I have an online slot addiction

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, signed up after receiving some very helpful advice from the live chat.

Not exactly sure where to start but as the title says, I have an addiction to online slots. I guess I will just tell my story. I hope whatever I say doesn't go against the forum guidelines etc and I hope anything I type doesn't act as a trigger for anybody so from here onwards please consider this a trigger warning.

I started using online betting websites back in August last year after a friend introduced me to some of them. I had played online slots occasionally in the past but they never really interested me until then. It started off fine, I was simply signing up and using whatever offers they had on and rarely gambled any of my own money, if I won a few quid then great, if not then it wasn't a huge issue, of course until I had my first 'big' win. 

I'm trying not to get too much into detail with the amounts etc but it started off small, but after what I considered big wins I felt like I was on a roll... until I wasn't anymore. I would tell myself that it was fine, I was ok for money at that point, anything I withdrew often and anything else I gambled was just excess winnings anyway, it was money I could afford to lose. I used to think that winning £20 quid was a good session, but once I got a taste of it, that became pocket change, it wasn't enough anymore. 

I would tell my wife excitedly if I had a particularly decent win, then brush off her concerns with the usual 'patter', I can stop anytime, I know when enough is enough etc. etc. But then chasing those wins became trying to break even, then breaking even became chasing losses. The streak came to an end, but the spins didn't. 

In November I had pretty much lost the last of my money, we had been financially OK for the first time in years, but it was gone now, I always tried to keep tabs and up until that point nearly every website told me that I had withdrawn more than I had deposited, I should have stopped then, but this time I checked it was a different story, it scared me a little seeing just how much I was putting back into those websites, I saw the mess my bank account was in, thousands in and out regularly. I reassured myself that in reality very little of that was my own money, and I was just gambling away my winnings.

I got drunk one night, didn't go to bed, my wife woke the next morning and I tearfully told her what I had done, she was annoyed, but sympathetic, I felt so embarrassed. I told her I had learned my lesson, I self excluded myself from the sites I was using. I did ok for a few weeks, but I couldn't stop thinking about it, kept telling myself that I was due a win, so I signed up to more, including those that let you deposit using your mobile phone bill. 

I kept telling myself this is for the greater good... I am the only person in my house working during the pandemic, I pay the rent etc. it's a strain, I'm doing this for my family... Again I got paid and every night at work I would think, I'll just make a small deposit, until again I was depositing more and more trying to make back what I had lost. I always make sure the rent gets paid above all else, I couldn't however afford my phone / internet bills etc so I arranged a late payment for my next pay day. Of course now I have 2 phone bills to pay this month, including extra for the deposits charged to the account. 

Basically I end up with very little left for the month, so you can guess what comes next, only this time I win, the stakes get higher, I win again, I end up with more than I had just been paid (which was more than I usually get due to unused holiday pay etc being added), I gamble some more, I lose a couple of hundred, but It's fine, I still have more than enough to cover the month, I stopped there and was so relieved that I had sorted things. I work alone at night, so it was always my time to gamble.

I didn't want to tell my wife, I didn't want her to know I have been risking my own money on it, but the next morning I couldn't help myself, I end up making up some story that I had won a bit on a daily bonus game or something, and that I gambled the winnings and hit a jackpot, she was happy but concerned, "Stop now though!" she said, I agreed, until I was at work again that night...

Bored and alone at work I think, surely a small deposit won't hurt, I could easily win big again, until again I was chasing losses, by the time I am home I have lost 2/3's of my balance and was back in the same position I was 2 days ago, it was heart wrenching but we could manage on that, I was planning to quit smoking too so that will save a fortune, except, being the idiot that I am, I decide to have another go, then another, just a bit more, the more I bet then the more likely I am to win... until I have barely anything left, at one point I could have put myself in a better position, but again, I was weak, rather than withdraw I keep going, now I am worse off.

So this is what's led me here, I am terrified to tell my wife that my jackpot is no more, that I have P*ssed it up the wall yet again. I reached out via live chat who brought me to the forum. They have helped me set up Gamstop and install Gamban on my devices. They have also made a referral for 1-1 therapy over the phone.

I won't lie, I am scared witless about what lies ahead, I just hope that I can find the support I need and maybe in the near future support others as well.

Thank you for having me.