Howmuchmore!

Hi SoSad

Well done on expressing yourself and explaining everything so clearly. I think it is so important to get everything off your chest when you have finally reached "rock bottom". Usually that is when people tend to find this place, once they feel they have reached rock bottom - that happened to me on 18th Jan 2013. I experienced the worst feelings of my life - similar to yourself.

Thirteen months on and with just a few hours lapse, I can honestly say that having K9 on my computer with a password put in by my sister, has been key to helping me to abstain for this long. Also, having a diary on here and posting on others, have really help to keep me focused on my goals and targets and get me back to some sort of "normality" in my life once again.

Like you, I had been gambling for coming up to 3 years - not long in comparison to others on here, but enough to nearly destroy me!!

This will be a really tough time for you right now - I too had loads of pay day loans, however, I contacted StepChange who were brilliant. They took on all my debts, including those dreadful payday loans. The most important things to pay they say, are your mortgage/rent, council tax and energy bills. Have a word with them as soon as you can I say. I am certain they will be able to help you, especially as you have two little ones to look after also.

Feel free to read through my diary. I got lots of advice and support from this forum, hopefully you will too.

Take care.

Feb.

Thank you for your reply FEB2013.

It has taken me so long to reply as i have been so disgusted with myself for gambling yet again with money i do not have!. At this moment in time I feel like my life is spinning out of control and that i will never be cured of this vile addiction though i hope and pray i will.

I am so level headed in my day to day but get me in front of spinning reels and i am like a mad women depositing over and over again money me and my family cannot afford to lose! Its like money is no object when i am playing the slots and its not until i sit and think about what i have done it sinks in. I honestly feel like i am a lost cause. I read lots of posts on here and feel inspired to stop and to change my families life forever but still i start again.

I truly want to rid of this evil disease that is gambling but i am not sure i can. When i start i just cannot stop. I have done so much damage financially and i am going ack on to recoup losses even though i know the odds are stacked against me! I have noticed i particually crave it when i have had quite a stressful day, when the kids have been full on and i start to use it as some sort of relaxation but its not relaxing one bit! as i sit with my hands over my eyes in a bonus round praying to win my money back! How pathetic am i!

I need help i know i do so any advice anyone can offer means so much to me right now! If my life continues like this i don't know how things will end, i need to stop not just for me but for my families sake!

SoSad xx

hi i can relate completely to what your going through. I have been gambling for only 4 months but it has taken over my life. I go into the booikes on the roulette. this week i won 1000, put it back in and lost it twice! eventually losing it all. my partner had a loan and i took money out of his account, I have tried for the past 2 days to win the money back, which i know wont happen. the money my partner borrowed (1500) and it is now down to 200. I feel in a complete panic, its affecting my 2 teenage daughters. pathetic as it sounds, because of not being well off financially, i am scared to self-exclude because of the chance of winning. every-time i swear i will spend the money on my family, but i don't. I am now driving around with no car insurance as they have cancelled it. I have also kept this from my partner. we have had a huge row tonight and he has told me, its him or the gambling. I like others and yourself feel physically sick and have no where to turn.

When I read ur post it was like I had written it. I'm in the same boat as u. It is tough I too feel I am a lost cause but I havent gambled for nearly two weeks its still very early days when I get the urge I try think of things to do. With having children there's always plenty of housework to do lol but if that's what keeps my mind occupied so be it. I'm hoping the urges lessen over time and I'm sure they will I too have pay day loans and my maternity leave finishes soon. Over the years its got worse and worse so if u (we) stop now we can make our future better because if we continue a year from now or even a month it will be an even worse situation that were in now.

Forget out the losses we cannot win because we cannot stop.

I wish you well and be strong. X

Hi there SoSad,

I've been reading about problem gambling on wikipeadia n the one thing that made sense to me was about how we continue gambling because we think the more we gamble the more we are likely to win - it said this is a false belief.

I think once we take this on board we'll be halfway there to stopping for good.

