So here i am again, ws 9 weeks free on Friday, but the last week really was incredibly hard!!
Weekend before last was my son's 1st birthday, so me, "the estranged" wife and our 3 beautiful children all went out for the day. It was absolutely incredible. I had such a fantastic time, and we all got on like a house on fire and exactly how I imagine "normal" families live.
So after the euphoria of that, then I was all alone again. No children to play with, no wife to talk to and try and find some glimmers of hope from, just me and my thoughts.
It's the silence I find is the hardest bit. My brain doesn't tell me to go and have a bet (which I find really weird!!), it's just constantly beating me up for that c*** that I was for gambling.
I know I have to do this for any chance of a relationship with my children, but I just cannot forgive myself for the pain I have caused them and everything I have taken away from them all. My youngest son will never know what it is like to have a dad living with him! How horrible is that?? I took that away from him. ME. His own dad who loves him more than anything else in the world.
This illness/addiction really is the absolute pits.
So once again, to my wife, my children and anyone else I have hurt, I am sorry.
I just pray that one day I can find happiness again, because I don't want to be where I am anymore.
Hello Plum79
Welcome to the forum congratulations on your 9 weeks free away from gambling. Your day with your family sounds really positive. I am sorry to hear you that in the silence your having thoughts that are negative towards yourself.
There is other support you can get through gamcare that you may find helpful. There is counselling available free and there are services across the Uk if you would like counselling sessions locally please call the helpline on 0808 8020 133 and an advisor can help you with this option you can also speak with an advisor on the net line http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/frontline-services/netline
Keep posting we are here to support you.
Kind Regards
Forum admin
Hi Plum... I struggle with the self-loathing really bad... I can go for a few days or weeks where I'm ok but then it hits me from nowhere and I'm down for another couple of days. It is a bad trait as it gets into a vicious circle. Try your very best to say or post something positive every day. Make the most of small things. I hope that gradually we both can get that mindset shift into a better place. Good luck sir.
There's a realistic balance between beating yourself up to excess at one extreme and being arrogantly blasГ© at the other. It's about finding the balance, regret but hopefully also the knowledge that you're trying your best now.
The nine weeks is a good start, don't underestimate it. But it's a start, recovery is long term, ODAAT, it takes long term changes and effort to bring about long term results. You can't turn the clock back but if you're really there for your children now (you won't have been whilst active), they can depend on you now and you're doing the best you can for them now, that's more important than your full time physical presence in the house. Overcoming addiction and turning your life round, being the best you can be is the best example for your kids.
I think the Twelve Steps are spot on in the way that they address guilt. Otherwise try GC counselling but whatever you do, stick with recovery and subject to life's ups and downs things will get better.
Wish you well,
CW
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