Hi, thanks in advance for looking at this, if you could please read this essay and help me I would be very grateful.
I dont know what im looking for, constructive critism ? advice ? solutions that have worked for you ?
So here goes, I'm 27, I've gambled since 18, gradually increasing stakes over time, probably heavier year on year up to now - a peak of staking my months wages at Ascot without much hesitation at all.
I been with my partner almost 5 years, got engaged 2 years ago. I love her so much, she's the only girl for me. On engagement I had the full intention to save for a house and a wedding, and still do.
Obviously month on month Ive made out I've been saving steadily. Reality its been up and down like a yoyo, after a win I would have a lot more than I should have, two months later I'd have a lot less than I should have, then a few months go by I earn a few decent wage cheques and avoid any betting disasters and I refill the isa to what it should be, phew !, the next month back to square one. Over the past 2 years miraculously Ive always had what was an ok and normal amount in her eyes each time she has asked. why cant I just be normal and not gamble ?!? My problem is that I'm a secret gambler, I lose my money and then suffer alone and stress to cover it up, its a stupid buzz I guess, the fact I'm a hard working, sensible person to everyone that knows me, yet I make my life a million times harder than it should be by gambling. Its a disease that I cant shake off. Its like I need the challenge of making everything more difficult than it should be. How hard can it be to go to work for a month, have a few odd treats, a meal out, a day at a theme park, then at the end of the month have half your wages left to save ? No far too hard, how about gamble on football, horses and greyhounds and struggle to pay the bills..
Now it has caught up with me. My partner has said how we have lost the 'spark' and become more friends than partners. She said she needs time to be on her own. We are on a 'break'. and she loves me doesnt feel in love ! ok this is a gambling forum not a love site I appreciate that but this may be a direct result of it. I've obviously come across un-interested and closed up, when all I want to be is open and live happily ever with her.
I have gained 3 stone in weight over the past two years, probably after each crippling loss I turn to sugary foods to ease the pain. I am totally gutted, I keep getting ill or injured all the time !! no doubt down to stress and bad eating.
To summarise I have no partner, no healthy body, not as much money as I should have, stuck at home with my parents who are also thinking how the hell hasnt he saved enough money to move out, my best friends have all moved on - married and houses, which makes me feel like a complete failure. I feel like ive wasted my whole life and will have to live with this regret for the rest of my life and Ill never be happy ever again because of it. I dont feel suicidal but I am at rock bottom. I just want to get gambling out my system and try and rebuild a life, hopefully with the love of my life and my family but I cant see how they can forgive me for this.
Thanks for getting this far down, I look forward to your reply !!
Hi Andrew... thanks for your post and your honesty. It's a tough one as you know you've done wrong and you know what to do to correct it but there's no instant fix and it will take time. I can relate to a few of the things you say. My health detoriated rapidly when I started gambling big - I would not just point to poor diet, I would point to poor motivation and hours upon hours sat watching sporting events / sneeking around to place bets / making excuses / travelling in and out of bookies etc. There is no 'get up and go' in a compulsive gambler. Every day has a grey cloud in full bloom or at least lurking behind the sun and waiting to pop out again when the loss wipes out all the profit. To turn this situation around you need to quit gambling. I would always say honesty is the best policy but if you tell you girlfriend the issues it's difficult to gauge how she'll react. I'm as guilty as the next person as dedicating too much time to gambling than to my mrs. And that terrifies me. You've had the wake up call but what are you planning on doing next? Consider joining my 214 day challenge and I'll help you get to the end of the year gambler free and I promise that if you stick with it you'll be in a much better place. At the very least you'll hear some more about my own challenges.
I've been in the exact same situation, im almost 27 and have been gamble free for around 6 months after racking up debts of around 14k, ive paid those off after saving my wages and coming into abit of money (not through gambling!) and from experience the only way you will begin to stop is by coming clean with your girlfriend, apologise explain why you've been different, it seems like the wrong thing to do at first but your only painting ofverthe cracks, you need to level with her. I met my girlfriend and told her everything around 18months ago, not knowing if she'de stay with me, she did and i knew i couldnt let her down again, i payed the debts off, worked hard and saved. Now we have just bought our first home, another huge thing for me was finding a hobby, something i enjoy doing, and something that sounds like could benefit you, i got into the gym, changed my eating habits, worked out. I got into it so much all i wanted to do when i got home was watch you tube vids of fitness and prep meals for the following day, it really did take my mind off gambling. It seems like your walking a tightrope, and you will only slip and fall unless you take action now, tell her, express your feelings instead of just keeping everything bottled up and giving her the cold shoulder after you've lost, and find something you enjoy to take your mind off it, for some inspiration and something to watch please check this guy out, hes really helped me become a better person and take control.