Please be kind to yourself and ask for all the help available. I'm looking forward to the time when you post you are getting in control again cos I know you will be in control again one day xxx

So i had big plans for February. I was determined for this to be the first month in two years that i would not gamble away my wage and struggle to get to the end of the month. Turns out i was wrong and yet again i have spent another day gambling online precious money my family does not have.

My partner earns a reasonable wage i am on maternity allowance. We should be comfortable enough to get through each month but because of my stupidity we struggle to get even the most basic things.

If it wasn't for my partner we would all be homeless now, i know he deserves so much more and today i am feeling like walking away to save him the heartbreak i enivitably keep bringing to him and my children each and every month.

I have now had to get yet another payday loan. I am so exhausted by this pattern of behaviour as it rolls on month to month and its just not changing.

I spoke to someone on Netline today and they have referred me for counselling which i will attend at the end of the week. I don't know what i am expecting. I would like i switch to be flicked in my head so i stop but we all know its more complicated than that. I have heard there is usually a reason you gamble even if you arent aware of it and its this i need to discover in the hope i can take control of my behaviour. I was watching GMTV this morning and they were talking about addiction in general and that an addict will never be cured. Just because they stop, drinking, taking drugs, gambling, whatever it is does not mean they are cured it just means they are refraining at this given time. That SCARES me so much because i honestly don't know how much worse it can get!

What am i going to do????????????? i don't know how much lower i can get i am so upset and want to get off this hellish rollercoaster as it taken me to such a dark place already

SoSADX

Hi Sosad

We (CGs) tend to look for that "quick fix" whether it be to win a bit of money to pay something off or whether it is to stop gambling all together. Well there is no quick fix, it will take time and effort to get through this but if you dont stop gambling you are wasting more and more time and you will never get on top of it.

You must make a commitment to stop and do everything in your power to make sure that you cannot gamble another penny. So what if we are labled as addicts forever? Does it matter as long as you dont give in to your addiction then you are a winner and gaining control of your life back.

You are in a position now where you can draw a line and start fresh. Take this opportunity not the next one or the next one after that. Stop now and start to deal with things 1 day at a time or 1 hour at a time if you have to.

It does get easier and the turmoil will subside and you will see things clearer.

Give yourself a chance- self exclude. You will not get your money back from gambling it is gone. if you win you will only gamble it again at some stage and if you lose you will keep chasing- you are in a lose/lose situation if you carry on gambling. Accept this and move on.

Your life will improve and the self loathing will be replaced by self esteem and pride.

All the best

Linda

hi there a few steps you could consider

1) there's a free 28 day trial of a gambling blocker which works very well, called ' txnogam ' if you google it it should come up as the 1st result. choose the 'never allowed to uninstall ' option. this will take you to the end of the month. You can then install the full version after it expires.

2) a tactic i use with online gambling is to have as few direct debits as possible, if possible i pay them off early & i then make sure i withdraw all bank account funds out in cash the day they come in so i am unable to use my debit cards online. no money in there = no ability to gamble. I no longer have credit cards & overdrafts.

3) sit down take a deep breath add up all of your debts. You may consider getting a debt relief order (with help from the CAB). if your husband's income is too high, then you may not qualify.

From a gambling / financial point of view you're doing the worst things possible. 1) you're playing online slots / bingo which offer the lowest return (40-50%) of any forms of gambling. 2) you're borrowing to gamble which is bad enough, but you're also borrowing in the most expensive, rip-off way possible (payday loans). So you're losing on 2 fronts.

If you don't value or need an excellent credit rating you may want to consider holding up the white flag to your creditors & simply saying I cannot afford to pay you anymore, or simply offer them £1 month etc should it go to court. get financial advice from CAB etc.

You're basically going to a website, giving them £1000 say, they're then spinning a few graphics at you & returning £400 to you say. You then re-deposit the £400, they're spinning a few more graphics at you, & returning £160 to you. You then re-deposit the £160, they're spinning a few more graphics at you, & returning £40 to you. This is why you end up skint, & you're using extortionate payday loans to give them the money!

