°Morning all I'm Liam, new to the site and not really sure as I'm rubbish at putting my words down.
I personally am aware I have a an addictive personality and well iv been hooked on cigarettes, the latest computer games and going to the gym three times a week for 3 hours per session. (All the time having a weeks old baby in the house with my fiancГ©).
Iv always gambled for years and it started on just in a Saturday afternoon strolling for the bookies with my £5 for a footy accumulators until I realised the online bookies and things from there went bad to worse.
Need to add that things escalated when my son was born nearly four years ago and well I confessed and my fiancГ© left me (also we were fighting, a lot of strain on the relation) so the gambling tipped her over the edge. I vowed to her I would change and be a better dad to our son and went to the G.P and sought advice but never followed through with it. Things cooled off with the gambling and I moved back home then without realising I was at it again being sneaky on my phone, hiding the apps in folders in my iPhone etc.
We fell pregnant with our second (a daughter) and well again the Strain was on us and unaware to me this strain was placed in us by me and my mood swings if and always lost.
I remember we were at the brink of buying a new house and sitting at the bank with the mortgagee person, thinking my partner is going to see the last three months bank statements sitting there and make a scene, but by the grace of gods she didn't and I still managed to hide this from her.
Long story short, she quizzed me a few days ago about how much I'm gambling and my usual comment of being "a few pounds here or there" again she saw right through and asked to see my bank statements which she has never seen before.
I know at that very moment my life (family life) that meant everything to me was slipping away.
She made me write down every transaction or deposit I have made since my children were born something I have never done and I was devastated and the realisation of how much I have spent.
£5 here and £30 there racked up and I saw spending hundreds a month not a lot in some cases I can appreciate that but having two young kids and a partner on maternity pay its a lot, basically meaning we couldn't afford a pizza on a Saturday night the simply things.
In the end I have spent nearly £10,000 on this "issue" and never once thought I was addicted to gambling u too now until I saw those figures of how much I have spent.
I need to add that like most gamblers we are compulsive Liers, I have lied about money, said we didn't have any and had to use credit cards to pay for petrol or formula for my 4 month old, we couldn't afford a small break to a caravan with the kids as I had spent all the money. When in fact we could have been living a pretty happy care free life with this extra money. I am selfish I admit this but as I have told my fiancГ© this demon has a hold of me and it consumes for very being and you don't think of these things when your depositing £50 from the food shopping into a bookies account.
I am still in the family home and living on the sofa desperately clinging on to them, again I have vowed to stop and I'll change and I'll the the father my kids deserve.
I don't really know what or where the future holds for me and I am determine to beat this then tackle my addictive personality, of and when this happens and my finance still can't forgive me then I'll move on and let them live their life in peace and without worrying when or what I will do next to disappoint them.
Sorry for the life story, it does help putting this down on words, advice, critism is much appreciated. My next step is attending a meeting not sure what for (hate public speaking)
Thanks for listening,
Liam.
Hi Liam well done in taking the first step on the road to recovery. It's a hard road and sometimes us addicts live minute by minute not even day to day. But ultimately the journey is worth it. I learned a while back there's a lot to be said for having a normal boring life instead of chasing the "Big win" ultimately we'd gamble it away anyway. I'd advise you to put all the blocks and barriers in place self exclude get blocking software etc. It took me a while to self exclude from every bookie I left a couple open God knows what for but I did it eventually. Deep down your missus still loves you but it's the gambling you she doesn't like. The lying the creeping about. I'd suggest you let her take control of all the finances. I know that this hurts our make pride but it's a way of showing her your serious! Good luck with your recovery,keep posting and popping by it helps
Thanks for the good advice, I have given her control, I have showed her I self excluded myself from the bookies I use, but j know myself this means nothing and it's like putting a plaster over a broken bone if I wanted to gamble I would walk to the bookies. This is a start however.
I have left my bank account lying and went to work so she knows I have no need for this.
Last thing she said before she left for bed and I was on the sofa was "I know your going to wait until in bed then put a bet on" I didn't even deny this, was this wrong to try and connive her otherwise or just let my actions speak? As she has heard all the promises iv made before and well it's all back fired on her.
She's hurting. Hurting at the lies the deceit,the money wasted etc but the fact your still in the house is a good sign even if it's just for the kids. The thing about trust is it takes ages to build up but seconds to erode. I know you'll be hurting and full of regrets but sadly what's done can't be undone and its your actions from now on will determine the outcome. Everyone is different and have different ideas on how to beat this addiction but all I would say to you is the time for being embarrassed or ashamed has gone,swallow your pride go to counselling speak to someone or do what you think is right but for the sake of your family commit to the process. You can do this one day st a time! Remember we can't win because we can't stop!
Hi Liam
For someone rubbish at getting things down, you've made a good opening post
It's amazing the power of denial. I gambled maybe £100k + over 12-14 years but didn't admit to myself i was an addict. I don't know if that was because of the stigma or because if I accepted my addiction, it meant I had to stop.
I properly accepted my addiction 3.5 years ago and haven't bet since.
Immediate term, you have to take action to make gambling harder (there are 100s of posts about how to do this).
You need to understand why you gamble. Addicts tend to be repressing difficult inner experiences - thoughts and emotions. We gamble to escape these.
An addict's life becomes dictated to by his/her fears. If you can learn to talk about your fears, you externalise them. You start seeing the fears as more like paper tigers.
Other tonics include opening up to people. You'll feel stupid but that's not how others tend to see it.
Perhaps most importantly, consider what your values are and start connecting with them. Gambling makes our world small - we stop doing things that are important to us.
Start taking actions in pursuit of those values. I'm guessing being a loving father/partner is high on yr agenda. But maybe there are dreams or interests you've wanted to pursue. Creativity or hobbies.
Your family are incredibly important but you need to fix your relationship with yourself, above all.
Accepting your addiction presents a wonderful opportunity to change. Hope you seize it.
Louis
Thanks Louis,
All of what you have said is true can see this now, I never really thought of myself as an "addict" because of the stigma and the unconscious bias towards it.
I work in a homeless accommodation and I see kids adults suffering with addictions and felt so similar to them but never clicked we were fighting the same demon.
I have been referred to have 1 to 1 counselling and I am looking into attending a group meeting just to listen and hear others.
What I have found fascinating is even on this forum there are hundreds of people with my same very story and all this time iv been trying to fight this on my own.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
