just found out yesterday my husband has been gambling and racked up a lot of debt

Hi JMT65, 

Thank you for being so open and honest about what's going on right now.

I want to reassure you that none of this is your fault, and your husband needs to take responsibility and accountability for his gambling and the consequences it has had.

I'm sure you will receive some great advice from the forum community very soon, but in the meantime, if you would like to speak to an adviser about your situation, we're here 24/7 through our helpline on 0808 8020 133. You can also contact us through our live chat, facebook, and whatsapp.

You're not alone - so please do reach out.

Take care,

Phoebe

Forum Admin

Hey, reading this really hit home what I did, this was exactly me!! 

I hid the bank the account from my husband for so long, I swapped banks a lot so that things weren’t found out. The mortgage is in my husband’s name and we took out £20k from it last year, well, he thinks it’s £20k but it was £30k. I’ve taken out 2 credit cards and 2 loans in his name and he had no idea at the time. I found a way to make payments to them saving the payee under a different name (Tesco) so it just looks like a shopping transaction, in case he absolutely demanded ti look at the bank. He now has access to the account.

All I would say is, gambling is an illness. It’s makes you a completely different person. I missed out so much time with my boys (they’re 7 & 3 now) as all I could think about was gambling. It’s draws you in, it’s evil and it takes everything from you. But, you still go back for more, chasing those losses thinking you can make it all better, win money to pay stuff off. In reality, that never happens, and you spend more! You do anything to get hold of money, anything!!!! 

I was backed in to a corner earlier this year when a load of bank statements came through the post one day when I wasn’t home. I would always try and be home for the postman and do my work around that. I came clean, told him most of it (still not the mortgage £30k situation) He really was so lovely over it, didn’t once shout at me or get angry. He was more sad that I went through it all and was so alone.

I have relapsed and on day 6 GF now (I got to nearly 100 days before) and he doesn’t know about it yet, but I will tell him. It’s all part of the recovery.

Please stick by him, if he’s willing to get help for it. He is going to need you more than ever. 
He won’t be able to do it alone. I put off telling my husband for so long as I feared the worse but it was no where near how I thought it would be. I literally wouldn’t be hear today if the worse had happened! 

Take care of yourself and I hope things can get sorted out, for both your sakes.

Claire x

Hello JMT65 and Welcome

You have done exactly the right thing by writing this on the forum. 

You can take control of your life after a few deep breaths of starting again with the right knowledge and advice

The first thing you must do is protect yourself financially and this may take support from your line of the family or legal advice

You need a new brand of tough love if you chose to try and help him. That decision is yours and nobody here is judging you. 

He needs carefully worded reality checks or ultimatums which can only help him face REALITY..... you are not a bank and his behaviour or addiction is not acceotable to you..... even a bank wont bail a known gambling addict.... just delays impebding disaster

You can only help if he is ready to recover and accept help. you need to now be controlling every aspect of the finances.... YES ALL HIS MONEY!.... he lives on a small allowance with receipts

If he grumbles or moans he doesnt understand the devastating ruinous power of a gambling addiction. 

You need to learn of this as a drug addiction. He is an ill person trying to get better  ... not a bad person trying to be good

This all means no more loans or borrows to bail people out.... the brutal truth is you have been seen as a bank or credit card by a drug addict who couldnt help himself

Now we dont know your family relationships but I like to think you can help him with the right support.

I REPEAT.... if he grumbles, gets irritated or moans you have to base your decisions on whether you can help or whether he wants help! 

you have much to learn but you can start today by separating bank accounts and making sure he is not borrowing elsewhere. 

I wish you well. Stay on the forum and keep asking questions... stay strong and seek more support away from your household

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Please excuse the typos above as I've been using the phone rather than tablet.... editing is on a timer which expires

I just wanted to add that the gambling must stop and you need to sit down as a family to take stock of the situation and work out who owes who what amount

This may have to be done over many meetings and things put in writing with legal advice if needed

If you take control of everything its a new start in terms of balancing the books and getting things in order in files.

However you need to be proactive and give your husbsnd a gentle push into a GA meeting and counselling.

