Mentally beat

Hi Ryan... you already did the hero moment by coming on here and being truthful...? We are all good at lying to our family , loved ones and of course to ourselves... but to come on here and actually type in those words yourself takes guts... why? Because it’s the admission to yourself that you are not in agreement with your own thoughts and urges... and this in turn will dictate your future. So well done and welcome to the club... bless you, John Pops

Hi Johnpops,

I know I’m sick of these anxiety attacks and want to show them the door. Then there’s the part of me that has no faith , too much damage done !

I havent been here for a long time. I just see I have done 606 days gamble free. I was in the same boat. Even after I quit i was dwelling over the loses for some time. Time heals. Patience is very important and a new mind set of what really matters in lif. I had big existential crises. My gambling started when I got really depressed and anxious. After a breakup with a girfriend in that time that cheated on me and left me. I started questioning everything about myself all the negative things that happened in my life. With the thought am not good enough thats why she left me am stupid. Also she had said to someone I know that I am not a man enough, which has given me the feeling of not being man enough, short after even developed anxiety, irrational thoughts for some time etc etc. I wouldnt like to go too deep in the darkness as this is gambling addiction forum. But, thats how it started because I had nothing more important to do also had no interest and I became isolated.

Gambling made me steal from the company I worked in, made me lie  made me even feeling more ashamed of myself and stupid. I got caught while stealing. What a shame in front of the colleagues. It was dark.. Very dark. I was trying to find a light and I couldnt. But anyway I stopped because I came to realize at the end it wasnt about the money it was my life being miserable, filled with anger, fear, anxiety  shame. I had to work on that. I got to rock bottom. I was taking meds also for depression. Which I have quit now.

In the beginning was difficult, broke, lost the job... I found another job worked like 7 to 8 months saved some money and left the Uk. I never returned and have no plans to return not even for a visit as it wasnt my home country anyway.

What I want to say is that my life is better now I have married and have a child. I also have money I do not even think about gambling. I earn very well. 

Today I found a phone which was like 800 worth and I returned it to the person that lost the phone. This made me come back here, because I thought of the time when I gambled. I know I would have taken the sim off and sell it. But today I didnt do it. I became a lot more mature and understandable towards other people. I started appreciating only what I deserve with hard work. I want you all to know that you can reprogram your brain with hard work. And if you choose the direction wisely. It has cost me yes. Not the money which is really a lot. But also my mental health, my image. But I have recovered and who cares today what anyone thinks. I am who I am and I will stick to my truth. None is perfect and there is no worthy lesson that comes without a sacrifice. I hope my post gives someone strenght..