Hi everyone
I'm just going to post as N for now. Maybe one day I'll be able to post with my full name, advise others, looking back at how stupid I was 'back then' but at the moment I have to get help before I can help anyone else.
I'm 19, unemployed (my temp contract ended this new year) and I gambled everything I earned away a few days ago.
Let's go back to Nov 2016, I was 18 years old, I found my first job as an apprentice on a wage of £5.20 an hour, doing some of the crappiest jobs you could think of. Including and not limited to picking up dead rats lying in their own f****s and blood because they were so scared when they got trapped on the industrial sticky pads they'd **** themselves or try to eat off their own limbs, struggling to get away, always failing and dying. Long story short I worked that job for 5 months, built up a nice £4.9k before getting fired for working too slowly (I was going through some rough times socially and couldn't leave my personal life at the door ~ it wasn't anything gambling related though).
Fast forward to 6 months later (October 2017), I signed up to a mystery shopping company, I was introduced to sports bets and FOBTs working for them as an "age tester" to see if the counter staff at the bookies asked for ID (Think 21).
One of the *** staff managed to rope me into signing up for a *** card (without asking for my ID, I could've been 15 for all he knows) which gave me access to online betting as well as being able to withdraw my winnings in every *** store across the UK.
That didn't happen though, I went from betting at the bookies to placing sports bets online because it was easier and more accessible.
I got bored one day and I started playing their online casino games, the one that got me hooked specifically was roulette.
Over a couple of months I was extremely lucky, I made just over £1k in small incremental profits and I was feeling fantastic about roulette. It was the best game ever in my eyes. I knew when to stop and withdraw. I'd had a few small losses here and there but nothing too major. The most I was ever down by was £80. I'd also got a winter job too so everything was lined up for me, my future felt secure, I had £6.5k in the bank and bought people Christmas presents with some of my winnings and was looking to open a proper savings account so I could store it. Not sure what for, save for a house, happily get married one day or even have that emergency money for if I decided I wanted to study at uni or something. That would've been great money to go towards tuition fees.
On Dec 23rd, my greed struck though, I increased my deposit limit and decided to play again, this time I lost £100.. I should've quit there and then, I was still up by £902 to the wheel with £6.3k in the bank. However, on the 24th Dec I increased my deposit limit to something stupid like £2.5k a day, I decided to chase that £100 loss to the wheel and I did. I made it back, I clicked withdraw, withdrew everything... Closed my browser... But then, the gambling monster from within came out, I opened a new window, logged in again, canceled the pending withdrawal... All because I wanted to push my luck just a little further and hit the £3k mark before withdrawing.
You can probably guess what happened next, I never saw £3k, I saw £2.94k but it wasn't £3k so spin after spin, bet after bet, placing more and more per spin.. I gambled it all.. Every last pound.
My brain switched off completely then..
They say when the fun stops, STOP.
That's what I should've done, with such a large loss and £3.9k in my bank account. It wasn't at all fun anymore.
I should've put an end to roulette there and then.. But no.
My deposit limit went up again to unlimited (something silly like £99000). For some reason I felt I had to go all or nothing to get to at least £5k because I worked too hard to go down like that.
Again, I didn't see £5k, I came close with around £4.5k.. That was plenty, but at the time I had a goal in mind.. I chased that goal.. I deposited money by the thousands until I bet away everything I had away.. Losing £5.5k of my hard earned money, all for chasing £100 from the previous day. 48 hours it took for me to throw away that money.
Gambling is toxic.
With £18 to my name.
My account now closed.
Only a few close friends know about what I did.
A part of me wishing that I was never roped in from the start and that I was stubborn enough to say no to the guy at the counter who kept pestering me about the connect card. A part of me wishing I didn't terminate my account so I could change the comp points to cash from my £3.9k spin spree so I could at least withdraw what few quid I feel they owe me. A part of me feeling hopeless now; with my job now over there's nothing to take my mind off gambling anymore. I'm not recovered. Nowhere near. I feel like I'm in total ruins. I've messed up my future. God knows when I'll next find work.
I'm eager to work and want to work hard to earn it all back a legitimate way, stay far far away from the roulette wheel but I'm very lost, I'm living with my parents and can't stop thinking about what I did. I know I've let them down even though I haven't told them what I did. I'll probably get kicked out if I do tell them. I will eventually tell them one day just not now though. Only after I'm earning steadily and have saved at least £10k by working.
I need help.
Are there any career advisers for recovering gambling addicts?
N
(Note from forum admin: we edited out gambling company names as some forum members find these triggering).
Hi N.
Yes you do need help and there is no shame in asking for it and admitting your addiction problem.
Even Einstein said there was no system on roulette effectively calling it a mugs game. You need to focus on the real odds and its not a get it back later scheme...not at those odds and how roulette works.
a gambling addiction is a form of mind control and delusion. I hated my life. I had also done some terrible jobs and ended up being done over at only £2 per hour. Everything was going wrong but I now know that gambling wasnt the answer. I was trying to escape and delude myself that life was going to be kind to me in a gambling den.
