Hello everybody,
I had a quick glance through the other messages and it looks as if I am not the only one.
My story:
I am 53, female, working from home as a translator. I am earning quite well and working nonstop, but we are deep, deep in debt.
My dad was a gambling addict and before I came to England I was diagnosed with a s*x addiction and eating disorders. Ive been 16 weeks in a psychosomatic clinic with daily therapies and I was told that I have a control problem, hence the addictions. Allegedly I have to talk about my problems and take time out for myself.
After the clinic I changed my life completely and moved to England. All went well for a few years. I lived monogamous, didnt overeat, didnt binge ... smoking was my only vice and life was good.
Up until 2006 when I got ill. I had some operations and afterwards I had to take medications that made me fat. In a matter of a year I gained 30kgs ... and I felt horrible.
Around this time I translated an online gambling site and while I translated I started to try out the slots ... first only with 20 quit per day.
Over the time it increased. The kick was similar to the one I had when I had the s*x addiction and in hindsight I would say I did it for the kick, not for the money.
Anyway, it went a bit out of hand, especially because I didnt tell anybody about it. The more I lost, the more I worked, the more stressed I was - and when Im stressed I needed a kick, gambled and lost.
Approx. 2010 I realised that I gambled approx. 40K away and I had a breakdown and told my husband about it. He reacted brilliantly and we re-mortgaged the house and I promised not to gamble anymore.
Well, easier said than done. I was hooked by then. Some days I was good, sometimes I even managed it for a whole week - but then - Bang - and I gambled again.
I tried to self-exclude myself from all the casinos, but new ones pop up all the time.
Not long ago I had my worst day. With 500 quit I made it until 13K - and I lost it all - in one night. That was the worst night so far.
I couldnt tell my hubby, I am really frightened that this would be the last straw. Family and friends all know that I am an addict, but everybody thinks I stopped after the last re-mortgage.
There is only one friend who knows that I am still hooked. He tries to help, and he installed one of this programs on my computer (but there arent such programs for iPads).
I consider myself as a strong person and I tried to help myself - but this addiction is just too evil - much worse than smoking, bulimia or s*x addiction. I cant get rid off it.
Sometimes I feel as if I have two people in my head. The “normal” me and one “suicide-bomber”. The “normal me” knows that I cant continue anymore because we would lose our house and I might even lose my marriage. Self-respect is long gone. The suicide-bomber in my head on the other hand pushes me further and further. In 2006 I wagered with 45p per go, nowadays its between 40 and 100 a go. The higher the wager, the better the kick.
You probably know the feeling after these sessions yourself. When the money is gone and the credit cards are empty you are sitting in front of the computer, heart pounding, breathless - and all you want is to crawl into a dark corner and stop your thoughts forever.
Im fed up with it - gambling is not only affecting my health, my mind and my finances … it changed me as a person. I used to be so outgoing in the past, but nowadays I am such a grumpy old bag and extremely aggressive. I hardly sleep, because I have to work so much to get by - the more I gamble the more I have to work.
I came here today to find people who understand this horrible illness that changes people and lures us into loneliness and bankruptcy.
Good luck to all of us!
Hi
I can relate so much to your post. I am 59, female and have been a gambler for 10 years, losing over 30k. Like you, it was the slots and not just the money but the kicks also. Although near the end it was chasing losses just so I could eat and pay the rent. The feelings you describe are so familiar, the two people in your head etc. It would be a relief when the money ran out and I could stop gambling...until the next payday. I would go to bed hoping I wouldn't wake up but when I did awake the whole reality of the night (and indeed the early hours of the morning) before would hit me like an avalanche. I didn't like the person I had become and suffer from low self-esteem. What came first I wonder? The gambling or the low self-esteem? I was definitely feeling totally worthless. I had stopped on various occasions when a block was put on my PC then my laptop. But, as you have found out, I could not find anything to block the ipad. I then reluctantly gave the ipad to my grandson who is so thrilled it was worth it.
I am now on day 41 and, although money is really tight with paying back all the loans, I am beginning to feel like my old self again. I don't want to gamble, I want to live a normal life again and actually be able to look in the mirror and like myself.
Sorry for rambling but your story is so similar to mine.
I have joined the Challenge 2014 (see Overcoming problem gambling section) and this is helping so much. I don't want to let the other soldiers down, my family down but most of all I don't want to let myself down. The support from this site is awesome. I thought I was alone but not any more.
"Feelings are much like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which ones to surf."
Good luck to you on your journey.
Elfie
Thanks for your reply, Elfie. It really touched me.
Up until yesterday I really thought Im the only one.
Sometimes I even thought I might be schizophrenic or similar.
Some nights - when I didnt have money for food or bills left, I approached the casinos with a clear head. Its so easy to make 500 out of 50, because one sees (feels) when the slots are on the winning streak. Each time I thought I just make a few hundred to get by, withdraw the money and thats it ...... but after a few clicks the trance set in and I couldnt stop. As if another person took charge over my head. The "clear head" knew that after a winning streak comes a lean streak where I loose it all - but I couldnt stop and clicked the mouse like a woman possessed until all the money (including initial deposit) was spent.
In my case the low self esteem/stress came first. Through thyroid hormones I put on lots of weight and at the same time we had stressful times. Mum in law had Alzheimers, we had a new foster son who was quite challenging and hubby and I were stressed out and didnt have time for each other as before. Hubby couldnt cope with his mums illness and got depressed for a while. But that was just a phase.
Mum in law has died a few years ago, foster son turned out wonderful and I my thyroid is removed (I have Graves disease) and I dont have to take the hormones that made me fat anymore.
Would I have chosen sport or knitting as a stress relief all these years before, life could be so great now.
But choose gambling - and life is cr**. Not just for me, but for everybody around me as well. I am such a horrible old bag nowadays. We have a good income, but so many debts and I feel so bad that it is all because of me and my weakness.
41 days, Elfie - that is brillant!
I will look up the Challenge 2014.
Good luck to you, too!
Oh my god this is just like me. I too have lost thousands to gambling. I feel like two people. I'm on day three . I have never felt so supported like i do here. You think you are alone in this dark world but there's so so many people out there in exactly the same boat. Keep strong. Xx
Hello Tschotschi,
Welcome to the forum and well done on starting a Recovery Diary.
You’ve mentioned using an iPad; some forum members have used parental control software like NetNanny on their Mac, as a way to prevent access to gambling sites; you might like to check what iTunes recommend for your iPad. Forum users have also sometimes posted about asking their internet provider to apply parental controls to their internet access. Other forum members have said that they’ve changed their bank account to a basic cash card that doesn’t allow online spending.
If you like you can call the GamCare Freephone 0808 8020 133 for more support for your recovery. Depending on the caller’s needs, GamCare advisers will be able to signpost to various services like the NHS National Problem Gambling Clinic, or the National Debtline 0808 808 4000. The GamCare advisers can also facilitate referrals to GamCare’s free specialist counselling appointment services that are available face-to-face or online, if you’d like to apply for confidential 1-2-1 therapy sessions.
Take care,
Adam.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