Hi Sosad

I completely understand and relate to your posts. You sound a lovely person and you have a lovely family. You deserve much much more than gambling is bringing you.

You have been given lots of advice about putting blocks in place and finance help which is so helpful but the biggest thing is that you need to believe in yourself and that you can get through this. Like me you will need to try and make other changes. The urges to gamble come thick and fast especially when there is access to money or you've been paid. That's when you need to keep focused, put blocks in place and do something to keep you busy. The urges pass and when they do you kind of feel a little satisfaction that you didn't gamble.

One of the hardest things to do is to accept that you can't get the money back because you will never win and no amount of gambling will change that. I have been in that desperate place you feel your in. But the bottom line is if you gamble and win you want more of the same and if you lose then you chase. As you know it becomes a cycle and when there's nothing left you then become preoccupied in trying to get out of the mess you've created. If you can try and make yourself a plan. A plan that perhaps looks at sorting your finances, what blocks you can put in place, what support you can access such as talking to someone and also a plan to combat the urges such as doing something else when you've had a stressful day (when you usually escape into the gambling zone). Perhaps start a diary on here?

I wish you well. You can do this both for yourself and your lovely family. Don't let gambling take anymore of your time.

Forwards not back

Jewels

Hiya,

I have just written my first ever post today.

Then I read yours. Everything you have said...I could have written...I know exactly where you are coming from...Payday loans, gambling all the monthly money away, feeling guilty about letting kids and partner down.

I'm a stay at home mum and my partner works abroad for long periods of time. He sacrifices so much, he misses birthdays, Christmas's etc with our boys....then I go and squander everything he has worked hard for...He actually risks his life for his money...I'm disgusted with myself.

I've decided today is the day that I start making some positive changes and focus on the good things...however on bad days, the good things are often hard to see...I will try and try until I get through this.

Stay strong...I thought I was the only one who felt the way I do but now I can see I couldn't have been further from the truth.

Hopefully we can all get each other through this awful time.x

Thank you everyone for your kind responses.

I finally took the big step I needed to last night and confessed every last detail to my partner. Cried my heart out and admitted I needed help. His understandably very angry and feels very betrayed but his still here today so I guess that's one good thing. I handed over my laptop and got him to install a blocker, I have told him no matter what I say to get it removed that he must not do that for me! Yesturday will be the last day I gamble! I have also put the pitiful couple of hundred I had left from thosands into his bank account and he is to have full control of any money.

This is going to be hard! The only thing that dragged me out of my bed today was my children. Everytime I am alone I am crying with the constant figure of what a wasted in the last few days. I contacted both sites I played on and asked how much I have deposited withdrawn in the last couple of years and It sickens me to my stomach.

We now face a month with just Enough money to buy us allfood but at least the rent bills are safety payed (by my amazing husband!) If it weren't for him I know it would all be unpaid.

I have a registration appt for my counselling tonight. I keep telling myself that maybe I am not that bad but in truth I needed help such a long time ago.

I will beat this to better my families future. At this present time it is very painful and raw and I do not want to gamble but I know asI numb to the pain it will come but this time I will not give in.

I am going to start a new diary in recovery diaries feel free to follow me as your support is vital to my recovery. I will too offer as much support as I can to others. We are in this together.

I will stay strong, I need too!

SoSad x

Hi SoSad

Sorry to hear you are feeling low. I do think you have done a really good thing by confessing to your husband - even though things feel really sore and raw at the min. Like I said previously, I think having those blocks are a great means of stopping you from any further gambling.

I am pleased to read that you are also starting your own recovery diary. I will look out for you. Feel free to read mine too.

Take care and well done for making that brave move.

Feb.

Hi SoSad

You have done the most difficult part, opening up to your partner and going for help. I have been reading news articles tonight of people jailed due to their gambling addictions and my heart goes out yo them cos it could also be any one of us. Take one day at a time, enjoy cuddles with your children. Continue to talk with your partner and you will slowly get through this. It will be hard but you will do it with support.

Mo

Just joined on Sunday and your story had similarities too mine. Stay positive baby steps your heading in the right direction hitthefanx