My journey

Hi Everyone, 

My names Tyler and I am 25. I started gambling on and off at the age of 18, mainly small stake football accas. By the age of 20 I was loading up credit cards, gambling all day at work and having horrendous mood swings. 

Until I met my partner in April 2015, I was oblivious to my change in behaviour and my sheer focus on betting. I would create any excuse, convincing myself that I was good at it and the research I conducted made my football knowledge fantastic. Ultimately, I really enjoyed the accas at the weekend but found during the week I was betting to fill the time and then it just became routine. My partner, who has been an absolute rock for me, made me realise that this was a real addiction, but "how could a 20 year old lad have a gambling addiction" is what I used to say to myself. I ignored the mood swings and was completely oblivious to how much I was upsetting my partner and affecting my relationship. What makes it worse is that my partners dad is a gambling addict and has a destroyed marriage because of it, how incredibly selfish of me. One particular Friday morning (whilst working), I decided to start a £10-£1000 challenge, spent all day at work gambling on work computers, all day Saturday and all day Sunday researching and glued to my phone. 5pm on Sunday afternoon, at my partners Uni house celebrating a friends birthday, A 90+4 goal cost me £2300, all from that £10 (After the £1000 mark I was flying, decided to keep going to £2000, £1900 stake took me to £2300). I tried to convince myself that I had only lost £10, but I was devastated and I couldn't hide it. What made it worse was my emotional and distraught partner (not becuase of the money, she never cared for my winnings). 

At 20 I managed to stop, absolutely loved the attention of everyone supporting me at the start but that soon stopped and it just became an expectation that I should stop. I didn't want to burden or worry my partner when I was having a bad day but found other people would just say "Just don't gamble and it's fine?", so I decided to keep quiet. I found friends that would gamble for me whilst everyone, including my partner, thought I was on the straight and narrow. I lasted probably about 6 months and started gambling again on secret accounts, late at night or whilst at work again. I carried on doing this for about 18 months before I got caught again. I could sense my partner couldn't handle a life with a gambler, after witnessing first hand how it destroyed her family.I vowed to stop, used the winnings from my final bet to pay off my credit card and in fact did stick to my word for about a year. I felt good, no mood swings or time wasted, struggled with the boredom but began an Open University degree in Primary Education. Finally, I felt like a proper adult, not someone with baggage. After about 18 months of doing really well, I persuaded my partner that I felt confident I could just do the small stake accas that I really did enjoy. Within a month I had removed all deposit limits, taken money from my savings and was falling down a very slippy slope again. 

This time, it was me that brokedown. I had taken a large portion of my savings out, chasing a big loss. Ajax U18 at home to PSV U18, 13:00 on a Tuesday, 1-0 up and I was flying. 2-1 down and my head was spinning, I felt sick and had no idea what to do. A late goal won the game for Ajax U18 and I withdrew everything. I was ashamed, dissapointed and I felt absolutely hopeless. It was the first time I actually realised that I have no control over my gambling and it is a real problem in my life. An addiction, I had finally come to terms with me having an addiction. I explained everything to my partner and self-excluded all of my accounts. 

From that point until March 2020 (First national lockdown sort of time), I wasn't gambling, I felt like s**t, but I still wasn't gambling and I had began to start talking, not much, but still talking about my issues. The boredom of lockdown got to me and I started to gamble on whatever I could. Online casinos, anything virtual that was still taking place. As soon as the betting shops opened, I was constantly sneaking bets on, using friends to gamble, transferring money to my paypal so that my partner couldn't see the gambling on my bank statements (not that she ever checked them). I was getting away with it, enjoying it but starting to fall down the very slippery slope. One evening in August, I opened the internet on my phone to show my partner something... Bet 365 pops up, f**k, what do I do? She's going to leave me. MAde up some b******t that I was just checking football scores. I came home from work a few days after and just let it all out, everything. The bets I had done, what I had been doing, how I felt, the helplessness and boy did it feel amazing. 

Since that day, I am gamble free. I have decided to finally join somewhere where I can vent and talk to people that really do understand how I feel inside. Everyday is a battle in my head, the constant temptation to gamble and just feel the rush of winning again, it is so draining. I have a baby due in May and I am over the moon, so it is now more important than ever to keep on the straight and narrow for me. 

To anyone that reads this massive block of writing, thank you. It feels fantastic to express my story and finally discuss in public (despite online) my addiction. My apologies if it is all a bit jumbled, I rarely ever discuss my gambling past. 

Thanks again, 

Tyler