Hi everyone,
I've been dithering about joining (and then posting) for months but really feel like the only chance I have of speaking with someone who can relate are folk who have been or are in a similar situation to me.
I've maybe been more fortunate than some others in that my addiction hasn't cost me a job, or a relationship (yet). Although it's definitely impacted both massively, and many other things including the luxury of sleep, and my physical and mental health. I've made some really bad decisions over the last couple of years because of financial pressure, one of which very nearly killed me. I feel like I can see life slipping away and getting much worse if I don't put my time into something else, including signing up and spending some time on here.
I haven't gambled in three weeks. I find stopping for periods of time relatively easy-ish, but I'll then binge gamble for a week and lose months of wages. It's a cycle that is constantly repeated. One I say will never happen again, but the next time the loss is bigger, and the comedown is heavier. Once the inevitable happens, I'll genuinely be soaked like a sweaty pig and probably broken another TV or piece of furniture in anger. All usual logic and rational thinking I apply 95% of the time has gone out of the window.Â
I've been gambling since I was a teenager. I still dont really know why I started, although I dont ever really remember doing it for just fun. It was always about winning, and money. I wish I could figure out why/when it became a problem, but its been so long.
I truly believe I'll never be cured. I constantly think about gambling. For me, I feel like it's just about putting controls in place to ensure I don't gamble, and the hope is that the longer that is successful the less I may be tempted to return. I've downloaded GamBan which works well.
I just really want my life back! Not just for me, but for my partner too (who has supported me and bailed me out financially - and thinks I haven't gambled for nearly two years). She deserves better and it upsets me that I've let her down massively, and she doesn't even know it. She made a big deal when I hit the one year landmark and bought me a gift. I felt like a massive fraud. I'm constantly pretending I have work conference calls or a bad stomach to find some time to gamble. She asked me a few weeks back if I was gambling again as I was behaving strangely and I lost the plot and put it on her that she was being paranoid. She ended up apologising and it made me feel bloody awful. I can't be honest with her because I really think she would call it a day this time. So, all I can do is stop gambling so I dont have to put her through it any longer.
Thanks for reading.
JamesÂ
Â
Hi ,Â
Â
Great step to write your story here.Â
Let's pretend you don't tell your wife and you get away with this. Then she thinks you are 3 years gamble free, you feel like a fraud, you have 4 years gamble free, still you feel like a fraud. See where I'm getting at?
This feeling won't change until you tell the truth. Your partner on the other hand will find that you are lying a bigger deal , then your relapse.Â
Let face the truth, there is 100% chance your partner will put all the pieces off the puzzel together eventually. Â
Hoping you will quit because you put barriers like gameban in place, is in my humble opinion setting up for failure.
You still have free access to money and then a Gameban is easily avoided.
Maybe your partner deservers better, but that is her decision. All you can do is tell her the honest truth.Â
Â
Hi James,
I understand what you have said and I can relate to being in similar situations where I've told someone that I've not been gambling when in fact I have. What I couldn't see at the time was the harm and pain that I caused by my gambling and lying, not just to the other person but to myself as well. I was a different person when "in action". As you've already alluded to, you aren't sleeping well, you have mood swings and you are starting to affect your partners mental health by being paranoid. For me, having secrets only ever ended with one outcome.
One of the first things that Gamblers Anonymous talk about in abstinence and recovery is honesty, and being able to be honest with our partners about our gambling. But, and this is the hardest bit, the benefit to you in your recovery is that you get to take a huge weight off your shoulders. Because it's your recovery, it's not your problem to worry about how she reacts, your is just to tell her.
I know that sounds hard and callus but it doesn't mean that you can't be there for her afterwards, but if you don't look after yourself first and continue to lie or shield her, how much worse is it going to be when she does eventually find out?Â
If she walks out, kicks you out, cries or just cuddles you, that's on her. In my experience you'll find that she knows something is up and her mind is probably making all sorts of conclusions which actually makes it worse for her.
Your recovery starts with you.
I'm not telling you what to do, you should come to your own decisions, but I am telling you what I did. I lied about my addiction and it got worse. I came clean about my gambling and my wife supported me. Yes there were tears and trust issues which took a while for me to sort out but ultimately we were better for the honesty.
All the best,
Chris.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
