I meant to post this here last night, but by mistake put it into recovery diaries. Today is the start of day 1.
I don't know how many times I have said this, but today represents the next new start...
I have flirted with gambling for the last 9 years - started small and building up in recent years to stupidly large amounts.
I would describe myself as a binge gambler - I can stay off a bet for a few weeks, maybe a month or two, at which point I forget how easily I lost last time round and start again for what typically is an intense few weeks. Part of my problem is I can never accept my losses - even when not gambling, my mind is constantly tormenting me about the amounts I have previously lost.
The quick solution I always turn to is an online casino - where the money doesn't seem real, the results are quick and in a short space of time you can win significant amounts of money. However, I can never ever end a session without winning - each time I play I always have to be up. Of course, within the binge there comes a point where you din't win so you place bigger and bigger bets to recoup the losses and at one point, inevitably, the whole lot goes and then of course you deposit some more and that goes too - we all know the gig.
Thereafter, typically, I have several weeks of remorse and desire to turn the clock back. Financially, it clearly has a negative impact, and whilst I've lost tens of thousands over the years, I've been fortunate enough to keep things reasonably stable - bills paid etc.
However, emotionally, the impact it is having on me is significant - I am insular, easily aggravated, easily frustrated, find it hard to build friendships, very self conscious of what I look like and what people think about me.
Deep down I feel I can *** this - indeed I've had 12 months (ended June this year) where I didn't do any gambling - I need to rebuild that inertia and control the things which made me gamble that day back in June (which in that case was a loss on stocks and shares - something else I can't do).
The thing that pulls me back and where I need help, is that regardless of time, I can never shake the remorse of the amount of money I've lost from the last session. Particularly when in nearly all cases I have "been up" enough to cover most of the previous lost - but then it's never enough.
Any advice + help people can give would be much appreciated. In particular I have considered hypnotherapy, as I think that may help some of the remorse / guilt feelings I have - does anyone have any experience of this ?
Thanks for your help.
Hi , cactus , everyone feels the remorse of losing money , you panic and think you can win it back , but it never happens and you get in worst trouble , you will get to day 2 then 3 and so on , you can beat this ..christine
Hi I can relate to what your saying im 2 months into not gambling after gambling for 5 years. I had to come on here as I had strong urges to play online roulette these urges have gone now since I read some posts on here. The hard part is letting the money go what I have lost 1000s. Like you its killing me I want to play to get it back but I know if I do this I will loose even more. If you stop you wont loose any more money after all we all know there is only one winner and its the casinos. I don't want to go back to feeling sick and depressed at the money I have lost every day is a battle not to gamble its hard but we have to be strong or it will destroy us in the end. I even logged on to my casino account before I came on here but thought better of it im so glad I did. Try to be strong you can do this but it takes time.
Hi Ladynoluck - thanks for your note.
Sounds like your vice is perhaps similar to mine - online casinos. The speed with which we can loose money scares me, no concept of it being real because we're not handing it over.
One thing in your post really resonates with me - if I don't gamble I will never loose money again and won't have that sinking and emotionally draining feeling.
It sounds like you have made some positive steps forward by not gambling for 2 months. Perhaps you should consider self excluding yourself from all the gambling sites you've used - make it harder to access?
I've resigned myself to a life of no credit cards and am making arrangements to get my wages paid into our joint account so my wife can see what I'm doing - necessary steps as I need to have accountability.
Stay strong my friend.
Hi Cactus,
I'm addicted to online slots and it's the same for me as regards the "illusion" that it's not real cash as you don't have it in your hand. I got paid yesterday and in one afternoon I spent 360 quid. All my billls for the month are paid, the freezer and cupboards are full but it won't last a month til my next pay day! This morning, after pacing the floor, crying & shouting, I had to admit this to my 22 yr old daughter and the shame was unbearable. She is at University and her income is limited but why should she be put in the position of supporting her mother's bad habit? Today is DAY 1, I am going to close my online accounts today and next month spend money where it should be spent, on my home and my family. This terrible addiction has put me in debt, driven me to lie to my family and friends and put my self esteem at an all time low. I'm just miserable and don't want to feel this way anymore. I wish you and all of us here the very bext of luck and a brighter future!
x
A very powerful story cactus and one that really strikes a cord with me. I could of written it myself. The feelings and emotions you describe are exactly what I go through. If you don't mind me asking, how did you break this to your other half? I need to but the, what I can only describe as blind fear, is stopping me. I know I need to and I know that the method you describe about the joint account is the way I want / need to go but jez it's so hard to look her in the eye.
I've been here before with her many many years ago and promised that I'd never go back but I have. I need to stop now before I go into debt for this. I, like you, have managed to 'hide' this addition through always making sure I have money for bills, social life and the good things in life, I've just blown my personal savings on FOBT's.
Sorry to go on a bit on your thread but as I said before my story is very similar to yours. I truly hope you succeed and wish you good luck. Keep posting, maybe we can use each other's experience to crack this once and for all ?
Newey
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