Hi Change, thanks a lot for your reply. Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling 🙁 . Your right it could go bad might be best to follow it though. What to do next ? certaintly I'd like to join your challenge please. My inital plan is to have the whole of June and July gamble free and spend next to nothing on needless expenses, IF I can do that, I would earn enough to be back on 'par'. I have one ray of hope with the partner. In 50 odd days time I had booked a 3 night trip away for her birthday. she said whatever happens during this break she would like to go as friends. I got 50 days to shift a stone and get myself in a positive and attractive state....
Please can I ask why/how did you decide to stop one day, then successfully go on this run of 122 days ? Congratulations, Id love to be in the same position in 122 days time, tips would be very handy, thanks again.
Hi Change, thanks a lot for your reply. Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling 🙁 . Your right it could go bad might be best to follow it though. What to do next ? certaintly I'd like to join your challenge please. My inital plan is to have the whole of June and July gamble free and spend next to nothing on needless expenses, IF I can do that, I would earn enough to be back on 'par'. I have one ray of hope with the partner. In 50 odd days time I had booked a 3 night trip away for her birthday. she said whatever happens during this break she would like to go as friends. I got 50 days to shift a stone and get myself in a positive and attractive state....
Please can I ask why/how did you decide to stop one day, then successfully go on this run of 122 days ? Congratulations, Id love to be in the same position in 122 days time, tips would be very handy, thanks again.
Hi Change, thanks a lot for your reply. Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling 🙁 . Your right it could go bad might be best to follow it though. What to do next ? certaintly I'd like to join your challenge please. My inital plan is to have the whole of June and July gamble free and spend next to nothing on needless expenses, IF I can do that, I would earn enough to be back on 'par'. I have one ray of hope with the partner. In 50 odd days time I had booked a 3 night trip away for her birthday. she said whatever happens during this break she would like to go as friends. I got 50 days to shift a stone and get myself in a positive and attractive state....
Please can I ask why/how did you decide to stop one day, then successfully go on this run of 122 days ? Congratulations, Id love to be in the same position in 122 days time, tips would be very handy, thanks again.
Hi Change, thanks a lot for your reply. Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling 🙁 . Your right it could go bad might be best to follow it though. What to do next ? certaintly I'd like to join your challenge please. My inital plan is to have the whole of June and July gamble free and spend next to nothing on needless expenses, IF I can do that, I would earn enough to be back on 'par'. I have one ray of hope with the partner. In 50 odd days time I had booked a 3 night trip away for her birthday. she said whatever happens during this break she would like to go as friends. I got 50 days to shift a stone and get myself in a positive and attractive state....
Please can I ask why/how did you decide to stop one day, then successfully go on this run of 122 days ? Congratulations, Id love to be in the same position in 122 days time, tips would be very handy, thanks again.
Hi Change, thanks a lot for your reply. Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling 🙁 . Your right it could go bad might be best to follow it though. What to do next ? certaintly I'd like to join your challenge please. My inital plan is to have the whole of June and July gamble free and spend next to nothing on needless expenses, IF I can do that, I would earn enough to be back on 'par'. I have one ray of hope with the partner. In 50 odd days time I had booked a 3 night trip away for her birthday. she said whatever happens during this break she would like to go as friends. I got 50 days to shift a stone and get myself in a positive and attractive state....
Please can I ask why/how did you decide to stop one day, then successfully go on this run of 122 days ? Congratulations, Id love to be in the same position in 122 days time, tips would be very handy, thanks again.
Hi Change, thanks a lot for your reply. Yes I always go with honesty is the best policy too, in every single situation apart from gambling 🙁 . Your right it could go bad might be best to follow it though. What to do next ? certaintly I'd like to join your challenge please. My inital plan is to have the whole of June and July gamble free and spend next to nothing on needless expenses, IF I can do that, I would earn enough to be back on 'par'. I have one ray of hope with the partner. In 50 odd days time I had booked a 3 night trip away for her birthday. she said whatever happens during this break she would like to go as friends. I got 50 days to shift a stone and get myself in a positive and attractive state....
Please can I ask why/how did you decide to stop one day, then successfully go on this run of 122 days ? Congratulations, Id love to be in the same position in 122 days time, tips would be very handy, thanks again.
no idea how thats posted so many times, sorry ! and it wont let me delete them !
Hi Dontchase, thanks for your post. That does make total sense. I know its the right thing to do but so scared she will just hate me and never speak to me again. Congrats on your recovery thats awesome. I have a gym membership and people I can go with so I just need to catch the bug and get addicted to that instead. Thanks ill check out the page.
Hi Andrew... I wrote a really long post and had to delete it as it was a rambling mess that wouldn't help you so I'm having a second go. I started this process in January 2015 so even the worst mathematician will realise that isn't 122 days ago. I have relapsed more times then you can imagine and that is due to weakness and lack of barriers.
