Hi.
i don’t know how I’ve found myself here. I’m 30, and before I met my ex, I was someone who, shamefully, really judged gamblers.
I’m autistic ADHD with pretty heavy complex trauma. I’m a woman who’s always been on a journey to herself. And the year before I met her, I worked myself up from basically homeless, abused & shattered, poor & jobless. 1 year on after a very abusive relationship, I met my now ex as of last week. Sorry, it’s a long story.
My ex watched gambler streamers. During a bad few months in my family life, where u was quite anti social, she showed me how to use gambling sites. We only bet the odd 20€… but keep in mind, I have a thick history of addiction. To practically anything I’ve had my hands on, which my ex knows. I was clean a long time from drug use & smoking. Not really drink alcohol and no longer to black out.
we are 8 months on, I’ve blown my entire 5000€ savings, I’ve lied to people and gambled about 6k of my parents, friends and peoples money. And I’m -1500€ into my overdraft. And last night, I got 1750€ to bail me out.
And I blew it all. I didn’t sleep. I’ve had multiple gambling apps and sites. I’ve put a stop on and turned it off and just done everything and anything. I lose days to it. Don’t sleep. It just happens and after I’m left in deep shock and so beyond angry and upset with myself.
My anxiety is through the roof. I’ve got NOTHING left. Just debt. I’ve had all sorts happen as I gambled. Cards blocked from suspect, had to replace my bank card after using it with a VPN. Like, it’s deep. Like so deep. Like with anything I ever got addicted to. Never half’s.
Ive never had a overdraft or a credit card but here I am, having applied for them all.
All I kept saying is if I can get 2k in my account to clear my overdraft I’ll stop. I’ve won’t that before. But it’s too late. If I’d don’t that the last time I won we wouldn’t be here.
ive deleted it all. Im signing up to gam stop and praying for a miracle on pay day, which there won’t be one. This will take a year or more to even safely be in a good balance. And I’ll never get those savings back.
i do think I’ve learned my lesson, but I said that yesterday and here we are. I’m grateful to anyone who reads this far. R x
Hello lola_rose
I am glad that you have reached out to us here on the Forum,
Thank you for trusting us and sharing your experience. It sounds like you have had some very challenging years leading up to your current difficulty with gambling. If you have not already it may be helpful to make an appointment with your doctor to refer you for some support around your anxiety and trauma. Some people do find that the gambling is a coping strategy for underlying issues but then the gambling itself becomes an additional stressor as you describe. That’s great to hear that you have already succeeded with recovery from your drug use, smoking and vastly reduced drinking of alcohol (for their own sake and also removing them as potential triggers for further gambling).
Well done for being so proactive as you have been with trying to put ‘stops’ on your gambling operator accounts. Depending on which country you are in there may be a self-exclusion scheme that can cover all gambling operator websites you can sign up for and/or you may be able to install a software blocker such as GamBan to block websites from outside of the UK. If you are in the UK at any time please do give our GamCare Helpline a call on 0808 8020 133 to speak to an Advisor. There is also an app that may be useful to download from www.gamblingtherapy.org It may be worth asking your bank if they do provide a gambling block or filter and think about if you have anyone you trust to help you restrict your access to money for a while before your next payday.
Wishing you hope through the peer support found here,
Louise,
Forum Admin
Hi, I can see many similar traits and problems in which I had and are facing. You’re not alone! Literally this morning after already losing £2300 I received my wage and gambled all of that away thinking I’d win it back. I was absolutely distraught, the feeling is horrible yes. BUT we now have to think forward so the first step for me was ensuring GAMSTOP and GAMBAN are in place so I cannot physically do any more damage and gamble any more. I’ve bought a notebook weekly planner to plan financially and also importantly things to keep me active and busy daily. I considered getting a loan however with 8 years experience of working in a bank (hard to believe with me gambling all of my money away) a zero % credit card is a better option for cash flow and I’ve set out a budget until next pay day which is in a months time for me where I can either pay it off in full or just pay off in chunks over the next few months. I’m trying to see it as a positive challenge, yes it is absolutely terrible but like I say we need to think moving forward and every step we take needs to be in that direction. Just think the only way is up from here. I’ve even set counter on my phone for how many days it’s been since I gambled starting today so it adds to the determination to beat this addiction. We can do this
@forum-admin Louise, thank you.
I finally managed to tell two people I trust as well, and although it hurt my pride, and I was so ashamed, telling the right people has helped. At least so I stop feeling like I can’t look anyone in the eye.
I thank you for replying, and I am going to stick to this forum, it’s a real safe space.
Thank you x
@rzln0dshoc thank you for replying.
I’m sorry, I know exactly what that feels like. But well done for the steps you’re taking.
i also have started to really look at what I feel when I get the urge to gamble. And I’ve got a PlayStation, I need to find a game that is addictive enough and free, to put my ADHD into.
I also don’t want to resort to a loan. I’d probably end up using it poorly. You’re doing the best stuff and the planning and budgeting will help.
I’ve felt so ashamed, but I’m slowly working through that too. 🤍
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