I can do this!

Hi Half-life

Firstly can I just say what amazing person you must be, you have been through it, and are still there, and still offering your advice to others, I thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

i know joining to block was a risk, but I did it, and I cannot find anymore to block myself from, I was already a member to around 20 sites, I didn't realise when I did it there was software to block it all, and I'm 100% going to use it.

Now, moving onto handing over my finances...it would mean admitting my problem to my partner, and admitting to my sister that I have lied to her. I'm under no illusion, I know I need to! I just don't know how to, and I'm scared. My partners father was/is a gambler, he speaks to him, but resents him for what he's done to their family all his life. The thought of him looking at me with the same eyes, well it's heartbreaking. He looks at me like I'm his rock, his world, he is not the father of my children, he has accepted them as his own (their real father is no where to be seen) and I know he loves me, and I love him, and cannot bear the thought of hurting him. My sister...she's amazing and may be easier to tell, but still, can I break her heart too? I just don't know..

Hi AER1983, welcome to recovery 🙂

As you have identified, clearing the debt does not make the problem go away. It was the secrecy last time that allowed you to 'double' your mess so dig deep & find a way to get this out. There is a good chance that it will come out anyway & that won't be fair on your man. I imagine somewhere along the line, the pressure of being everyone's rock has come on top & gambling initially gave you an escape? Half-Life gives excellent advice, good to see you planning on using the blocker but you were back to 'square one' before & addiction had its wily way so don't just stop there. Have a good look @ what your triggers are because stamping them will make this journey that much smoother! It may also be worth setting yourself up on the recovery diaries...This is a great place to come when you're fighting urges & if getting it out feels cathartic then that may be a good tool for your recovery!

A massive congratulations on day 6 🙂 You can do this - ODAAT

Hi AER, well done for coming on to the forum, you will find so many stories like yours; take faith in the fact that you are not alone in the struggle with addiction and take all the support you can. Have a read at my diary and you will find that you and I share the same addiction and a fear of admitting it (and it's financial consequences) to our partners. I have actually told my husband this morning and he admits he's disappointed but feels we can deal with the debt over time and will support me all he can.

I'm sure your partner will be like mine. Yes, he has had a bad experience with his father but your addiction is a new thing and not a lifetime of gambling and the heartache which he has experienced. With his support you can deal with this and get back on track and avoid a lifetime of pain for yourself and your family.

Keeping a diary here will help. Definitely get a software blocker installed, it helped me.

Best wishes with your recovery xxx

Hi ODAAT

thank you...tears are flowing because I know I have to tell them , I have to, I have too. Day 6, and I'm feeling positive, and if I'm honest, I am people's rock, it's not to sound big headed but I am, I'm 1 of 6 children, they don't all talk to each other, I'm the only one who speaks to everyone, I'm the one who jumps in when they need help, wether it be advice, childcare or money, it was always me (clearly not money anymore) my mother suffered with depression when she seperated from her husband, it was me that moved her in with me, everyone else had a reason not too, my youngest is disabled, and it's me of course as his mother that is there, caring, arranging, planning, don't get me wrong I am not moaning about helping anyone, and I will continue to do so! I love my family and love being able to help them. Being people's rock is not my reason, that could be seen as an excuse for me thou, but there are no excuses, the gambler has always been in me, I just hadn't realised the access I had until 6 months ago, all there at my finger tips! I was actually very unaware of how easy it was to gamble online! My gambling streak could be seen at 10 years old im sure with 2p push over machines! I can honestly remember the feeling of losing all my coins...and waiting patiently by the machine for one to fall on it's own just so I could put another in! I remember buying a scratch card at 13 and winning £50...it was like I was a millionaire and wanting to buy more ! It's always been there, so the pressures of life are not my reason, it's purely no self control, none...when I was 18 I took drugs, I'm not talking a little I'm talking ALOT! I'm talking so bad that my life revolved around it, again it was quick...6-8 months and I snapped, I found a job in France and disappeared for 6 months, came home, had cut all ties, and made myself a great life! I don't really drink, maybe once every couple of months, but when I do...it takes me a week to recover because I drink so much! I have faced that I am a compulsive person, no ifs, no buts, it's one ugly trait, but I recognise it. I know I need proper help...I can do this x

Annie, I'm going to read your diary, thank you also for replying, telling your partner makes you brave...I'm not feeling that brave, but you did it...I need to follow your lead I know xx

I would love to have been surprised @ what you wrote but I'm not! Sheesh, I spent years in negotiations between a warring Nan & her sister & that in itself was enough to drive me insane so goodness only knows how you manage with 5 others & that's without all the other stuff! Having children is challenging in itself, when one is disabled, you have the added pressure of needing to be there for them @ all times & worrying about what will happen to them if anything happens to you!

For all the time I've been on here, I've still only picked up snippets here & there about addiction but seems to me that drugs is also a form of escape. Maybe having the strength to break free from that has just given you the feeling that if you can beat that alone, you should be able to beat anything? I don't know what came 1st, whether your Mum's depression was there in full swing then or just lurking in the background? Maybe you just ran away from addiction then & didn't address any of the reasons for it?

I didn't think for one second you were being big headed but I do think you are being incredibly hard on yourself. When I arrived here, I would have sworn black was blue that I gambled purely for greed, I'm still not convinced otherwise but I've read enough to know that this is highly unlikely to be the sole cause. Lots of diarists have compulsive personalities & I have read there is a tendency to switch one addiction for another (I replaced gambling with crush games early on & then this site which has been my salvation), you are not alone in your thinking. Although you may not feel brave enough to get this out @ home, bravery is coming here & baring your soul, recognising the need for help...I think you are an incredible person who's just taken a few wrong turns! Why don't you pick up the phone to Gamcare, get some counselling sorted so that when you do find the strength to come clean you can show that you are doing everything possible to deal with this. Remember, if your loved ones need support, Gamcare is here for them too or there are Gamanon meetings if they'd rather have human company. Sounds very much to me like this is a fight you will win - ODAAT

Hi AER, hope your day has gone well. Will check on you tomorrow. Take care xx

Good morning! Odaat your words are amazing, and I thank you, your kind words right now I don't feel I deserve...you seem to be an inspiration to so many people on here, I have started reading your diary and will finish it this morning.

Annie...my thanks to you too, my head this morning is confused and I have started a dairy on here now, hopefully I can make sense of things some how....

Day 7....! Day 7!!!! It feels good, but not as good as I thought...too much still not sorted to feel happy about it, it doesn't feel like recovery has even started, not enough barriers.

Well done on day 7! Keep reading those diaries and it will reinforce the fact that you are not alone. Keep posting your own diary, even if no-one reads it, it's good to get it out. Get those barriers in place as these are the tools to help prevent you falling back in a moment of weakness (and we've all been there).

I bought Gamblock but, because I did not tell my husband I had access to his computer and this gave me the opportunity to make a stupid decision to 'have another go at the slots'. I now only have access to my computer, which is protected. Please consider telling your partner; it is a big step in our recovery.

Onwards and upwards my friend. Have a good day xx