Had a Bad Day.

Evening @time_to_stop

That is a sad post but hopeful at same time . You are now aware of your triggers and know what to do to get back on track and stop gambling. Loss of your father is a massive traumatic event and the numbness may be you not coping with your loss. Dont forget that there are professions that can help you through grief.

You are so right about it not being the financial loss and more about how you feel let down by your own self. I can hear that from you.  I know from supporting my own son for 9 years the trauma he felt and self loathing was immense after a complete blowout.

Perhaps call the helpline on 0808 8020 133 to reach out to an adviser to consider one to one help. 

I hope that you are about to rebuild again from here but hard to do all alone. So keep talking to Gamcare community. The chatroom are open at different times throughout the week and weekend where you can chat with others feeling vulnerable with their gambling habits too.

Hope all goes well

Patsy 

Online Peer Supporter

@time_to_stop hi Time and very sorry to hear about the loss of your father.

Please don't be too hard on yourself for the recent relapse.  You stopped even though it was a big loss.  It could have been bigger.

It sounds as though you are very self aware about the triggers to gamble for you personally.  I am sure through reading your post that this is a small bump on a more consistent GF road. 

I can well identify with the thoughts of being scared of yourself after a gambling session.  As though something else is in the driving seat.

Can you do something nice for yourself over the coming days to take your mind away from this?  Deffo would be good for you to talk to someone close?

Or just vent on here.  There is always someone who will read it at some point and get where you are coming from 👍 

Thank you Patsy and Bean for taking the time to read and reply to my post. It’s hugely appreciated.

Patsy, you’re very right. Beyond a superficially stoic ‘getting on with things’ façade, I’m increasingly recognising that I’m still in the midst of processing and grieving, and that this is a major contributory factor towards my all-round capacity at the moment (or lack thereof). I’m not going to say too much, as I’m aware that this isn’t the forum to deal with bereavement, but it’s been a very surreal few weeks, both in terms of sudden major change and the circumstances (it was unexpected).
I work for the NHS, and as a result of yesterday’s behaviour, have decided to ask my manager for a referral to occupational health to access some bereavement counselling.

Historically, for me gambling has mostly been a symptom (and trigger) of poor mental health, which I associate with prolonged low-mood, disengagement, low self-image etc.
I’ve never really associated it with a sense of ‘winning’ or trying to win, but instead as a way to perpetuate and validate a cycle of negative feeling.
Almost like a form of non-physical self-harm/sabotage, just dressed up as a (pointless/impossible) aim to ‘beat’ the game operator. All whilst throwing away large sums of cash, perhaps as a more tangible representation/consequence of being a ‘loser’.
In essence, I gamble to lose, which sounds a very strange thing to realise.
I am bitterly disappointed that despite having awareness of this, that I’ve still found myself again in the dissociative grip of gritted teeth, tunnel vision, trembling limbs and general dead-eyed blankness as I throw away deposit after deposit. This has been a wake-up call that I need to start addressing the other underlying things that are making me feel so disengaged and unhappy. I will try and get myself to a GP ASAP, and will continue to check in here, whether to post or to take inspiration from the posts of others.

Bean, thank you for your supportive words.
Without wanting to get weird they made me somewhat emotional.
 In the past, after a big gambling slip I would seek to admonish myself by immediately living frugally (breaking out the symbolic smart price beans on toast) as a form of penance. I’ve decided, with your inspiration, that I won’t be doing that this time. Instead I’m going to get a couple of small treats and try not to ruminate over what is lost financially. Thankfully, I did stop way before I caused irreparable damage to my savings (I lost about 5%) and whilst I don’t want to feel that any of this is an accomplishment, well, it’s certainly better than it could’ve been. Thank you for reminding me of that.
I have arranged to meet a friend on Friday for a catch-up/drink, and a bit of general support. I may well end up telling them about all of this. Not for sympathy or any intervention, but so that I can own the words that come out.
 And once they’re out, they can be left behind once we leave.

Day Two, a little less bad. 

 @time_to_stop I did the same.  I am very good at punishing myself for gambling.  I will deny myself a decent cup of coffee but then spend £1500 later that night on an online casino.   Or at least I did.  I am gambling free now.

A big key in beating gambling is rewarding yourself in other areas for not gambling.  It reinforces non gambling behaviour and is much cheaper lol.

Spend £50 on treating yourself because you are worth it and value yourself or lose £1000 at an online casino and hate yourself?

I work for the NHS as well and have found the support amazing.  But you need to be big enough to ask for the help.

It depends where you live but there are some great NHS CBT programs available.  If you are in the east midlands Google 'NHS Harms East Midlands ' they have an excellent program for those recovering from problem gambling.

All the best on your journey 

@thebean this is so true now looking at my past it seems so stupid what i was doing i remember counting the money many times over and would use loose change for food and stuff has i didnt want to break into notes only then to lose it all then regretting  my decision later on which i kept on repeating i would even go has far as walking half a mile just to save few pounds on stuff the worst thing was i always knew the outcome but in my mind i felt like my last money might be able to save me which happened a couple of time yet the 1000s time never registered with me

@thebean 
Thanks for the pointers towards NHS support. I'm West Midlands, but having just researched, we also have a Harms provision, which is provided by the (predominantly Mental Health) trust that I work within. 
I'm going to have an exploration of this before referring, as I have ex-colleagues who may well work for/facilitate this service. There are some (many in fact) who I would be happy/comfortable divulging to and seeking support from, but a few that I wouldn't. Predominantly down to scepticism of their ability to remain entirely impartial and protect anonymity outside of the service. I'm comfortable with divulging things to key trusted colleagues (manager, for example) but am wary of my gambling problem becoming broadly known to a degree that's beyond my control/consent, which is pretty much down to embarrassment factor feeling even more amplified when there's a degree of personal/professional crossover. 
I'm definitely going to be referring for bereavement related support, but hopefully after a little bit of investigation, can also look to push forward with accessing further support. 

I love the to-the-point analogy around how we can tend to view finance, and that it's far more rewarding and much cheaper to regularly spend money on treating/rewarding ourselves than throwing huge sums at binge gambling. 
I recognise now that even in the intervening gamble-free years, I've been rubbish at doing this. I have so been intensely focussed on saving/squirrelling cash away, without ever really having a clear agenda/end goal in doing so, that I've still maintained a high level of day-to-day frugality way beyond my need to do so.
I'd say my main motivation has been to get myself as far away from the financial mess that I have previously found myself in as possible, and that this alone has been the motivational 'reward'.
Whilst I’m very mindful of the degree of privilege of being in this position (It took a lot of work!) I can also see how the narrowness of this mind-set may in of itself contribute towards a moment of rebelling in such an extreme way, especially when throwing in all of the other recent factors (stressors) and historical self-sabotaging behaviours (gambling & unaddressed low mood).
I absolutely need to look at achieving a much better balance with all of this.

Hi

What or who were you trying to escape from.

What was your last emotional trigger.

Dave L