Dear all,
I am back. God, (with all due respect) I DID NOT want to be back here.
You might remember me, although my story is not unique. Things are different only in the fact I am currently 11/12 sessions into counselling (last one next week), I have insight in to my gambling, why I do it (for me it is a private self destruction, rebellion), what is done for me etc...blah blah blah. But I am here because I relapsed this weekend.
It was building for a few weeks. Small bets, thinking I had it covered. These small bets grew into larger deposits. And this weekend after being paid on Friday, I rinsed my bank account. Last night I was very up, it was late, so I went to bed smug in the thought that I was back winning. Obviously this morning I spent it all, yup everything, all gone.
This devestation is not my first rodeo, I know the people I have to call tomorrow to discuss the bills I cant pay, I know the ones that are more forgiving than others. I'm back to trying to be inventive about how to put petrol in the car. The birds in my garden will not get fed this month.
To be honest, Im scared. I contributed a lot of my sucess to my therapy, its been brilliant. But it didnt work. The blocks on my accounts, laptop etc didnt work. Drawing my salary out of the bank, didnt work. Self exclusion, didnt work. I'm lost.
I was bathing my daughter and putting her to bed and she was chatting eagerly about things we had said we would do when I got paid, like literally 3 days ago, how can I now tell her we cant, when literally 2 days ago I made promises.
I wish I was back, dropping in to show others this can be done. Instead I'm back, a prime example of how gripping this addiction can be.
So here we go again. Tomorrow is Day 1, but thats easy its all gone anyway.
Hello Xenedra,
I can understand your struggles right now but don't give up on stopping. You don't have to accept gambling as a part of your life. You just need to find that strategy that works for you. It sounds like its going to take a big effort, whatever that means to you but it is so worth it for yourself and your family.
I know you must be down and hurting. Like you say you've done some GF days and you can't really gamble in the immediate future so maybe you just need to give yourself 24/48 hours to get your head straight and back focused on what you can change going forwards. I understand you have tried a lot but how did you gamble? What allowed that to be possible and what can you do to change that be an option? I've had counselling myself. You still have one left, sometimes its possible to ask for an extension i would say what can it hurt to ask that on the next one?
There is and will always be people that can support you through things. You are not and don't need to allow yourself to be alone in fighting this. Let people in and be easy on yourself and hard on your addiction. Many good people have fallen down many times and have ended up where they wanted to be. Talk to the people that can help and work out what you can do to help yourself. I followed your last diary as you wrote it. You had some good days, they are still possible.
All the best, i'll be around.
I know where your coming from, I got to 126 days and am now into 70 days after a relapse and this second time is really really difficult, a hidden curse but you know you'll have a lot of support and you will beat it. I left loopholes open but I would highly recommend Gamban as it installs in the background, you cant uninstall it and it blocks gambling and related sites and the obvious keep your mind always focused on other things, dont let the home alone and the glass of wine weaken your defenses to the evil lures of the addiction. You can do it, wheres my candle. 🙂
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