I was just sat thinking about how I cannot believe how dumb I am when I gamble..
How you can go through hundreds of pounds in an hour, spinning some dumb slot waiting for 3 bonus symbols... Then not ever getting them, or winning 5x your stake when you do.. Or even on the odd occasion you win.. cancelling the withdrawal 6 hours later and losing the lot..
I used to play 20p spins, and people on the chat on the gambling site would moan about losing 1000s and I used to think.. Moron.. what kind of person would do that..
You can never win.. You really cannot. I look now at those who 'win big' on some of these sites. They spent 100 quid on a spin and won like 5k. They would then also have spent that in 30 seconds with those kind of spins.. What a lie those stats are.. Thats not a win..
I do not understand how/why I do it...Or how it escalated.. I have not gambled for a few weeks now after a few years non stop gambling, and I am now feeling the pain of the money I have lost and the effects.. and wondering how I could have kept clicking deposit 50 quid over and over again sometimes a minute after the previous..
Right now, I could barely afford to lose a tenner.. But I just was not thinking about it, it didn't even seem strange.. But it is strange, and so stupid. But nobody is making you do it.. I just cannot get my head around it.. After a life where I value money always.. To do such things.. Ugh..
Anyway I am just mumbling here.
My main point is.. Life is short, really short. You get one life.. Why the hell would you want to spend it, sat alone, spinning virtual slot machines, for hours and hours. Day and night. Not wanting to stop to eat, pee. Just spinning. Until you are out of money. Then feeling depressed as hell. Then waking up trying to find more money (ANY) way possible. Then repeat.
Walking around thinking of slots.. Watching big wins on youtube. Yelling at loved ones because you want your alone slots time. Your whole mind becomes spinning slots..
There is so much you can do with your life.. Gambling needs to be banned.. I know it never will be.. but you go into this trance.. Routine.. Which just is not you, its like you become a zombie..
You never realise until it is too late what it is doing to you..
I know full well if I play a slot again, I will be hooked. So I cannot let myself.
But having stopped for 3 weeks, and noticing life again as it should be I just feel like I have been so dumb, and now even though I am stressed 24/7 trying to find money to repay the people I owe.. I do not want to go back.
If I ever do I am scared that will be the end. I will go too far.
I am sorry about this long mumble but I kind of hope somebody reads it and can understand what I am talking about.. I can only say these things here because only those going through it could understand..
Good luck to everyone though, please stop!
Hi it'sover,
I can really empathise with so much of that. I don't know why we do it either -clearly it has an addictive quality to it or we wouldn't be interested. It's very strange though, being on an online Casino site on the slots for me was always something of a twighlight zone -normal rules go out of the window and most of the time I felt very much like "it wasn't real money" or that it was a bit like playing a computer game online and trying to get a high score -and all the time you are clicking "spin" it's not real .... Not until you pull your head out of the PC screen, or go to check your bank balance, then there's that sinking feeling, that terrible realisation and guilt at how stupid you've been.
The kicked for me is exactly as you say though even knowing this even after that last sentence in the paragraph above when you realise what you've done ... You'll log in for another session the next day as you've managed to kid yourself "it might be different this time" or rationalise away that it's ok to have a quick go. It's not, it never is.
The sheer amount of time it eats and the way you have to steal that time for your guilty little secret from your loved ones -I can empathise with that too. I cannot believe not only the amount of money I wasted but also the time.
There was some very good advice posted by another recoveree on here which was along the lines of "for a compulsive gambler there is no winning. All we can ever do is generate more stake money for our next session because we will always be back. And eventually we lose and lose big, and chase ...."
That's so true. Think about it honestly with your gambling head on. Even if you clocked one of those big 10k wins or more, would you have stopped gambling or would you have been back two days, a week, a month later when inevitably you would instantly have begun to erode that "win". The big win videos are all well and good (I used to watch them too) but the ONLY way they can work is if someone has logged on and spent a small amount of money and then clocked a big win AND NEVER GAMBLED AGAIN AFTERWARDS it's just not realistic, someone that has only just started slotting doesnt record their exploits on a youtube channel, with countless other videos on it -now think of all the times you've told people about "a good win last night" and contrast that against the multitude of times you simply didnt tell them that you lost more than you care to admit because it makes you feel sick to your stomach to talk about it ? I know I've done that too. The big wins are just that same pub talk played out in video but idiots like me take them as "proof it can happen" as if that's the only important part of the story.
To quote a cheesy 80's film (im showing my age here but bonus points it you can name it !) "the ONLY way to win is not to play".
Good luck with the recovery mate, I think many of us are asking ourselves the same questions you are.
Best regards
FM
Hi It's Over
It's as if you were inside my head and I totally agree with all you have said. For me, it was a relief when all my money was gone so I could stop gambling.
I have found this site a life-saver, have joined the challenge and started a diary (there is humour in my diary as I find it is easier for me to fight adversity with humour).
There is so much support and encouragement on this forum and it is true what you say that only someone who is either going through it or has been through it really understands. It helps to know we are not alone.
I wish you well in your recovery, it can be beaten.
Elfie x
Hi - you're so right, life is short and any one of us could be snuffed out in the blink of an eye. Yet still I sit for hours playing these wretched online casinos -blackjack for me - which are so blatantly obviously fixed it is beyond laughable. Yet still I do it, wasting money I don't have, being deceitful and dishonest with those I love. To what end?? More bloody money lost. I so wish you well with your recovery. I truly don't think you can really understand it unless you've been through it. Sometimes I try to explain why I can't stop to people and it just sounds pathetic....of course you can stop, just take some responsibility, don't make excuses etc etc. I'm sick and tired and worn out by it all. Gambling should be banned but like you say, it never will be. The gambling industry says most people bet responsibly and enjoy it. I would beg to differ. All the very best to you.
Alli
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