My first post

Hi!

I have been scouting these forums on and off for years, trying to deal with my gambling problem alone. I have come to a point where I need to share for me to move past my addiction.

I am 28 years old, and my gambling addiciton started with my first win on a slot machine when I was 14. Since then I have gambled ALOT - and more than I could afford. I currently have debt, which I will have to slowly pay back. Today I listened to a podcast where previous addicts and family members of addicts talked about how it affected their life - and one story really made me realize which path Im on my way down. A woman in her mid 30s spoke about how her husband had killed himself because of gambling, leaving her and two young children behind. I have not (yet) come to a point where I feel life is not worth living anymore, but I see clearly that if I follow down this dark path I might be in the risk of feeling it. 

It's not only the debt that affects me negatively - its "only money". What I've noticed is that I'm not focusing as I should at work and I'm pushing friends away. I also have recently met an amazing girl, and we love each other. Yesterday she told me she felt I was a little "off" - which was because I had gambled and was having the usual gamblers low. Thinking alot about it after she told me that, I realized that the gambling could in the future push her away from me - which is the last thing I want in the world.

This night I woke up in the middle of the night and could not sleep - I felt I soon needed to take a stand - will I continue to fall back to gambling if I feel sad, lonesly, bored etc - or will I find more healthy activites instead? 

I got up in the middle of the night, signed on my computer, and went through all the gambling sites I could remember I had registered on (theres so many .... ) and I made a standard email which I mailed to every single casino saying I wanted to close my account due to gambling addiciton. What I also did was to install "Gamban" (which ironically was tipped by a casino-site), and it actually works - its blocking all the casino sites on my phone and PC.

So now the real job starts! I have a decent job, so I will be able to deal with the debt, and I have family and friends and a girlfriend around me. I just need to take on day at a time. I also just started to go to therapy, due to having panic attacks - and Im sure the stress and anxiety around my losses and gambling has contributed to these intense attacks. I tell you guys, having a full blown panic attack in the middle of a client lunch at work is NO FUN. But - Im glad Im getting the help I need.  

There has been so many days Ive felt horrible about gambling, and it came to a point where winning didnt really mean anything - I would just keep going for the rush. 

So that was - probably very unorganized explained - my long but short story. 

If there's any tips for me out there I would greatly appriciate it  - there are so many strong souls on these forums and I would love to hear how you are handling the urges and the downs from stopping.

Thank you for reading.