Hi
I am here again. I quit gambling last year through councilling and my mum and dad lending me money to pay off my massive debts. I thought i was ok. Thought i had was strong again. I was so wrong.
I struggled with anxiety really severe anxiety. I thought gambling was my crutch to help me though but it turned out that it caused my anxiety too. Vicious circle.
My anxiety is back, not as bad but my addiction is back as strong. So impulsive. I should have known it was coming as my spending became really impulsive too.
I seem to have a self distruct button and i know i shouldnt press it but its like i am pushing myself to do it.
My husband has an idea i am gambling again. He asked me last night. I lied to him as i had spent over a grand last night chasing chasing what was owed.
Even as i say that i know how silly its sounds. I know all this but i cant stop.
I was talking to someone the other day about drug addiction. They had lots of mean things to say and all off a sudden it hit me that that man laid on the road could have been me. My drug isnt visible but is still as strong. I choose my drug over paying bills family holidays etc. What would people think if they saw my addiction plastered accross my body.
I am scared today but oddly numb and calm.i have self excluded myself from all the sites again. I have increased my overdraft again so no one knows i have fallen. I will decide whether to tell my husband agiain that i am weak and that i have let us down again. I know he will listen and hug me and say its ok. I am so lucky as he is very supportive and he really understands but i dont think i can disappoint him again.
I know i am lucky and have a support network around me. I have a really good job, fantastic family , nice house and good friends but i still still want that buzz.
So here i am again.
From what you've said you don't gamble for money like I do. You have a husband, a good job, home ect.. but you want a buzz. Maybe you need to find something that gives you a buzz without costing so much? I'm not sure what you like or what gives you thrills only you do but you do sound very lucky, you just need a substitute for gambling. I know what I'm saying is obvious and it's not as easy as just doing something else but I hope this helps in some way.
Thanks youre right x just not sure what I could substitute it for.
You're not 'owed' anything. You spent it on what the industry sells as entertainment. The money has gone and chasing it will dig the hole deeper.
If you really want to stop rather than stop losing your first step is coming clean to your husband. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret. Not telling him is preventing him from acting in his own best interests. It's not particularly wise for him to be too understanding. It's a progressive addiction and he is going to need to exercise some tough love if he's not to be dragged down with this. It would also be a good idea for him to get some advice and support for himself.
Do you like films and TV series? I'm not a very exciting person to be honest so they keep me pretty distracted but I guess only you can find a substitute. Maybe ask your husband because I'm guessing he knows you pretty well too?
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