Hi all,

Thought i would briefly share my story, seen as finally after nearly 10 years of huge losses, anguish and pain I feel as though i have had enough and I can not take anymore of the psychological truama arising from this illness. I started gambling when I was 16 and between 19 and 24 I would say that my gambling began to spiral out of control. Starting on FOBTs, then graduating to online casinos. land casinos and then online live casinos. I also bet on sports quite heavily as well. During this time I experienced all the emotions - huge wins, huge losses, recouping large losses, up down, left right, day in day out. I used to gamble every day. When I would bet on the FOBTS and i needed to chase my losses and the 100 max stake wasnt allowing it, I would use online casinos, or desperately lump large amounts on football accumulators. In the height of my addiciton, losing large amounts of money became normal to me. I was working part-time while a student, and yet it became casual for me to lose a few grand before noon, go to work, come home and win a few grand back (or lose more). I had no value of money and losing/wagering large life changing amounts became normal to me. When i was 21, i went on a winning streak over several months whereby i pretty much won everyday, mainly on different forms of roulette. however, I wasnt winning right away, it was a case of losing a few grand, chasing losses and then maybe wining back a few grand. After a while this built up a high amount of overal winnings, until in one night in the space of an hour i lost all the winnings and whatever other money i had totaling 30k. Naturally, I was distraught, and from then on in i was hooked and the only way i could think to feel better again was to win all that money back. I wanted to have that amount in my account again. so after a few years of losing every wage or every bit of money i got, i eventually hit a big win of about 10k. However, if i had just saved all that money from the few years gambling to try and get that 10k i would have probably more than double that. Anyway, from the 10k I took some more risks, similar behaviour to before and i somehow built up to 30k again. So my target was reached and i should be happy. Well i wasnt happy and history repeated itself and i lost it all again in about an hour on live roulette. I was thinking to commit suicide but what stopped me is that I had just started a new relationship and i didnt want to put my girlfriend through that. I quit gambling for about a year, built up some savings, got things back on track and then in one day of madness lost it all again. same thing happened again, i quit for 6 months built up some savings and in one night lost it all again. Then again i quit for a few months and then started gambling again working out all kinds of stupid systems to win on football. told myself that if i just bet on football i can make profit. I just kept losing all the time. Then one day when at work at 10am, i made a football bet and it won. I then lost all the winnings on live casino. I had no money left. I went to extend my overdraft. lost about 5k from overdraft. I knew i couldnt pay back this overdraft, so in my mind i was commited in that only way i could pay back this overdraft was to keep gambling and so i started to apply to any and all different types of loans that I could get. Over the next few days I used all these loans totaling over 25k and I lost everything. I had to declare bankruptcy, and giving that i was working in financial industry i lost my job aswell. Everything I studied for at university, and got in student debt for was all a waste of time and my career is over before even started. I then had to do some jobs that i didnt like just to pay the bills and up until now I still gamble, although because i dont earn much I gamble with much less money/wagers than i did previously. However, i cant take it anymore. The fact that my career prospects have been destroyed fills me with a hopelessness. Before, when i would lose, i would say to myself that at least i can earn it back over my life time. however, now i dont see how i can do that. The only way i try and get out of my hopelessness is by gambling more hoping for that big win again. and even though this is false hope it is some form of hope in an otherwise dire situaition. So it is a vicious cycle, of my mind forcing me into the same activity that caused my hoplessness. Anyway, that all changed yesterday because I have come to relise that this is all just an illness with my mind playing tricks on me. I will not be happy if i win a large amount i will simply lose it again. I relise that i am not even trying to win anymore. Yesterday I had 1000 which i won from a previous bet. I asked them to withdraw it right away but they left it in my account for me to reverse the withdrawal whenever i want. Which i did, and the nature of this loss was different to any other i have had. there was no known sporting events to gamble on (and i was excluded from casino games), so in my desperation to simply gamble i was betting large amounts on virtual football, 3rd division romanian teams, lithuanian under17s and all sorts of events that I know nothing about. I lost it all. Afterwards it occured to me that it is as if i am not even trying to win anymore, i jsut want to take part. I hope it was not lost in vain because for the first time, I have relised that I dont gamble to try and make money or winning money back. when I have done that in the past i always lost it back. I gamble to take part and yesterdays follishness prooves that. So from now im not going to tell myself, if i could just win this amount to help sort out my life or if i could just win my previous losses back i will stop for good. because it has now become apparent to me that my illness is the taking part for whatever reason and perhaps much less to do with wanting to win a certain amount of money. So i hope to now start my recovery by understanding the reasons why i gamble and stop telling myself that its all about the money. Of course money is a very immportant element as to why people gamble but i believe different people may gamble for different reasons and for me i think i need to address the underlying reasons as to why i gamble, and hopefully this can help me stay away.

Thanks for reading.