My first post - Life can only get better

Hi to all

I have been thinking long and hard about posting on the forum since my 'breakdown' on 5th October 2016.

To cut a long story short.

Left the Forces in 2010 after 22 years service, and never, ever gambled prior to 2010.

6 months later went through a relationship breakdown.

Started to struggle with my financial commitments and was deeply affected by this inability to meet my financial responsibilities. (Pride etc...) Although I didn’t realise it at the time my mental state and physical wellbeing was on the slide and the only way was down. I asked the banks and card companies for help but was met with no help apart from borrow more to consolidate. I always kept my finances private from family and friends because I did not want them to see I was struggling, I saw this as a sign of weakness.

I was introduced to a gambling via a game of poker in a pub with friends. A friend then gave me a tip on horse that he owned and was running at Wincanton over xmas 2010. It won!!!!! (This was great; my financial problems can be solved by gambling) HOW WRONG I WAS

Already struggling with my non-gambling debts and my employment not bringing in the money required I found myself gambling more and more now via smart phone, internet etc.. I didn’t see it as a problem then and just viewed it as a means to try and solve my financial situation. I was hooked and did not even realise it, or more to the point I didn’t want to face the fact that I was becoming a CG.

I had become withdrawn from the regular things we all do in our day to day lives and was always thinking of my next bet or accumulator I could prepare for the forthcoming day (all the time increasing the stakes)

Fast forward to October 2014, I had gone off the grid and was avoiding debt management companies by moving from NO bill commitments lodgings. I had opened new bank accounts with no overdraft facilities and was gambling more than ever. Betting was my main focus and I used any money I could get to gamble. I had now branched out into the high street and was visiting all the bookies in the area to get my bets on, spreading them out between them all as not to arouse suspicion of my desperation and addiction. My family, friends and work all became obstacles that would get in the way of me gambling, this is not just a gambling addiction this is now affecting my ability to function physically and mentally.

I then met a young lady that sparked a light of hope and I said to myself that’s it I’m going to stop and get my life back, a future and a chance to be a man with a good woman! The next 12 months were great and I’m now in love and winning a few quid, and losing twice as much. However I’m living a lie, I haven’t told my partner I’m a CG, and to compound all my mounting debts and gambling I'm now making plans of a future with my partner. I have now moved into her property and do not want any of my correspondence arriving at her address (why not she thinks?) I want to shield her from my problems but all I’m doing is making thing worse, my mental state and gambling are a vortex and I’m feeling the self inflicted pressure day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Sleep is affected, constant manic thoughts and eventually I confess a little and admit that I have bank and CC debts amounting to £55K. She is so understanding and agrees that we can tackle it if I agree to save a little of my pension and wages to put by to offer the debt management companies in the future. I don’t do this but plough on with my gambling always just about managing to meet my financial commitments to her, keep, food etc.

In my desperate mind I make sense of my gambling by seeing it as a way to put all my problems right and give us the future I want us to have (I’m living in a dream world).

When I left my job in the forces I went into a family business owned by my brother in law. We had become friends long before he met my sister and we attended a youth organisation together and were very close. I became a director of the business and things were good initially until the business went through a difficult time. Taking the wage I required was becoming ever difficult as it was putting a strain on the business so I reduced the amount I paid myself by a considerable amount for the health of the business. On reflection this job was not doing me any favours mentally, I was under achieving and was capable of so much more, I felt trapped by my sense of loyalty to my family. I was spending ever increasing time in the office on my own with only a computer and smart phone to keep me company. In the space of 6 years I had gone from a leader of men to a CG with low self esteem and no self worth. I constantly had arguments with myself about my inability to move forward and my gambling addiction but always slipped back into the abyss of self pity and betting.

My family, partner and friends all had their suspicions about my gambling but I always deflected it with an excuse “what is wrong with a small flutter on a accumulator” it’s just like having a go on the lottery, I would say! Lies and deception were the name of the game and it’s shocking to think about what I would do to hide my addiction.

It had now become that much of a problem that I didn’t even recognise the reflection in the mirror. I was borrowing money of friends and family for the most random of reasons, £1400 here £1200 there “it’s just a short term loan” you’ll get it back in the next couple of weeks... I then stooped too my lowest point 8 weeks ago when I took money from the business to fuel my addiction...... I lost it obviously!! £2200

Over the years leading up to this point I have GOOGLED, depression, gambling addiction, debt management etc... I never managed to get more than a paragraph down before I went into denial and said to myself, f**k that I can sort this!

Well, on the 5^th October 2016, I went home before my partner got back from work and left a note to say I was struggling with a gambling addiction and was leaving to save her from my obvious self destruct. I was considering taking my own life and was a very sick individual that was infected with poison; I am at my lowest point and am not functioning.

I left on the train with no real plan or location in mind and a bag filled with the weirdest of clothing and a sleeping bag that was it! In my confused mind I was either going to take my own life or end up roughing it?

I was aware that I had left a wake of misery and worry with my note. My partner, family and friends would be suffering due to the circumstances I had created. This played on my mind and although I seriously considered ending my life I really didn’t want to die. I was struggling desperately with the enormity of the situation and was aware that I needed help.

Fortunately I had taken my phone which had been turned off. I turned on the phone at 0700 the next morning to be bombarded with texts, missed calls and voice messages from all my loved ones.

I called home, I went home, I confessed everything!

My partner and family are supporting me

I am not well, CG is an illness

HELP is out there

Face your demons, talk to someone (me if you like) it helps so much

GAMCARE had me in a programme very quickly

Under GP for depression

Handed over all my cash cards to my partner

Got rid of my smart phone

13 days since my last bet