Lost and broken

Thank you. That why I asked him to move out to make things better for us and for him to realise what he's doing. And now I'm actually thinking to get him back and maybe this way by talking to him about it each day and maybe going counselling together will help him. His daughter misses him and me... I can't stand seeing what he's doing to himself.. Or tears me apart.. And the more I read about gambling the more I get to see that he has to admit it and take first steps... But maybe I can help that? What if he's not going to get help or understand he needs it? Maybe being with him will make things easier... I have changed all my passwords and pins so he cannot get into any of my mails or banks . That's sorted, but there is always a but... But maybe we can both work things through. Maybe not getting money will help?

Hi there, I absolutely think you have done the right thing by asking him to move out but please don't start feeling guilty, none of this is your fault & you must put yourself & your baby 1st!

I am a compulsive gambler in recovery, my mother is not & I have tried absolutely everything ever suggested to try & persuade her she has a problem but she won't accept it!

Taking away his money won't fix his mindset & he may just become more sneaky about where he gets it (beg, steal or borrow in most cases). I would suggest you get copies of both of your credit reports so you understand exactly where you stand financially & great work so far but you may need to take further steps to protect yourself. There is nothing you can do you alone to make him better although it has been said that being able to get him over the threshold @ a GA meeting may be a wake up call.

Phone GamCare & get some advice & counselling for you in any case, see if there is a GamAnon group that you can get to...You come first now!

You can work through this together but he can't just sit in the passenger seat whilst you do all the driving, if he doesn't take responsibility for his actions & recovery you will just be papering over cracks!

I know your heart is breaking for him but an active gambler will not be able to stop hurting you. Getting some help for you will put you in a better position to offer help to him! Take care - ODAAT

Yes this is one of the real tragedies of gambling in the way it shreds relationships.

Protect yourself and then maybe you can help him from a distance and with strict controls. Its an extemely dangerous addiction up there with drink or class A. Its even worse in many respects.

As a compulsive gambler he will be addicted and very confused.

All you can do is learn about the addiction and try to make him see that he needs to reach out for professional help and counselling

Other than that its very difficult and I understand your pain.

However this is also about you as the non gambler and obviously you and your daughter need to be fully protected from it. A gambler that wont stop will take everyone on the roller coaster ride to ruin. As you have seen it splits relationships and can totally ruin people

Please ring gamcare as many times as you like. You may need some counselling even though you have done nothing wrong. Learning and counselling is strength and maybe he will realise he is losing the only good things in his life and seek proper help

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Just also found out that he came to see his brother that weekend on Sunday but hasn't called us. Also his family are probably saying well done for living alone as they don't understand and they believe what he said all the time that he's given up gambling. But only me who doesn't believe that's why probably he finds it easy to talk to his mum who gives him money for cigarettes of he doesn't have it. My opinion would be maybe she needs to be strickt with him too?

Hi,

The three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. Which must be so, you can't physically "make" him do or not do anything. You can directly control what you do but how can you control what he does?

This is why it's a fallacy to think that you can save him from himself. He's got a very powerful compulsion to gamble, all that matters to him is the next bet. Recovery is possible but only when he gets to a point when it's worse to gamble than not. That's for him to decide, he won't decide it whilst too comfortable, cushioned against the effects of his gambling by bailouts and misplaced sympathy. Hence the advice to let him experience the consequences. It's no good him bouncing in and out like a yo-yo; If you take him back when nothing's changed, then nothing's changed, apart from that he knows he can do what he likes.

Your choices are about what you tolerate but surely you deserve his love, attention and respect? Not to mention financial and general security for you and your daughter? Gambling is progressive, unchecked, it will get worse. The debts will increase, the roof over your head will be jeopardised.

The best advice is to get as much support and information as you can, so you know what you're dealing with, also to help you cope with the situation you're in. There's info on the Forum, also the GC helpline and counselling. I go to GamAnon and there are a lot of books, I like Hazelden publications available from on line retailers.

Finally, protect yourself financially. Don't take on debt for him, separate your finances, get the £2 statutory credit reports in your name and his from all three credit agencies. Only believe what you see in financial documents, regardless of protests or charm, don't trust him with money.

Look after you.

CW