I dont know your earnings vs outgoings but debts may have to be frozen and the citizens advice bureau is a good place for help

I dont know if your husband understands how important relationships are but there is addictive manipulation and secrets because he is an addict.

All of his wages should be going to you in a sole account and you need to find out where you stand with the roof over your head

I cant really say much more at this stage

All the best and ring gamcare again if you need the one to one voice

@cpparch thank you so much for this reply. I am trying to be understanding and hearing from your perspective is really helpful.
 It’s all so raw at the moment and I need to do something today. I have stayed in the bedroom all weekend but I am meeting my sister later and going to come up with a plan. I am then going to sit down with my husband tomorrow and list what needs to happen, he’s said he will show me all his bank statements but he is great at saying that and then not following through as I have found out to my detriment .

At least I now have this forum, and I am also going to speak to an adviser too. 

Good luck with your journey too, your husband sounds great and I really hope you stay GF x

@joydivider Thank you, I first need him to actually accept the extent of his addiction. I fear this will be the stumbling block. He is deluded and it is making me angry.

First off i would sit down and separate your finances from his and from what i can understand your sons , at the moment it sounds like one big mess 

Shut the joint accounts down immediately change all your passwords and details 

Your husband needs to take whatever debt is there on under his name and his name alone 

Unfortunately gamblers get sucked into this world where nothing matters other than the gambling , he now has to take responsibility for the chaos his actions have caused to your family 

@jmt65 you’re welcome.

It will be raw for a long long time. And he will have a lot of proving to do. There is so much help out there for him but he has got to want it and he has to be totally honest about everything. Expect a relapse, it can be part of recovery. I got complacent, thought I could be in control as I got to nearly 100 days, but no, it doesn’t work like that.

I would do anything to turn back the clock, anything. I was full of regrets everyday. But then I stopped  - I didn’t choose for this to happen, I had no control over it. It took over me in every way, shape and form. So now I’ve stopped blaming myself. It’s a horrible illness and I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. 

Always come on here to chat or just fill in this post about how you’re feeling. So much support here for you x

This all sounds too familiar. All I can say is be prepared to find more stuff come out the woodworks for months to come. 

As difficult as it is, try to separate your husband from the addict. 

This illness is just awful and his punishment is going to be to live with this forever. Right now he's going to need a lot of support as will you.

Hang in there .

@cpparch at the moment he is in denial. He has just moved out to his mothers as he said I was ‘hounding’ him when all I have done is ask to see his bank account. He admitted I won’t like what I see. All the credit cards and loans he took out are in my name, I just don’t understand how he could do that. Surely they would need an email address and confirmation from me to confirm the loan? 
He is now blaming me for spending too much ( the odd purchase of make up and clothing). I am so angry and still having to keep this from my son who lives with us. I’ve had to tell him my husband has gone to stay with his Dad who is ill ( he actually is ill, one bit of information I know to be true) I feel like my world is crumbling.

@jmt65 it can easily be done! Because I did the same! I used my email address, my mobile number but used all his details. A lot is done online now, so no paperwork to sign. 
Do you know in total how much the loans etc are? Could you sign up to Experian and take a look at your credit file? It will tell you all the info there, all the credit you have? 

@jmt65 it can easily be done! Because I did the same! I used my email address, my mobile number but used all his details. A lot is done online now, so no paperwork to sign. 
Do you know in total how much the loans etc are? Could you sign up to Experian and take a look at your credit file? It will tell you all the info there, all the credit you have?

@naina Thanks for your reply. I have already found out more information out today that is killing me! The worst part is trying to pretend that everything is ok in front of my children ( grown up and one lives with us) 

He has gone to stay with his parents as he said I am hounding him! His dad is ill ( this much is true) and he said that’s all he cares about. 

@cpparch yes I’ve  checked on experian, it’s about 5 grand but he borrowed 3.5 on Saturday and I’m guessing it’s in my name and that won’t show up yet. But on top of that he has been transferring money to his account (large amounts as I foolishly had my pension pay out in my current account) 

At least the payments are up to date ( they are coming out of my account that’s why!)