Sharing my story, im new here and would like advice and support.

Hello Taylor,

Thank you for sharing your experiences on the Forum.

Well done for reaching out for some support already and contacting us via live chat. You are not alone if you have experienced some alleviation from your depression symptoms when gambling. It not unusual for some people to experience a ‘buzz’ or just a lift in mood this may be due to a reaction in the body or just having a break from your thoughts (using gambling as an ‘escapism’ activity) or a combination of both. During the COVID lockdown a lot of us turned to alternatives to boost our mood and pass the time due to our usual ways of coping being restricted. Unfortunately as you describe a ‘big early win’ may contribute to an irrational level of belief that you might win easily again.

It sounds like you are determined to stop gambling as it causing you some unpleasant side-effects such as feelings of anger (which often arise if we are trying to control something we cannot control) and isolating yourself for long periods of time. If you have not already, please do see your GP or another relevant medical professional for support around your depression symptoms. Filling your time with new (or re-visited ) hobbies and activities may help with both the gambling recovery journey and the low mood.

You may wish to gain some more immediate peer support by joining one of our general Chatrooms at 1pm or 8pm each weekday.

Best Wishes,

Louise,

Forum Admin

Posted by: @fns20ha8zx

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Hello, I am a gambling addict. My gambling started during the dark days of covid. Bought a few scratchcards and won quite a bit of money. At the time I had no urges just wanted to cash the money in and go buy a game for my computer then I watched someone gamble online and this is where it all started. First slot I ever played was a particular website, 3 pound spins, I ended up getting a bonus and won 100x, nothing out this world but liked the feeling. Then came the big hit, I got another bonus after 25 minutes and I ended up max winning the game. At the time I was speechless,  couldn't believe it, was showing my parents my girlfriend and they were happy for me but my dad always said be careful don't go chasing it and you can guess what happened next. I started chasing because the feeling was so good I've never felt anything like it, just overall joy. Eventually the losses started coming, putting 200 in and losing it all within 15 minutes, depositing again and again and losing it after hour I was nearly broke and I was genuinely gutted, couldn't believe it. The next day I tried again and I managed to recoup 50% of what I lost the day before. Then this became the cycle for me, chasing every loss. Even when I won big(trust me I've won some big big money) it all went back in. Since my max win on that particular website, I've not won on that website since, that was 3 years ago. My brain is telling me it's coming and I believe it and as I'm writing this, I'm believing a max win is coming. I've borrowed money, I've missed rent days, I've sold my possessions to fund it, I've done everything I can to make sure I have ways to gamble. Currently, gambling is a huge part of me and my life and atm I can't see no escape and no way out from it. It's a never ending cycle. I've had 3 battles with severe depression and beat it 3 times over and gambling helped me during depression. Is that weird to say? That gambling helped me during 3 periods of depression but yet at times it causes me anger, anxiety and pain? Is that common? When I gamble and I win I f*****g love it. There's no words other than that to describe it. I f****g love it. When in the middle of a session, I don't acknowledge anything or anyone around me, I'm in my own world and could gamble for 24 hours straight without the feeling of boredom. I've joined gam care today and spoke to someone on the chat and they've given me a but of relief. I've set myself a goal and hopefully I will achieve this. I suppose I've wrote this to ask for advice and some moral support as I start my journey on defeating this and gaining some self control.

I can relate to this. My addiction started over 10 years ago on scratchcards, then worked my way to Online gaming which eventually lead to a major addiction taking hold. 

I borrowed and used money for bills to play. Just hoped that in a few more spins I'll be "breakeven" but the reality was the amount I'd loss chased was well above what anything could pay me. I carried on thinking just one more time, one more deposit and I'll be back even - but it pretty much always ended with a zero balance and that thought of "Just one more" returns.

I had one pay packet where the whole lot was a deposit for me to lose it in 20 seconds and I had nothing left for a month. I've ridden the pain, misery and guilt but always ended up going back until now. I just had to accept I can't gamble it can't be a part of my life because I can't control it.

I still remember the days before payday I used to plan what I'd play and then payday wake up ridiculously early in the morning without an alarm just to lose it all and go back to bed shaking and feeling shame. 

I've spent years in and out of recovery. I'm not on my longest gamble free period of 9 months and certainly have no intention to go back. I'm getting even paying back what I've borrowed and coming out of arrears on many bills and its quite satisfying. 

I'm 9 months in. I never thought I'd get this far, I have and have no intention of going back. If you're struggling seek support Gamcare support may be able to suggest some things to help. My biggest saviour was blocking software and took talking therapy. But its about seeing what works and going with it. 

Best of luck on the journey. Its achievable! 

Posted by: @bm241pin5d

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I'm not on my longest gamble free period of 9 months and certainly have no intention to go back. I'm getting even paying back what I've borrowed and coming out of arrears on many bills and its quite satisfying. 

Correcting the typo in my post 🙄 

"I'm now on my longest gamble free period of 9 months and certainly have no intention to go back. I'm getting even paying back what I've borrowed and coming out of arrears on many bills and its quite satisfying."

Hi

I use to think that I loved gambling.

Then once I got in to the recovery program I understood that the highs the buzz was simply adrelaine rush and fear based.

I even thought if I got a lot of money that money would make me feel successful in my self.

It was clearly pointed out to me by a very rich person one day that his goal in life was not money but to be a succcesful person.

I now understand that money would not heal my pains.

I now understand that money would not reduce my fears.

I now understand that money would not resolve my emotional triggers.

Today I know and understand that for me gambling is a very unhealthy self destructive addiction.

When I walked out the gambling establishments having lost every thing what were my feelings and emotions.

I was causing my self more and more pains, on walking out of those places I was emotionally traumatized, I was filled with fears of how much damage I had done to my self.

The gambling establishments never hurt me I hurt my self.

The gambling establishments never made me do any thing that I di dnot want to do.

The gambling establishments never lied to me, I lied to my self.

The gambling establishments were places I went to escape how emotionally vulnerable I was.

The more effort and time you put in to your recovery meetings the more healthier you will get.

Just to abstain from gambling I some times needed 2 3 or even 4 meetings per week.

Sadly I even thought that I would be the last person on this planet who could stop gambling.

Love peace and healing.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

Thank you for all sharing your stories, had a hiccup 2 days ago but now when I get my urges I now find other things to do, I'm putting my phone to the side now and using it less. I completely agree that it is fear based and the adrenaline and a in the moment feeling. Positive vibes today and well done to all that have beat and still battling this illness. Been to a meeting Monday and more determined than ever.