First time posting here, I just need to write this down as I'm going a bit mad as things feel very complex at the moment.
I am a few days into what feels like a genuine recovery rather than the half-arsed false starts I’ve attempted over the past few weeks.
The 7 year gap since my last relapse meant that I had forgotten what a dark and lonely place it is when you mess your life up (again).
I’m feeling very conflicted about the timing of telling my wife.
I have such a strong relationship with my wife that there is no other thing in my life of this scale that I would even attempt to deal with on my own.
But part of me feels that the dark, lonely, self-loathing that is the side effect of this awful illness is my punishment. That telling my wife is the easy way out, a way of easily assuaging my guilt.
Even if I do tell my wife straight away, it won’t alter the situation I’m in – my debt repayment plan is in place, I’m confident I won’t relapse, so telling her will just make her worry. I feel like I want to spare her the terrible place her head will go when I tell her I’ve been gambling again - surely it would be better to tell her when I’ve been ‘clean’ for a while and she can see that I’ve sorted this mess out for myself.
The problem is that every day I continue to keep this from my soul mate is so painful. Every day I walk through the front door from work and pretend everything is ok is a lie in itself. The every day interactions I have with her and my children are absolute torture – them leading their normal every day lives, me leading this double life, pretending everything is ok, when I could just crumple into heap and sob for 100 days at any given moment.
Then I feel like I am slipping towards self-pity – ‘you deserve this torture’ I tell myself , ‘this is your penance, man-up, take your emotional pain’.
The strength of my relationship with my wife (in every other facet if my life except gambling) makes it so much more difficult – the hurt that telling her is going to cause her makes me want to rip my heart out.
I would do anything to protect her from this, maybe even by not telling her at all and wearing this heavy cloak of guilt on my own until there’s clear blue water between me and my relapse.
I’m not sure I’m even asking for advice, as I know what it will be – ‘tell her now’, ‘it’s part of the recovery’, ‘lying is part of the illness’. I just can’t find it in my heart to break hers. The problem is I broke her heart as soon as I made that first bet again.
Hi dg
Sorry to hear of your relapse, and you are right, I am one that will tell you that you must tell your wife. As you say, it is eating away at you, the fact that you have this dark secret that you wish had never been. Even tho you say you won't gamble again, this burden of guilt that you have could push you to.This will only continue until you tell her. The other reason is that she would be able to offer you support and assistance to help make sure you don't relapse again.
I had been gamble free for about 3 years until I had a relapse about 4 years ago. I am divorced luckily, (not due to gambling), but I did have to tell my brother and sister. I know it's not easy. However I knew that if I didn't have the accountability, I would most likely continue to gamble. There is now way that I could beat this addiction on my own.
Take care
Thanks Wal - bit the bullet and told her. Needless to say she wasn't happy, but at least its out there and she's being supportive.
Thanks again for your response
Hey there, overall it's a good thing to tell those around you, no doubt the wisest thing to do.
I'm going through a different strategy - I haven't told my loved ones - I have done that before, had the most loving response, got out of trouble and then relapsed again.
I ffigured I gamble alone, the solution is within me and only I can resolve it permanently.
We die alone and I'm going to die debt free, successfully overcoming this deeply personal battle knowing I made it. One day in the future ill tell my spouse I went through it and overcame it years ago.
let's see, it's probably a flawed idea! I'm only day 1 lol.
Hi dg
I hope you are planning on counselling or GA. Share the burden a bit more. There are a lot of wise people in GA, and by attending GA meetings it's a constant reminder to ourselves that we do have a wee problem.
Hi junebug
I would sincerely suggest that you do tell your family again. Accountability is a good barrier to gambling. By having family aware of your problem, they will be able to look for patterns that indicate that you are gambling again.
Best wishes to both
Hi wal, yes it's good advice - my mom kinda already knows I have been at it - she has questioned me on it a few times recently - it's a cycle - she spots I'm at it, I deny, I eventually confess - I recover - and repeat - at least 5 times in my life. The strategy hasn't worked for me, because once I'm in remission family will naturally worry less and then I'm at it again, stupidly slipping back in as soon as I have recovered.
This time, I'm not confessing, I'm not asking for help, I'm climbing out on my own once and for all.
I know I wouldn't advise it to anyone else and your advice is definitely the correct one, involve those around you but I genuinely have to try this way as I'll never trust myself unless I can do it on my own. This is my hell, and I want to close the door forever.
Day 1 almost there, but gosh yes it's hard. But I'm staying positive! 🙂
Keep me focused though please, thank you so much for your advice, it means a lot.
Hi Junebug
You know that this is hard enough to get a grip of, even with help. I think you are making it tough for yourself, but all the best on your endeavours anyway.
Have you put in place as many barriers as you can, to help stop yourself from gambling if / when the urge comes along?
If you are determined to try to beat the bug without your family's help, have you thought about attending GA or even some counselling?
Take care
Hi wal, yes a slightly risky strategy. I am into day 3 and still feeling as optimistic as I have ever been on a quit attempt.
I definitely agree though it's difficult to combat solo but previous disclosures to family have not left me cured today and I'm trying an internal battle.
I think after all previous failed attempts I do have some good experience and structures in place to make this a valid attempt but I'm now using this forum and making friends on it to get me through. It's certainly nice to unburden here rather than on family and there is always a sympathetic and understanding ear.
This is my first attempt at connecting with the gambling recovery community and I think it's the most important for me. These forums are my ga meetings.
Onwards, day 3 and counting.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
