Gambling addiction

Hi, I am a 30 year old man who has had his life destroyed by my overwhelming addiction to gambling. Time and time again I have hit rock bottom due to this compulsion which has ruined every part of my life since my school days.

An ongoing problem I have never sought help for since the age of 15. Something I have wanted to deal with for so many years but have never had the balls to address properly although it continues to ruin my life time and time again. So many times I've "addressed" the problem and said "that's it I'm done, never again" and yet here I am.

I have an extremely compulsive nature, once I start doing something I find it almost impossible to break habits, drugs,drink, gambling, what I eat, drink, almost anything I do.

At the age of 15 I started buying scratch cards, not one or two at a time but 20 or 30 at once. The thrill I got was just too much by the age of 17 my problems really started to gather pace. This coincided with me being able to get served in the pub and ever since then the flashing lights of the fruit machines have destroyed me. In the space of 4 months I managed to blow in the region of £6000 purely on fruit machines with a £35 jackpot. This all being funded by illicit means. At the time I justified this as an expense for learning to play. The source of income dried up and in the following 6 months I turned to pay day loans and fraud to fund my habit. This left me with debts of nearly £9000 before the age of 20.

During this time my son was born and gambling coupled with excessive drinking cost me my relationship with his mother. Fast forward a few years and I'm into my next long term relationship which is ultimately destroyed by gambling and drugs (no longer alcohol I have a new vice coupled with my gambling). This one was aware of the problem and desperately tried to get me to seek help which I flatly declined. This was my problem I'd sort it out (guess how that went). Another promise to myself to sort it out and another broken relationship.

I've had the problem so long now I'm extremely good at hiding it but meet the love of my life, my now ex fiancée. She knew I liked to play the fruit machines as did everyone I knew but that's what I did she didn't see any major problems. Now I get so depressed losing hundreds of pounds a time on the fruit machines I start going to the bookies instead. I'd rather put £200 on a game of football knowing at least I had some chance of a return rather than just playing the fruitties until I'd maxed my bank account for the day. Or if I did still have cash by closing time in the pub then down to the all night casino until I was bankrupt. Whatever happened I would play until there was nothing left no matter how much i had won. Understating wins so as to keep a stake back for future gambling, I spiralled into depression due to the shame of what I was doing. £200, £500, £1000 bets ever increasing until I effectively gave up on the relationship due to my lack of self worth. The hatred for myself is now at an all time high I would physically hurt myself as punishment for what I was doing. Punch a wall, head but a lamppost or a favourite biting myself, fingers especially as doesn't really leave many visible marks. I've been so low on occasions I have considered ending things. Thankfully I've thought of the impact that would have on people that care for me and so was never able to go through with it. Another trip to the pub another big loss and I self implode effectively killing the relationship in one almighty rage.

This has been my defining moment though driving me to this post and finally seeking help which has been needed for so many years.

Gambling has ruined every aspect of my life, I feel an outcast from society due to it, unable to speak with people and make friends. I started university in the evenings 18 months ago and until this week had only spoken to two people in that time even avoiding seminars so as to not interact with people.

I want to change this habit and live a normal life but feel trapped. Another relationship destroyed, another person left in my trail of destruction. I hate myself for it.

At last I have started the process though and would appreciate any feedback on how to move my life forward. I intend to start going to GA meetings in the next week and my intention is to use this as an open letter to my family and friends as it is impossible to tell people to their faces. Whether I will have the guts to send the link to people is still to be seen but I hope so much. This is killing me and I can't take it any longer.