Hi all,
This is my first time here, I’ve been aware of GamCare for a while and they’ve been helping me but I’ve not actually posted in any kind of community related to gambling before.
So, I’ve always gambled casually since I legally could but even before then I guess you could say I had an interest in it. As a kid my gran would get me to pick lottery numbers and horses for her and then she would go to the bookies or newsagent to get the racing result or winning numbers whilst I waited at home and the whole thing felt kind of exciting that we could win something so easily. I don’t say this to blame her in any way, I enjoyed it and we bonded through it but those are my early memories of the thrill of gambling.
When I could legally gamble online I did and since then, so for about 9 years, I’ve gambled on/off and have had more compulsive periods before where I’ve gambled more for brief periods and lost some money then cooled it off. However, this year it has really become problematic to the point where yesterday I self-excluded after losing pretty much everything following some big wins, so lost about £2500 in total. This was about 80% money I won not savings as I don’t have any and am currently unemployed and looking for work however it still feels like a huge blow.
My games of choice and I hope it’s okay to say these for context and I don’t want to trigger anyone but they were live dealer roulette and Monopoly Live, the latter I became obsessed with the chance to win bigger and bigger multipliers after having a lucky streak. It’s basically like the boardgame Monopoly (needless to say) but with a host spinning a wheel and you bet money on a multitude of segments and win if the segment it lands on matches your chosen one.
I’m so annoyed with myself that instead of just thinking of myself as lucky to have made a few thousand gambling and withdrawing it I couldn’t stop and the winning only led to gambling higher amounts to try and get even higher multipliers/returns and the associated ‘buzz’ from doing so. I have stopped now as I have nothing in my account and have self-excluded anyway and have Gamban installed but the urge is still there and I still think I could win my money back and have another lucky streak if I went back, as delusional as that sounds. In theory I could win it back but then undoubtedly would lose everything again and again. I think in a way, as weird as it sounds, I needed to totally empty my bank account to stop, the choice needed to be taken out of my hands.
I’ve had a tough year (like most, I realise) after losing a pet meant the world to me and obviously being out of work and having some health issues which I think led to an escalation in the gambling as it was the only thing I had to focus on and make me feel good. Now it's gone I do know deep down it’s probably for the best but I’m really struggling with what to replace it with and how I will cope with the void in my life now gambling has gone.
I appreciate I’m ‘lucky’ compared to many problem gamblers who have had to deal with this addiction for longer, decades even, and lost everything and had more to lose than me but I still feel bereft by losing the money and my main hobby. I’m angry at the gambling companies/gaming software companies who created these addictive games but I’m also sad that I’ve had to say goodbye, as paradoxical as that is. I feel a degree of envy/jealous towards those who are still gambling and maybe are luckier than me at it or it's not problematic for them whereas I won't be able to go back again without another downward spiral.
Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Do the urges lessen with time? Thanks in advance to anyone reading/replying and apologies for the long post, I will always use 100 words when I can use 10 unfortunately!
Hi there,
Your post is describing exactly I felt when decided to stop gambling almost 3months ago!!
That was my only pleasure in life,my escape from reality.I was counting hours and minutes till my daily deposit limits renew so I can play again...I wasted 11years of my life focusing all my energy on gambling...very sad.
I completely understand the way you think about coming back and “maybe win BIG this time”.But gambling is a progressive illness, so as you noticed not only you were loosing what you won,but the stakes were higher as well.
This is how I was behaving as well.And I said to myself what’s the point?
Please read this forum,speak to advisor if you feel like,write your journey...and maybe treat yourself with something small and nice after a week or month Gambling free.I buy myself something to realize that money have the value(I completely ignored that for so long)
The urges will lessen trust me.
All the best?
It's a vicious circle. Winning becomes less if a thrill. Losing makes you feel lower and lower.
