I thought I'd reached the bottom, but I found out the bottom has a basement.

i think if you know you have a problem, and as you say it can take over your mind so easily and quickly then temporary bans from sites won't help.  Try Gamstop you can self exclude from all online casinos for up to 5 years, you can also with most banks put a gambling stop on your account.  Unfortunately there doesn't seem to be safe play for people with an addition, you have to stop forever and to do this you have to put all the blocks in place that you can, because a detox has to be forever

@deborah270882

Thanks Deborah.  I think you’re right.

 It was all I could do to put a 6 month time out on last night but I could see me counting down the days and then going on a manic binge (again) trying to get that carrot on a stick.

I feel like a fool this morning.  Almost like a hangover.  I have to get my head around the never again commitment or I’m doomed.

I can understand the trance element.

You feel disconnected from what you are doing and keep depositing knowing that you shouldn't but it doesn't feel like you doing it.  It is kind of like an out of body experience and the worst is waking up the next day and it sinking in what you have done. 

I signed up to Gamstop this morning for 5 years & I suggest you do the same & don't look back.

I considered only doing a 1 year ban but talked myself out of it.

I would worry in a years time I would not renew and then some stressful event could happen in my life and then I turn to gambling again. 

We have all been there and it really is a horrible feeling. The trance you mention is so real, nothing else matters at the time except getting your money back. The funds in the account don't feel like real money, and telling myself im done then finding myself back online next payday has happened every time. Im gamble free for only 3 days now but it feels different this time, I just need to stay strong.

Definitely try the gamstop it will not let you gamble on any uk regulated site. The problem for me was the crypto casinos that were not regulated, i still managed to lose a lot of money with them. 

We need to stay strong through this disease, I wish you the best of luck.

@jvh96mrnb0

Thanks NeverAgain. 

Best of luck to you too.  I have been watching some inspiring youtubes about focusing on what you want instead of what you don't want.  Like if you are thinking "I don't want to gamble anymore"  all your brain hears is GAMBLE.  Better to think of something you want that is positive (like "I am energetic and working toward making my home cozy." or " I keep busy and love to eat healthy all the time!"  like that) and the bad stuff just falls away.  So they say anyway!  lol I will give it a go along with anything else I find that's hopeful.  

I must go and figure out what the hell I want and make a list!  Hang in there.  Our stories are not over yet.

@0mizweja4b Exactly.  Thanks Corrin.  Good move on your part, plus I like the "and don't look back" part.  Onward through the fog!  Best of luck to you.

I know exactly what you are describing. I still struggle to understand what my tipping point into the trance is. It happens so quickly. I have gamstop and Gamban. Between them it seems to be preventing the trance from taking place. I have been researching for years to understand my own behaviours and can only speak for myself. Firstly I needed to admit I have a ‘compulsive’ addiction. That part is key. Understand compulsive behaviours is really hard to get your head around. Secondly, despite being a good and kind person. I have had to accept that I have become a very good liar. I have deprived my loved ones of honesty and a standard of living that they could’ve had. They have been none the wiser and have not gone without as such. But knowing what (I) know. Things could’ve been so much better. To me that is a bitter pill to swallow. Somehow that ‘trance’ made me ok with it. After a loss. I figured out a way to just pick myself up and move on from it. Somehow, it was no big deal because my bills were paid and there’s food in the house ( and non one knows). I am still waiting for the shame to kick in to be honest. Logically, I am ashamed because I know I should be. But somehow I am blocking the feeling. I’m still hoping I can get away with what I have done to myself and my finances. My husband knows about the addiction, he knows that I have had a ‘few’ blips. But he doesn’t know the depth of it all because I have become a master at hiding it and ‘fixing’ things. I guess that means I’m still hiding? Do I ever have to own up to the truth or can I just stop gambling, fix my finances and move on with life? Anyway my advice is to get as many blockers in place. I have mentioned on here a few days ago that satisfying the craving for dopamine in other ways could help as well. I have recently discovered 8D music. It’s aimed at adhd. I am not formally diagnosed with adhd but weirdly gambling calms down my head ( the trance) so I suspect adhd is an issue for me. There is lots of free music on YouTube and Spotify. Maybe give that a try when you first notice the urge. It seems to help me anyway. 

@orem1h9lnd Thanks, Circles. 🙂

I haven't heard of 8D music, and I do have ADHD, so I will look into it. 

Yes, I feel like I was living a double life too.  Gambling was my secret life - and still is.  Also lied a lot and prepared lies to tell - just in case.  It's only now that I am completely broke and can't stick my head in the sand about my losses anymore that I am realizing all the good things I could have done with that money for myself and my family.  I'm talking houses and cars here.  I used to have a lot of money.  Gone.

I may tell my family about it all someday but only if I have many gamble-free years under my belt.  

The compulsion and the trance probably have something to do with dopamine but they have experts making these games highly addictive.  I know they did experiments with rats where if they hit the lever, a pellet came out every time.  The rat would just eat a few then leave. 

Then they made it so that a pellet only came out occasionally. 

All of the rats in the study became preoccupied with the lever - that is to say, they became obsessed! They stopped all of their regular rat behaviours like socialising or rearranging their nests. They started neglecting their self-care by not grooming or sleeping regularly. The quality of their lives diminished severely. The intermittent reinforcement of sporadically and unpredictably providing the pellet of food when they pushed the lever created an addiction,

I'm a bloody lab rat!  I think of how ridiculous I must have looked, sitting either at home or at a casino, not wanting to talk to anybody, or eat, or leave, just hit the lever, hit the lever, hit the lever.  GAWD  It makes me cringe.

I thought I may try brainwashing myself by replacing the word gamble with the word walk.  So my head would say "I feel like a wee walk" or "I could walk for hours - I love it!"  Maybe I will get fit!  Maybe I will start walking and listen to 8D music and see how that goes.

I know this is the end of the road for me.  I am not burning my money away anymore.  I have to change and that's going to be a big effort I think.

Anyway, thanks again for your reply.  It helps to swap stories with others here.  I don't feel so alone about it all. 

Be good to yourself.   Beware the trance!

@orem1h9lnd I think you need to be open and honest about absolutely everything, I did it came clean, every dirty secret and lie, the things I did the mess I got us into, they were so supportive I struggled with the guilt at first the shame was over bearing but time is a healer. 

I have tried to stop before but never opened up about everything.  I have opened up to my partner my daughter and my parents, and I have found that I have no interest at all no urges, and its the feeling of guilt and shame that stops me, they all know everything now so I cannot get away with a relapse, I will let every single one of them down and all the hard work I have put in building back their trust would have been for nothing.

I have also found it easier to talk honestly and openly about my addiction with them when i need to, because they do know everything the lying has completely stopped because I have nothing to lie about any more.

Its only early days and I know there will be hurdles along the way but today is 40 days gamble free for me.

Morning.  This is my first full day not gambling and on reading this thread was drawn to the references and connection i can make with the term ‘trance’ and how it grips and absorbs me.  I have just reached out to inform my mum (im in my early 50’s) to try to share with her whats going on and am tired of living a lie to others and notably also to my myself.  I hope your journeys are all going as well as they can be and wish you all well for the future.