I Finally admitted the obvious

Thirty years on or about ,

Firstly the fruit machines , back in the 80's i was on *** per week,  all gone .......  then betting on the horses , then the FOBT'S and now them coupled with the interactive pub machines .

I have quit before , for exactly one year around a decade ago , [ the only time I felt I was in control of my life and a time when I was close to actually making a name for myself....I literally]   i relapsed [A week before a life changing opportunity....my shot was gone]  i think the grand national was the reason i was  lured back ,i was addicted again .

 This  [ illness ]  has messed my life up . I've had in that time one holiday, ruined my relationship with a truly lovely person , never had money to get married or even think about kids . i have a house ....Just .  re mortgaged Twice  [ To pay the gambling debts on my cards] but i maxed out the three credit cards 'again' a decade ago, and i currently owe around ***** .i owe the tax ,and the last straw was i blew the money to pay that tax man in my local pub last night playing the bandit [ its always these interactive ones ], [ i won last week , the next day gone ...  I've never put an actual coin in a machine for at least 15 years , always notes . The most I've lost in a day was **** , *** plus is commonplace . this year has been the worst . every penny i have earned i have spent , i barely buy food now , inc walking 15 miles home at night after blowing all  my cash [ I've done this twice btw ] .  

Last night was literally the breaking point , i am in no way a violent person but as i walked out of that pub , i punched a nearby wall and i have broken my hand , i then frantically googled , gambling helpline numbers , and this sites number came up . i had a one hour chat , and i received  a  follow up call today . fixing me an assessment . then there will be eight consultations . 

I have an addictive personality ,[ bar drugs and smoking ,which i have never done ]  i have pushed the boat out . but gambling is the worst . a few pints i feel like s@it and stop . gambling i cannot . i live on my own , i have been single now for over a decade , not even any other relationships , and there is nobody to hand over my funds too . the first thing i will do is snap my cash card and use the i wallet . and only take any cash i need . 

 I need my brain re wiring , and once i am pointed in the right direction , i will make it my duty to use this knowledge to help others if that is via volunteering , via a helpline , visiting schools . or Lobbying MP's i will make it my duty . Forget climate emergencies  kids will die , if nothing changes , my gambling is physical [ i have never gambled online ] that is the scourge . 

Finally ...   My post is a ramshackle mess but that is where i am atm .