And who cares if you win your money back? It'll only be lost again so it makes it all pointless and it'll naked you feel worse. Gambling is fine until the money is gone and you feel sick with yourself for being so stupid. It's better to be strong and not gamble again and beat that illness rather than taking the easy way out and winning your money back. Just to lose it again.
@londonlady I appreciate the use of 100 words instead of 10, so well done on that.
More importantly, can you tell me what you thought was going to happen? I'm referring to your post title.
I'm happy to offer some advice but I thought I'd see what you are hoping to get out of this process first.
Thanks,
Chris.
Hi Mia,
Apologies for the delay in responding but thank you so much for your reply and sharing your story. I've spent the last few days mostly sleeping and feeling quite sorry for myself to be honest but now trying to pull myself together and focus on ways to improve my life like applying for more jobs, staying healthy and staying away from gambling which is just a means of self-destruction ultimately.
Well done for getting to the 3-month milestone, do you mind if I ask how things have changed for you 3 months down the line, as obviously I'm even earlier in my journey to life post-gambling?
Hi,
You're totally right, I was saying to one of the GamCare advisors that winning and losing started to feel the same. Obviously losing feels inherently worse but winning was no longer a cause for celebration, just a 'meh' feeling as ultimately gambling isn't really about the money, which I've only recently realised.
Hi Chris,
Thank you for your reply.
Honestly I'm not sure what I expected as for me the whole culmination of my addiction to gambling and losing that amount of money feels to have happened so quickly that I guess I'm still in shock and processing it. I guess I didn't even think about stopping until I self-excluded and lost pretty much everything in my account so I never considered what stopping would be like until I absolutely had to.
Now I'm a few days on from my earlier post and losing what was a life-changing amount of money to me (even though I clearly had no respect for its value mid-gambling binge) I'm still struggling with not gambling but to a slightly lesser extent as I'm actively trying to focus on other things but it feels a bit fake to me, like I'm only focusing on other things because I've got no money left to gamble. I don't know if you can relate to this feeling at all and I know you've been gambling-free for several years as I saw on your profile (and well done for that, that's no easy feat) but I keep worrying that things I used to be interested in before the gambling took hold aren't genuine interests anymore and are just a second best to gambling. Do you learn to love your old interests and hobbies again or does gambling always feel like how you wish you were spending your time?
@londonlady I have felt how you felt, everything gone, no money left, I'm gonna stop, but I didn't do anything else and as soon as I had more money I went straight back out and gambled again. The thing is I had a great capacity for believing it would be different this time. I forgot about the pain I caused myself and just found relief in gambling. It went on for weeks, months and years. Every now and again I would stop by going to GA but I would stop going, thinking I was better, and sooner or later I went back gambling.
The trouble is the addiction is progressive in its nature. It gets worse. I gambled more, did badder things, lost everything and started again. And again, and again.
To put some context to it for you, I am 51, been gambling for about 44 of those years and been in and out of GA for about 33 years. From May 2015 until Nov 2017 I was clean but something happened, I stopped going to GA and went back gambling. Lost everything again and thought to myself that I can't keep doing this. I needed to do something different, so went back to GA but worked a twelve step recovery program. It saved my life. Yes, I have been 3 years off a bet but also with a clean mind. I put a lot of work into these last three years or so. I attended Ga twice a week at least, if not more. I worked the steps and changed my character. It's not easy but it is worth it. The main difference now, other than the steps, is awareness. I used to believe that I had gambling beat and I wouldn't do it again, but I did.
Now I know I could gamble again but i work hard not to. I accept that gambling as me beat, and if I place one bet i'm lost to it, so I work really hard not to place that first bet. No raffle tickets, no lottery once a week, not even flipping a coin for heads or tails.
Everyone is looking for the magic pill but for me the answer is wanting it, hard work, and never forgetting.
As far as life after gambling is concerned it's not just filling time but actually getting back your life. Like all things, it takes time and initially it's good to fill your time but eventually you get back to getting comfortable with yourself. Just take things one day at a time.
Chris.
Chris.
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