We recommend that you dont keep secrets and you now learn to realise how a gambling addiction must be tackled. Ideally you should be at the next GA meeting and you should now be embracing a born again moment.
What the addiction makes you do is justify that you were doing alright at one point. All gamblers lose at some point on those odds so you have to face what you have lost in some way. Its Gone! Thats what you did with it and Im here to tell you that its doesnt come back on the next rainy monday morning. I spent 40 years plus 10 months chasing and the hole gets deeper and deeper.
You have to use all your thought processes to put it behind you. Its not hopeless and you are still with us. Some gamblers are not even around to say that. There is joy in the simple pleasures of life and we almost have to learn how to live our lives again. When you feel more content and even serene the work situation will appear in a new light. Sign up for some study and try and better yourself. Its not all about money and your mental state of mind is very important.
I know the forum is all new to you. It is about a born again moment and seeing life from a new angle.
You also need to realise that such an addiction needs stong blocks and self exclusions. If someone else has control over any money even better because it gives you time to breathe deeply and heal.
You need to know what you are dealing with because it may always be within us but it can be controlled and beaten. Being gamble free is a wonderful feeling because I dont need it in my life.
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Wow sounds like you had a real rollercoaster with all of this . My advice at this stage is to read many previous new posts on here . The advice is pretty generic you can apply it to each and everyone of us . Blocks , GA, telling people around you , handing control of your money , etc etc
What I can tell you at the age of 43 although it may not seem it, if you stop right now and are committed to it , you will be getting off lightly . Don’t get to my age and s***k several hundred thousands of pounds over the next how many years . Look at this as an experience you must put behind you. Pick yourself up , dust yourself off and think wow I don’t want to end up like Vulture on this website . You have come to the right place , please as I say read some great advice and move forward .
Hi N. I totally agree with Vulture above. I am 46 years old and lost around £47,000 in last three months on roulette in casinos. A lot more during the last ten years. If you stop now its not too bad. I understand it might be a lot of money for you as your are still young and you saved after working hard. But treat it as a lesson. Get a job again and you will save again. Remember roulette is THE PROBLEM. It can never be the solution to your money problems. Money lost is gone. Dont chase it or you will loose more. Odds are against you. Best of luck.
Hi N,
Welcome to the forum and well done for identifying your need for help, there's plenty of it to be had on here.
Some great advice above and I'll echo some of it from my own experience.
The money's gone so draw a line under it as attempts to do anything else will end in your situation getting worse (trust me, it can).
Also, you're 19 and you're skint. I guarantee you're not alone (I was skint when I was 19) but you have your whole life ahead of you. I WISH I had looked for help when I was 19 as my life would be so much different now. You've learned a (albeit expensive) lesson at just the right time in life. If you can commit and work toward being gamble free for the rest of your life then, trust me £6k is a small price to pay, even if it doesn't seem it now.
Good Luck and well done on addressing your problem.
Best Regards
Phil
I have been through something similar to what your going through and I can promise you now it wont get any better only worse
Between the ages of 17 & 22 I must have gambled around 6 thousand on credit …..Plus any spare cash I had laying around from jobs I was working im 25 now and am still paying a heavy price for my foolishness I have had to go into an IVA and became almost bankrupt at 22 as a result of it
You are lucky in the sense you lost your own money and not the banks although I don’t know many 19yr olds that have instant access to over 5K in cash you are very fortunate
You’re young enough to forget about this episode of your life and by the time you are my age you probably wont even remember it
IF YOU STOP NOW
Wow, thank you all for taking the time to reply to my thread; it really means a lot to me. I've read all of your posts and feel very lucky to have your support, stories and words of advice fresh in my mind to help me try and get out of this mess.
I received my last paycheck a few days ago, the first thing I thought about doing with it was obviously not saving the money and putting it away, but gambling with it.
Luckily, the website which I requested to self-exclude from stuck firm with their descision and didn't reactivate my account because I did try to cancel that self-exclusion via email without success. I think getting somebody to look after my money from now on would be a great idea. I personally can't be trusted with it at the moment which is actually sad because I look back at how cautious and money conscientious I used to be ~ which is how I saved it all in the first place, spend very little, only buy neccecities and find the cheapest deal... I would trust my mum or dad with whatever income I will earn in the future but I still haven't gathered the courage to tell them about the money I lost.
Whenever I open my mouth to say something about it in front of them, a surge of guilt and anxiety surges through me and I just can't get it off my chest. The most I can bring myself to do is grit my teeth and wince then say nothing at all. I really hate keeping it a secret from them and I know I should just man up and deal with the consequences of my actions. I can already picture the look of disappointment on their faces and the £5.5k worth of beatings which may occur... Which to be honest seems reasonable on my behalf but they really don't deserve to be hit with such terrible news. Their son in a gambling addict and it's too late to do anything because he's lost everything already, stupid boy, they thought they raised me smarter and better than that.. etc.. etc.