Why January 2015? Well I'd been gambling large sums for a long time with no will to stop as I was chasing losses that were constantly mounting. I think after football festive period, darts world champ and the aussie open in tennis I was in a bad spot and it just dawned on me that there was a point of no return. I could only get out of this mess by stopping and accepting defeat or I'd lose everything. I text my wife on the train home and said I would be late as I'd be going gamblers anonymous that evening. She was shocked because I hide it all so well. I never missed a bill, or missed a birthday or anything like that. I was a fully functioning compulsive gambler.
Success run is down to putting in place measures that prevent me from gambling - self exclusion, limiting cash withdrawals, new hobbies, stopping myself from reading sport, stopping watching sport etc. Every day is hard. I have only dealt with the gambling aspect in those 122 latest days. The thing I have failed to deal with and which will creep up on me again is that I have not dealt with why I gambled and until I get there I'm not in any way, shape or form remotely close to being cured. There is something aside from money and creep that cause us to gamble. I don't know what it is for me but I think it may be arrogance... a leaving that I cannot lose and I can beat the bookies and I need to correct that trait in me.
I'm not sure how helpful this is as it's early days for you. I think at this stage you just need to have some practical steps and some realistic goals. 50 days no gambling. 1 week no checking bbc sport pages. Self exclusion and permanent closure of all accounts. Not carrying debit cards / credit card around with you during the day etc.
Hi Change, really appreciate the time and effort you've given me, the most initial help is that it's nice to know I'm not alone, I also have had a few attempts and relapses, and also now stopping at point of no return, i also am a fully functional compulsive gambler, I've never missed a bill payment, never avoid a meet up with mates always allocate the money, but just lose every other penny. I love sport and what is in my head is Derby and Royal Ascot horse meetings, Wimbledon and euro 2016 footy, and how I will have to get through those urges. In the back of my mind the demons are saying just one more multiple bet on the horses and I could get the big one then that's travel money for my trip and a healthy bank balance, but I know quitting and ignoring these future events is the only answer. I'm going to try and do exercise in my spare time as I think I have a extremely tired mind after stress gambling etc but not a tired body so that's causing the clash and endless thinking. I'm on my mobile right now but in the morning I'll check out all your posts and challenges and get involved, day 1 begins and I'm determined, thanks again mate !
Andrew
I am a parent of someone in your position so your story is very familiar to me. The very worst side of gambling or any addiction, is the secrecy and once you start to share your problem with others the secrecy subsides to a certain extent and immediately makes it more difficult for you to gamble. You have already started getting rid of the secrecy by coming on here and I see already you have a lot of support from this site. If you are still with your parents it is probably a good time now to open up to them or any other close family member or friend. They may be initially shocked so give them time to take it all in. When you hit rock bottom is when you need some practical help as well as emotional so stress that to them. You need practical help so that you do not get yourself into a dire financial mess in the future. That means getting someone you trust to monitor your finances and help control your monthly spending. I know this sounds a drastic measure but I have proved it does help. I think you know all the steps you need to make and I know it sounds boring and you probably think I sound like a fuddy-duddy parent nagging - like parents do!! - but I am a great believer in writing down lists of things that need to be done and ticking them off when they have been achieved - and it helps you clear your head and feel more organised. Just like you writing on here, I expect your head feels clearer already. I think the fitness route is a great idea and will keep you busy and get you healthy again. There are are a few things to put on your list like:
self-excluding from sites- make a monthly budget spreadsheet to help control your spending-start a diary on here or at home to count the days you have not gambled - hopefully make today Day 1-speak to a counsellor on here you will give you more professional support about counselling etc - google your local gyms, swimming pools, running groups/cycling etc. - great way of making new groups of friends.
Andrew, you sound like a nice young person who can have a bright future if you can beat this problem. The advice I have given you has worked for us so far and our temporary lodger has now gone and is independent and happy again. We are hoping it stays that way.
Keep talking to the kind people who have written on here before me.
Good luck
Morning Andrew.
I'm in the tell all camp as hard as it is to do it was the most important thing in my recovery. Not going to lie I didn't get the girl after telling all but as much as I love her not point building a relationship on a lie and be keeping all this to yourself that's what you are doing same with your parents yea they will be upset and angry but that will pass and imagine how they will feel when they find out you have been struggling and they have not been there to pick you up.
Mad has been said below get the blocks in place SE from bookies and online accounts, get someone to to look after your finances if possible you don't want to be doing a months wage in one bet again. Call Gamcare they will offer you good advice and might be able to offer you counselling. Also look at GA made a huge difference to me and it's not like the preconceived idea of old bloke in flat caps more and more under 30's come every week.
Finally keep posting your thoughts on here and read others in here and the diary section.
I wish you well KTF
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