It starts today.... my journal and journey into recovery

Hi

Once in the recovery program I was accountable to my self.

To identify what habits were my unhealthy and were my healthy.

Being accountable to my self was a healthy habit.

And to no  longer beat my self or call my self names.

By exchanging my unhealthy and in to my healthy habits was good for my recovery.

To give up procrastinating and be more motivated in healthy ways.

Being productive in healthy ways I grew more.

Dave L

Excellent first post mate. Hopefully you’ve taken some advice already and put blocks in place on everything. 

You are right in saying you are now the student and you will learn loads in here. You will also realise that quickly you will have to become the instructor too. This time it will be of your own self though. You will have to change your routine and keep motivated and only you can do that. Obviously you can get tips and advice in here and keeping a diary is a great way of doing that. 

You are also the same as me in that you hit rock bottom, and kept digging. I’m not sure there is a rock bottom in gambling. We can always make it worse dreaming of making it better. It never gets better until we quit. 

Looking forward to following your progress and hopefully see you in some of the chat rooms.

Stay strong 💪 

Day 1: 

Ok so as I expected and have experienced many times before, day 1 was tough. But weirdly, it felt easier than the other first days. That's probably because I feel it deep inside that I'm motivated for change, but I'm not getting ahead of myself. Only a few hours ago I had a fleeting thought of winning back that large amount of money I lost 2 days ago. I actually had to say to myself aloud "STOP" and a few additional expletives to go along with it. 

It feels amazing that for once I'm fully aware of what the addictive mindset is and to be able to fight back by talking back to it. Today I came out on top. I've hit the pillow as a winner for once and it's felt amazing to know I am actually in control. But I know that the journey is long and the destination seems like an eternity away. I know that I have to keep myself busier than I am. There's improvements to be made, but it's baby steps and I have to remind my impatient brain that this is not a sprint, it's a marathon. 

The blocks, self exclusions and reduced cash withdrawal limits have been a godsend. If not for those, I'm almost positive this post would be something different. I'm waiting to hear back about some further in person support and I can't tell you how excited I am for this. To be able to actually talk about these struggles will be such a huge weight off. 

I'm so happy day 1 had a good ending. I've had many successful days ones but mostly because of no money to gamble with, whereas this felt different because I have enough to gamble with, but I chose not to. So it's true, you can be a winner in gambling. You can win every single day if you choose not to do it. I'm feeling great! 

Let's see what day 2 brings. I know it's the weekend approaching and I'll be bored so there's some challenges ahead to overcome. Reporting back in approximately 24 hours time. 

Ps thank you for your comments and support gadave and weirdfsh. really appreciate your input and your comments are always welcomed and I hope you can follow this journey. 🙏

Thank you for reaching our for support Adderz89 

I am glad to hear the blocks, self-exclusions and reduced cash withdrawals are helping you. We do have our helpline which is open 24/7 and one of our advisors can refer you to one of our specialist gambling practitioners for one to one support if you ever require it in the future 

Thank you for contributing so positively to the forum 

Wishing you all the best in your recovery. 

Day 2: 

So day 2 seemed to be much harder than the first. The urges and cravings were absolutely unbearable at times. The constant thoughts of winning my losses back and thinking of ways around the blocks and limits have been over powering. I even tried to reverse the cash withdrawal limits with my bank but thankfully I seen sense before I applied any actions on the account but I feel as if it's only a matter of time before I let weakness win again. 

I'm actually feeling quite depressed that I can't gamble. It's such a familiar thing I. My life that I turn to when I am feeling down that it feels like losing a best friend. Almost like we've fell out and they won't forgive me. It's funny because you never really realise how much you love something until it's gone. I love gambling so much but I also know how destructive and poisness it's been for me and my life. I also have realised it's not completely about the money why I'm doing it. I'm clearly just compensating for other things missing in my life. It's a lonely place right now but I have to be strong. 

I've also signed myself up to moses because I realised the bookmakers was also an option. It's not now. I've pretty much done everything I can to put blocks in place but I really need this support from the Gamcare treatment sessions now. I feel like I need to talk to someone to let these feelings out. It's great that I can come here once and day and use this as an outlet but the thoughts of relapsing are just too powerful. I am having to show mental strength like I've never had to before. 

One thing that I am really struggling with is spending my own money without thinking that I need to win it back. It can be on something so ridiculous like my food shop or a treat to myself. It hurts that I'm spending my own money on things and it's this stupid self entitlement I seen to have around it as if somehow I deserve everything for free. Like gambling should be funding my life as if I'm some sort of celebrity. Then I realise that everyone has to spend their own money to live and that's a thing called reality. I'm not a special case and just because I think I deserve to win and have a free life, I absolutely do not. I'm angry at myself for holding these irrational beliefs that gambling owes me a free life. Nothing in life is free!! 

