help

Morning, help,

My husband is a CG. Different relationship, same problem.

Echo Deano. The instinct is to go in and fix it as mothers are programmed to do - but actually that's the very worse thing to do. Not that we f&f haven't all started out by doing it!!!

Your son has an addiction, he has a compulsion to gamble and whilst it's almost impossible for a non addict to understand that compulsion, it's there. It's powerful, it drives everything he does and everything goes horribly wrong when that compulsion is underestimated. Promises to stop, it'll never happen again, this is the last time, such promises ignore the compulsion to gamble. Addicts can't stop without a serious commitment to doing (doing, not saying) everything it takes to for ongoing recovery. There's a lot he can do, barriers plus external support from GA. The help's out there but he has to choose to take it and use it, it's doable but not easy.

The three Cs: you didn't Cause the addiction, you can't Control the addiction and you can't Cure the addiction. He plays on your - misplaced - guilt to get money from you. There is nothing on this good earth that you can do or say to make him stop gambling. Only he can do that for himself but he has to want to, more than he is driven to seek the next bet.

You can influence it a bit. Work on the assumption that any money you give him directly or indirectly will be gambled. Even if you pay his rent to the landlord or buy him food, that frees up his money for gambling. You can give him all of your own assets until you have nothing but it won't stop him became of that compulsion. He would be better off long term learning the link between gambling away all his money and being short. The best advice is to allow him to face the direct consequences, to let him lose what he values, so that he is motivated to overcome the addiction for himself. Sounds agony whilst your son gets to that point, and it is, but the alternative isn't really any better.

The other advice is to get help and support for yourself. You need to cope with the situation that you're in. There's a lot of info on this forum, GC have a helpline and offer counselling sessions. I go to GamAnon and have private therapy. Also there are a lot of publications on Hazelden, available also from leading on line retailers.

Look after yourself.

CW

In order to help him you have to say no next time he asks to to bail him out

If its a critial situation give the money to his wife

I say this because i Know because i am a CG friends and family helped me out and i seen this as a way

to cover my lossess so my wife would not find out. in the long term all it did was makes things worse.

and took me down a darker path he will plead maybe even beg promise you it will never happen again

Just this last time. for your sons sake be strong.

Covering the losses never works no matter if it is the gambler or a relative covering. Everyone understands the love a mother has for their son and this is heartbreaking . The real truth sadly is that the longer the cover the more money gambled and the harder it gets to break this horrible addiction. If it was a drug addiction , it is unlikely that you would supply your son with Heroin , this is no different. He is in danger and the best way to help is to help him to come clean and start to rebuild. I think they call it tough love but it is worth it. He will not hate you for it and it could make all the difference. If you keep the money flowing it will just vanish until nothing is left . He might get angry with you but this is nothing to do with how he feels about you.He is ill and needs help. Good luck with it all.