My partner has gambled for our whole 3.5 year long relationship. We have gone in a continuous loop of him losing substantial amounts of money, me saying this is the last chance and just hoping for change that has never come. 4 weeks ago he lost the biggest amounts he has ever lost and I really wanted to put my foot down and show I was serious that this was it. I gave him the ultimatum that he needs to seek professional help and tell his family because I can’t do this on my own anymore. He didn’t do the things I asked him to do at the time and relapsed again 2 days ago. The difference is this time is that he has told his family. This is of course a promising and hopeful step, but I can’t seem to get past the trust lost and heartbreak that I have endured throughout the relationship. Aside from this we have an amazing relationship, but I am struggling to see how my needs are being fulfilled right now as I am completely putting himself before my own needs. I understand how selfish this may sound considering what he is going through, but this leads me to the idea that maybe I should give him this time to work through this properly for the first and focus on himself or should I be sticking with him.Â
Any replies would be greatly appreciatedÂ
from a very confused and emotional drained partnerÂ
I have said it before many times on here, but when a person issues an ultimatum, if they don't follow through with it then there is no recourse for the person it is leveraged against. I know this from personal experience with my ex-partner. Ultimatums are really tricky, but if there is no action after an ultimatum is broken, then the next time a person says "do X or Y will happen", the person knows that actually nothing will happen and there is no requirement to change their behaviour.Â
He may have told his family, but has he gone to other levels as well (e.g. has he handed over the keys to his finances to you, does he still have access to joint accounts, will he attend meetings etc.)
It sounds harsh, but at the moment you have backed yourself into a bit of a corner where you make a threat/ultimatum, he probably stops for a day or so and then starts again. Rinse and repeat. Sometimes (and it is hard) you need to take a strong line and say enough is enough.Â
@andywilliams1187 thank you so much for the reply. 100% I haven’t been strong enough to follow through with the things I have said so I suppose how can I expect change from him when he knows I will forgive and forget every time. As hard as it is it may be time to take a step back.Â
Thank you!Â
Dear @e2it0nkbxgÂ
It can be confusing, frustrating, upsetting and exhausting to have a loved one that is struggling with their gambling. You mentioned that he has admitted there is an issue to his family but has he accessed professional support to help address the reasons behind the gambling behaviour and to help learn alternative coping strategies? With the right support people can and do recover from problem gambling and we are here to offer advice and free confidential support across the UK. This support is also available to you as someone affected by another's gambling because you deserve emotional support to process your own feelings and have a safe space to explore your options and ways to support your partner should you choose to stay. You are of course within your right to choose whether you wish to continue with the relationship and always have the choice of taking time apart should you need it. We are here for you whatever you decide and you can speak with our trained non-judgmental advisers via the helpline 24/7 on 0808 8020 133 where our advisers can talk through the options available.Â
Take Care
Rachel
Forum Admin
@e2it0nkbxg It can be very difficult to break a cycle especially when it is someone that you love and care for. I don't necessarily agre with going down the route of coping strategies/one FINAL ultimatum (and this will 100% be the last time).Â
It might sound harsh, but my first marriage fell apart because I ignored every ultimatum that was given to me (we even both attended GA) and my mrs left. We actually get on really well now and both have our own little families with different partners, but I never really understood the damage I inflicted on my partner until a couple of months after we split up and realised that I had basically taken the P*** out of her for years just doing my own thing and spending thousands in the process. I was lucky in the sense that I never really did massive financial damaage as I have always earned a decent wage. For my partner, it was not the financial impact that worried her, it was the constant broken promises and lies that finised us off (just going out for an hour, didn't come back for 12 hours. Only a small bet this week, account showed thousands at the casino etc.) In the end she jsut said no more ultimatums, I am going back to my dads and that's when the realisation hit of how badly I had messed things up
Some relationships can recover, others don't. But whatever you decide you need to be strong and make a decision that is best for you. If a person refuses to listen and get help, then there does come a point where you have to be a little bit selfish (which there is nothing wrong with) and just look at what is best for yourself
Hi
I walked in to the recovery program back in 1969.
I was not there for myself.
Not untill I got honest with myself could I get honets with the world.
The gambling was a form of escape me facing my hurt inner child.
The pains of my past caused fears in me that I did not understand.
I was so used to living a facade of not showing the world how I trully felt.
In time I opened up and peeled back the onion and started to heal the hurt inner child in me.
In time giving therapieas I would be able to articulate what my feelings and emotions were.
Even once I was abale to stop gambling the fears remained in me for yeasr after wards.
Reduced fears lead to healthy trust.
Each time I went to gambling I got understand each of my emotional triggers.
My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal.
My emotional triggers were my fears I could not reduce.
My emotional triggers were my unreasonable expectations of people live and situations.
My emotional triggers were feeling bored.
My emotional triggers were not being able to have itnimacy in my life.
Only when I loved myself could I love other people.
Only when I respected myself could I respect other people.
Dave L
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