Anyway I'm on my third day now and I'm starting the day with some self care. I'm going out to buy myself some games for my console and I'm going to tell myself I deserve them and that it's normal to spend money on yourself and be ok with it. It's important to start feeling like a normal productive member of society again. Even the coffee that I buy I am deserving of and it's standard for it to cost money without feeling a need to have it back in my pocket. I just hope I can get through the day again with some positivity and willpower to stay strong. 

Much love to you all 😆

I enjoyed reading that post. You articulate your situation very well. You summed up exactly how I used to feel. The love for gambling was strong in me too. Looking back I realise I loved the escapism, the buzz, the false sense of security in what I was doing. Obviously this was followed by self loathing and embarrassment for losing huge sums of money. Its a vicious circle of gambling to feel happy, only to be made incredible sad because of gambling. Repeat. Giving up also needs a grieving process for losing something you love. Imagine that! Having to grieve for something that caused so much pain. Unfortunately the joy we all experienced when gambling were false and short lived. It's a shame we only remember the fun and happy moments.

I too wanted things for free. I often thought about winning x amount so I could buy myself something. 6 months gamble free and I can buy myself something when I want. I don't have to run the gauntlet of gambling to live the life I always wanted. For me it's now crazy to imagine ever being like that.

Computer games are a great way to distract the mind. I was not a gamer, but i went for a long game like assassins creed etc, that take ages to complete. Really takes your mind of it, especially if you get all nerdy and use google to find all the secrets and routes you can take. Weeks of being occupied with something else.

Some day soon you will get joy from spending money on yourself and not feel guilty. Keep up the great work and awesome posts.

Stay strong 👍 

Day 3: 

Today was a good day overall, but I'm edging ever so close to relapse. My mind is still consumed with winning back that money I lost recently and it's like a personal grudge I can't seem to let go of. I just can't shake the idea they have my money, but to be fair most of my life they've had it so why can't I let go of this one, when I have all the others? The truth is, because I'm in that cycle where the belief and hope is still there and it's very fresh still.. What if I did get lucky and win it back, what then? Am I going to suddenly quit gambling? Of course not, I'm going to be on such a high and want to keep replicating it. 

I know that now is the time or it's never and I knew this was going to be tough. And boy is it proving to be a challenge. I promised myself I wouldn't lie to myself or this diary and it's time to come clean. I moved all my money tonight in a different account with the fullest intent to gamble tomorrow morning in a location where Moses isn't active. Whilst I'm writing this it's becoming clear to me what an awful idea this is. So I'm going to be one of their first callers in the morning to absolutely ensure that area is also on the barr list. It's crazy what your "gambling brain" can convince you to do. I was on absolute auto pilot doing it and didn't even once consider this was a problem. I've just moved the money back to where it should be. I'm really struggling with this. 

In a sick and twisted sense, I'm also enjoying the fight and the challenge. I suppose it doesn't matter what I do or think or feel, the only thing that matters is finding the strength not to actually do it. Of course I'm going to be urging and craving beyond comprehension I'm going cold turkey at the only thing I've ever known. Not by circumstances this time, by my own choice. I should be proud not sat here running mudel

Hi

Your openeing up your self to such honesty is very powerful and very healthy.

In time your honesty will reduce your fears.

In time your honesty will help heal the pains of your past.

Rather than react in unhealthy ways due to pains not healed, fears not faced or reduced you willl heal from the pains of your past.

In time you will no longer want or need to escape to unhealthy habits.

In time you will become amuch healthier person.

In time you will exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

No more lies.

No more false promises.

Healing love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham 

It's with great sadness and disappointment to have to record that I have relapsed. And it wasn't even a small one. I've done away with every penny I owned and left myself with diddly squat. 21p to my name for another 3 weeks. All for 45 minutes of thrill. It was building up inside and that was always going to be the outcome. I just didn't expect it to be so fast and harsh. 

I was playing the slots at the bookies who got some reason allowed my entry despite my moses self exclusion but you know what? I'm not even interested in pointing the finger this time. This was all my own doing and I have to take responsibility of this. I'm just utterly heartbroken this time. I'm actually so upset I can't even bring myself to cry anymore. It's like a total numbness inside. I've been here countless times before but with each time you genuinely can feel a piece of you has been stripped away. 

I feel somewhat let down by the Gamcare treatment services as I'd expected to hear from them by now but let's be honest would have hearing from them really prevented this from happening? I doubt it. I'm so beat up right now and all I can do is sit here and feel sorry for myself. 

I walked home after the incident and all I could think about was the end. Peace from all of this. It was a blissful few minutes just picturing not a life free from gambling, just total darkness with no feelings at all. But nearly 48 hours has passed and I'm picking myself back up. We don't find exit strategies, we learn and we grow. Although I'm not entirely sure what the lessons are anymore but they're their somewhere to be found. 