I'm more worried not for myself but for them. I would be fine if got kicked out and left to fend for myself on the streets because I'd be living off them rent free and wasting space and I put myself in that situation but I wouldn't be fine if I gave my mother or father a heart attack from the stress I caused...
Anyway, with that aside, I haven't been thinking too much about hitting the roulette wheel since failing to log into my account, I've accepted that online betting is all over now and that's a massive relief. However, I did still think about going back into bookies in person, putting all my money on the Liverpool vs Everton match as a Liverpool supporter, either that or buying a ton of scratch cards at the newsagents and hoping to be a lucky winner... but I didn't do either of those things... I knew I couldn't afford the risk of a draw, even though I probably could've done a Liverpool Draw no bet (but I didn't see that as "worth it" without an accumulator.. Which again, wouldn't have been worth the risk). In the end I just decided to watch the match gamble free. It was nice to see my team win but it also felt really depressing, betting just played on my mind throughout the whole match. All I could think about was chasing my loss which ruined it for me. I should've been happy that they won but instead all I could think in the end was "d**n it, why didn't you put money on them?" and partially wished that they drew just to feel good for making the correct descision.
I guess this is all a part of recovery process. What I did was correct in a way. I won and lost nothing. The only thing I need to win over is my mindset and lose the attitude and mentality of an addict who focuses too much on the odds, fate and luck and not on enjoying the entertainment of sports.
Apart from that, I have been focusing a lot of time and energy into trying to find a new job. I've only managed to submit one application so far even though I've probably spent about 48 hours, minimum, looking through ad after ad after ad. I'm quite underqualifed by the looks of things. That £5.5k should've gone towards tuition for a degree in something... I'm just hoping for the best, praying for an interview soon because I'm still pretty darn clueless about what to do with my life, as with most people my age.
Thank you again for all of the responses. I wish you all to stay strong and not give into the temptation too.
N
Hello irresponsibleN,
Well done for self-excluding, and for considering how you might allow your parents to look after your money. It is good that you're using the online peer support here on the forum.
If you'd like details of support in your area, you can call us on freephone 0808 8020 133 for details of free local counselling services, or resources like gamblers anonymous meetings.
Take care,
Forum admin.
Hi N,
Just a quick one.
My problem was online slots and fruit machines. I did bet on football and darts but only small bets (typically a tenner's worth of accas on a Saturday and a few quid here and there on the darts).
When I decided that 'enough was enough' and that I needed to stop gambling, I told myself that, as long as I stayed away from the slots (my 'poison') I could still have the odd bet on the football or the darts as it 'wasn't a problem'. I was adament that this wouldn't trigger my destructive behaviour as it was far removed from the main source of my problem.
A strange thing happened. You might expect that I had a small bet and it DID trigger a relapse (which would seem a fitting moral to this tale) but actually, after keeping away from gambling entirely for a good few weeks, as the urge to play the slots faded a little, so did any desire to bet on sports. I was genuinely thinking I could maintain a healthy relationship with sports betting but the complete loss of interest in it would imply that the two aren't as far removed as I'd thought.
Sorry to ramble but, if I could offer one piece of advice, it would be this. Set yourself a target of, say, 60 days and abstain from ALL types of gambling. If you can still differenciate between the draw of online gambling and a 'quick punt' on the football then maybe this isn't a trigger but you'll probably be surprised. Personally, I was advised that 'complete abstinence' was the only way and, although I was dubious/reluctant to believe it in the early days, my experience tells me that maybe different 'types' of gambling aren't as detached as we'd like to think.
Good luck and keep winning by staying gamble free.
Phil
Hi N
I’m 22 and absolutely skint post Christmas, like you I could’ve had many thousands tucked away but I was foolish enough to believe gambling could help me boost my finances. Gambling is toxic and fills our minds with delusions, when I get betting thoughts these days I say to myself - “I don’t do that anymore”. The simple fact is we will always lose because we always continue.
I haven’t had a bet in 23 days now which is the longest I’ve gone after trying to kick this habit for quite some time. Gambling for me stemmed from depression, I could escape niggling thoughts about how I’m not happy with my life when I was in the gambling trance.
In reference to your job search, do you have employment agencies in your area? I’m currently working in a role secured for me by one. The work isn’t great, neither is the pay but at least I have some sort of income for now. I told myself I’d look for better jobs but I’m so tired in the evenings that I constantly put it of. I have work confirmed here until May but I really need to start searching for more challenging, stimulating jobs which will provide some level of satisfaction.
Maybe take a read of my diary if you get a moment, there may be something noted in there which could help you. Our stories are so similar and I’ve been off the forum for a week or so now, reading through your diary has reconfirmed that I must abstain and maintain.
Wishing you all the best, stay active.
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