This needs to end now!!!!

I can relate. I've been gambling for decades. 

When I was young, it was the occasional horse race, then bingo, then the slots became available and I would go with some girlfriends once in a while on a Sunday afternoon.  Back then I was like Woo-hoo!  I won xxx or s**t I can't believe I lost $25 bucks!! 

Slowly over time, I went more often, then I went alone, then I bet a little more, higher bets, longer sessions.  More years went by and I got so I couldn't drive past the Casino without going in.  Just to play a few games...  then 8 hours later....the bank machine would decline any more withdrawals.

I got so I never talked to anyone about my gambling.  I didn't want to tell about my wins in case I encouraged someone to try it and I was too ashamed to talk about my losses.  I started lying about where I was when people couldn't contact me. 

I got to times when I was so ashamed of myself after staggering around the casino hour after hour and going back to the ATM over and over until I ran out of money. At those times, I self-excluded myself for a time.

It was a relief to have the option to gamble taken off the table.  I had a few years with no gambling and  I got control of my money and took care of business without having that sickness interfering with me.

But then online slots came around...

The past year has been the worst.  Unlike going to a Casino in person, I could sit at home and gamble for days on end.  Chasing losses with bigger and bigger bets.  Sometimes I would win and I could pay down my mastercard, but within a few days, I would be back into it.

When I lost, I would not think about how much.  I just paid my card off out of my savings and stuck my head in the sand.

Well this past month I really f****d myself.  I  have gone through all my savings and I put $11,000.00 on my credit card, then I went to a real casino twice and lost another $4000.

I sat down today and went through all my bank and credit card statements.  I am sick to think of all that wasted time and money.  There is not a jackpot big enough to ever break even.  

Over the years, I would search online to see what the hell was wrong with me.  I guess it has something to do with the dopamine rush which is like a drug.  So it's not just stupidity, it is also about physical addiction - like a J****E.  

I'm so isolated now.  Nobody knows I have this problem and I intend to take it to the grave with me.  The sad part is I still have these STRONG urges to do it again.  My mind plays all kinds of tricks on me to justify the One more time and this will be the last time.... b******t.

So here I am.  Looking for help online.  This is the first thing I've ever written.  I have read a few people's posts here at the Gamcare site, so I know I'm in the right company!! 

Maybe we all can help each other find a way out and a new life.  I hope so.

So - you are right.  This needs to end now!  Best of luck to you.

Hi thank you for your reply means alot! 

Well this is day 1 for me and I really am determined to win for once by never going back! 

I'm the same my family knows nothing about this and I'm hoping they never will I have a big hole to dig out of with debt almost £120,000 of debt but I'm starting from now to rebuild my life. This isn't i need to stop!! I have to stop!! And I'm going to. so meny times I've had big losses and said to myself right thats it no more only to find myself the next day doing it again! 

It's a Lonely addiction no one knows I'm ashamed of myself. 

I would love to help you on your journey and hopefully you can help me! Like I said this is day one but never in all my time gambling have I ever wanted to sort this out and stop and never go back! This is day one of a new me a me without gambling ever being in it again!