I do ask myself if I had won, would I have bothered sharing that here? Would I have continued and pretending I was GF? I really don't know but I'm trying to be as honest with myself as possible. And the real honesty in this is I don't even think I know what recovery is. I don't even feel like it's possible. I have zero confidence in myself and my own decisions anymore. I feel like I need to be in some kind of home just having everything done for me. My own thoughts and feelings managed as well as everything else I feel that detached from myself I just want someone to operate me as if I'm some kind of vehicle. To be able to say it's not my fault or doing when it goes wrong. 

Anyway this is where we are. The counter has been reset. I'm 2 days in again and now I can't gamble because there's nothing to gamble with. It seems at this point in times this will be the only way I can't continue on. Lose everything, give everything or chuck it away. For as long as I have no money there's no chance. 

It's time to dust myself off and allow time to heal this one. It's going to take a while to recover from this but as I said I've been here before. There's no silver linings in my view this time but we live to fight another day. 

Much love and happiness to you all 

Hello Adderz89

Thank you for being so honest and sharing this – it takes a lot of courage to do this when you’re feeling so upset and numb.

I can hear how much frustration and pain you’re experiencing. It sounds like you feel totally trapped in a cycle and wondering whether it is possible that things can change. Along with this, your self-belief has been totally knocked to the point you don’t have any confidence in your own decision making. It all sounds really exhausting.

I am sorry to hear you’re feeling somewhat let down by GamCare. If you can phone our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or make contact through our 1:1 Livechat, we could look into your referral with your local support team for you and find out where it’s at. We can also discuss other support options. You can find out more details about the Helpline here:  https://www.gamcare.org.uk/get-support/talk-to-us-now/ . It can feel so isolating but you’re not alone with this and we would like to support you.

Your description of your thoughts around having an end to everything when you were walking home sounds so difficult. I can hear you were able to pick yourself back up but if you’d like to talk to us, our Helpline is available 24/7. We can provide a space for you to talk about how you’re feeling. Samaritans can also support you at any time if you’re experiencing emotional distress:  https://www.samaritans.org/  Tel: 116 123.

Despite feeling like there is no silver linings, you have found the strength to share your experiences and I hope you can keep using this forum as a safe space. I also hope you’re able to get the support you’re looking for.

Wishing you well,

Claire

Forum Admin

Hi forum admin 

Thank you for your reply. A few days has passed since it happened and I am feeling much better. Whilst I appreciate the support and sign posting to the Samaritans, I was merely just documenting how I felt on the day. I will be okay! 

Update: 

So as you can imagine it's been a tough couple of days. This has been a real tough pill to swallow and I am finding that my mind continues to focus on this to the point that I cannot focus on anything else. I am not consumed with force of wanting to gamble I am consumed with guilt self-hate and regret. I keep asking myself why did I need to do this? I had money, ok it was not a huge amount but it was enough to get me by with enough spending money to last me the whole month but instead I chose to take a complete unnecessary risk which was not going to pay off. Now I am finding myself in a position where my back is against the wall and I am struggling to make ends meet until next payday. I have managed to get my hands on a tiny bit of money from a relative to get me by but I had to conceal the real reason why I needed this. It's absolutely shameful. 

Obviously feeling the way I am it's almost like I'm happy that I'm not able to gamble but completely sad that I have to sabotage myself to such degrees to make it impossible. I know that I have to let go of what's happened and move forward but I fear that if I do let go it's almost like I don't care and it doesn't matter when it does. How many times will I repeat the same thing and learn my lesson? We've all heard of the definition of insanity right? Insanity is where you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different result. I'm definitely driving myself insane over this.

I'm going to take a new approach when I get paid this month. As I'm pretty confident the money will just go anyway I'm going to start making an extravagant purchase the day I get paid and leave myself with exactly what I need to live on for the month. That way I get something tangible out of my wages rather than blowing it in a slot machine on a high street in 45 minutes. Working a whole month for free is now a thing of the past. If I need to go on holiday I'm just paying for it. If I need a brand new games console I'm paying for it. Literally the day I get paid. I had all these grandiose ideas of saving X amount of money next year but this just doesn't seem to be working out for me so I would rather knock the idea on the head and start living again. It might be a irresponsible to blow my wages on extravagant things but it can't be any more irresponsible than putting your whole month's worth of blood sweat and tears into a machine that has no feelings about you. 

The truth of the matter is I don't even really need any support. I know what it is that I need to do. I don't need to be told things I already know. It's not like I'm new to this. I've got 20 years experience of gambling beneath my belt and I already know what I need to be doing I just need to be doing them. This is a massive U-turn from the idea that I'm going to be the pupil rather than the teacher, but I also think I can teach myself a few things as well as learn a few things. I'm going to go at this solo again but try to stick to my guns on a new way forward. If I want my life back again, I simply just have to start living. Gambling is not living. Gambling is existing. And I no longer want to just exist..

Peace and happiness