into weeks etc.
I'm thinking about starting a post with each day, to keep me occupied and possibly help any other newbies like me 🙂
Sounds like a great idea man, as cheesy as it sounds We're all in this together!. You can start your recovery diary on the forums today, keep checking in everyday. Id love to read how you get on with your progress mate.
and remember........
Hi a new hope
Thats very well written and it is how many people have a win reinforce the neuron path to addiction.
I dont agree with any gambling now. However I have to say that my early "wins" of say £300 made me think this is nice and never happened with the lottery. It did start me thinking oooooh I could do with this every week.
However and this is the crunch. It didnt happen again in 10 months of playing! There were far lesser amounts but the stark reality is that they would have made no real difference in the quality of my life especially as I was suffering from varying levels of depression. I fed the money back in anyway because I was so ill that the hit came before buying anything nice or walking away.
Gamblers seek greater hits not weaker ones so the chasing behavior becomes stronger
EVERYONE FOCUS ON THAT IT DIDNT HAPPEN AGAIN IN 10 MONTHS OF GAMBLING!!. Even if it had happened Im sure it would just have reinforced another year of gambling behaviour. I handed them thousands!!!
I know I ended up just seeking the hit. The money actually didnt matter. Only later when the cupboards were bare and thats the strength of an addiction causing self harm.....Fix Fix...I suppose you liken it to someone seeking class A from any dodgy supplier at any risk to short or long term health.
I wasnt playing for money that could change my life. I was playing in a trance of escape from lifes woes. I added to my problems by gambling so its a vicious wheel of self destruction.
I hit an all time low and thats when I said no more through the tears!. This low was constant crying and the worst feeling I have ever had. The self exclusion worked well for me because I didnt feel welcome and Im not the sort of person that tries to get back in where I could be embarrassed or escorted out.
One of the things I see with gamblers is that they all talk like its 1000/1 on the only four legged horse. They tempt people in to ill behaviour with.... go on..... go on. In reality your aquaintance was halving his risk when he asked you to join. With friends like that you dont need enemies in that sense. Like anything addicts will encourage other people to be addicts.
I only did the bookies for six months. I say only but it was the heaviest loss I have ever experienced in that time.
No sir Im extremely glad to be out of it. I feel my mind has had a hard reset or a re formatting like a clean hard drive.
I see the danger and Im firmly aware of the danger now.
Gamble free is a lovely calm feeling and Im sure you will join us and help others
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thanks for the reply and encouraging words my friend - as per a previous comment I've decided to post the diary, just so I can refer to something when the dark clouds are forming above my head. I Know what you mean about playing for escape, it's never about the money, or hasn't been for a long time now...
You have got pretty good advice here already but I'll try to add to it in some way. I'm only 4 days into my most recent AND LAST(ing) attempt at recovery but am going for it all the way this time. Total unadulterated honesty is where it starts, no more lies or half truths. All forms of gambling are done for me and that includes the lottery. It's too easy to start justifying only a quid, then it progresses to a couple quid on the footy. Sooner rather than later it's a fiver, tenner, fifty, 500. Believe me that's how it goes.
For me I have made a choice to become a better man and someone my son can look at and be proud. It starts with quitting gambling but doesn't stop there. Recovery is for life. The money lost can be earned back but time can not. You mentioned about the time before you grandfather past, make a promise to yourself it won't ever happen again. We've all lost time and for what? Money? The thrill and buzz etc? f**k that! Time is so precious to us all and I for one won't be wasting anymore throwing money away.
Well done on seeking help, hope you stick around!
Thanks Sam, you're right about time lost - I can honestly say I don't even think I can highlight one good thing I've accomplished in the last couple of years!! I plan to stick around, hope all goes well with your battle too!!
Good mutual respect and comradery lads coz we're all in this together and we want to see everyone grow. You're both doing great and got the right attitude.
Your story is virtually identical to mine, probably around the same age too. Never had an issue until I stumbled upon and had an initial win on those awful FOBTs. They really are a killer, especially the speed in which you can lose hundreds of pounds.
Self exclusion helped me sack them off, although the past few years I've been gambling on online roulette which is probably worse. Only on day 5 myself
Anyway wishing you well, you can do it, get those barriers up
HFB
morning ANH,
just wanted to say good luck with your recovery, i advised that you come on here as often as possible as we are one big family. we all want to help each other and there is so much support from the members here.
Keep strong, stay focussed and i wish you all the best mate
Ben
Well done on making the decision to quit your gambling. FOBTs are a major issue IMO, that has taken gambling out of the home to a whole new level.
I never ever went into bookies as an adult in the 80's or 90's. I had no interested in betting on horses/dogs/football etc (and still don't), so never used to enter them.
Then I became mates with a few people who were into it. It seemed around the year 2000 when football betting in particular suddenly became a much bigger thing. So I had the odd bet, with mates and found I was entering the bookies with them half a dozen times a month.
Still not a problem, never bet much, always saying come on lets go, it's boring.
But then suddenly the machines started to appear. I've never ever been a roulette fan and I still aren't, I think it's very boring, so can't understand how people play it for any significant time. But I loved the fruit machines and suddenly £500 jackpots were appearing on machines in bookies. Why would I bother with the £35 jackpot machines in pubs/arcades.
While it wasn't my main addiction (online slots gambling being that), I found myself entering bookies on my own for the first time ever in my life, to play them. Everytime I went in with mates, it was me suddenly wanting to just be another 5 minutes, while I shove this £20 note in this slot machine.
So the best of luck to you, for stopping as you put it, playing these cancerous machines. I'm sure if you stick around and posts here, you can make it and start to lead a normal happy life again.
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