I used to be strong

Until I reached my mid 20s, I was strong. I never followed the crowd or gave in to peer pressure. I never smoked. Didn’t drink much. Never engaged in any risky activities. Was only interested in playing football, studying hard, staying indoors, and never cared for women.

I’m here because I feel my life has gone full circle. I’m now the worst person for risky activities and the biggest problem for me is gambling.

When I hit my mid 20s, I was in a difficult job where I began to be bullied by the most awful boss, and I also suffered psychological abuse at the hands of my dad, who became very ill at the time and took it out on me. I remember suddenly feeling so alone, so hopeless, and I lost all my self esteem. I began developing problems eating, and I started drinking, smoking, gambling, doing online dating and having casual s*x.

My dad passed away a few years ago and I then started going to bars alone and one bar in particular had a gambling machine that I started to play. It felt like escapism. I was looking for a thrill to escape my miserable life. Suddenly small amounts became larger amounts and I became addicted. I’d withdraw a decent amount from my account to play with, I’d watch others win and lose big on it. I’d sometimes win but more often than not I’d lose nearly a weeks wages in one night. It was just indescribable. When I’m gambling I’m not even thinking logically. Then I’m full of shame and regret afterwards. Like that person wasn’t even me.

I went to the doctors around a year ago and talked to them about my issues. They said I’d need to sort out each of my issues individually, and gave me numbers to call for each area. They wouldn’t refer me to counselling directly. I found that such a kick in the teeth because to me all of it is linked but my major concern is my gambling. I can’t continue to have money problems and be self destructive. I just need someone to talk to about how I changed and what I can do to get well. I’ve tried alone. I’m not strong anymore.

All I think about at work is money and gambling. Getting home and playing online slots. I’m obsessed.

The reason I’m here now is because a week ago I had my biggest ever win online. It was over a grand. I was delighted. It was half a month’s wages for me. It was the boost I had been looking for. A little bit of a financial cushion so I can stop living on the edge and start saving properly. I promised myself and my mum I’d start saving now. But what did I do this week? I blew the whole lot on the same slot thinking lightning would strike twice. Remembering that elation I had. I’m now overdrawn and have a week until I get paid. I’m so exhausted and depressed of this miserable cycle.

I don’t know where else to turn to right now. I’ve told family and friends and they don’t understand how I can just waste my money and they look so disappointed in me, which just compounds my feelings of misery. I have to tell people, because I can’t hide emotions. When I’ve won, you see the happiest and most jovial character. When I lose, I walk around with a blank expression, barely able to get words out. Traumatised by what I’ve done.

I’ve tried apps to stop gambling. I’ve tried self control (which I had before). I’m just so tired of myself, feel so weak and want to cry inside constantly. I honestly don’t know what to do next. So here I am. Embarrassed at writing this. Ashamed at what I’ve become.