thunderstruck

Hi, 

This must be a big shock. Did she tell you or did you find out? Did she come completely clean to you?

All I would say is, if you can see a future with her then stick by her, help her and support her. 
She has to want to stop and seek help too. 

Gambling addiction is an illness, she didn’t chose this life. The lies are all part of it. I look back now and cannot believe the stuff I came out with. The addiction takes over your life. You won’t ever understand not being in the situation and I’m glad you don’t. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy. I’m a compulsive gambler, ran up debt of £40k and I would do anything,  ANYTHING to turn back time. 

I wouldn’t be here today if my husband didn’t stand by me….

Wishing you luck and hope.

Claire 

@cpparch I wish my country Malawi realised this , there is too much stigma and am on the lonely road fighting this .

Cheers Claire,

yeah it was a shock, pretty much over the money side of things, after all no one has chopped my hands off. She came clean only when i was going to check the bank as i'd thought we'd had fraud on it. Even while i was trying to sort it at bank she took money out as we were going through it. It was the lady at the bank that pointed out it was a account linked and in the same name as on the joint and business accounts. Turns out there were more hidden accounts. And what she came clean about wasn't anywhere near what's gone.

But it's the language coming from her. She left that day and went to her mothers. Says she won't come back till she feels she's ready. Which i understand if she wants all the time she needs, but statements like "if only i'd managed to win it back" and "i could have blagged this for longer" coupled with me having to arrange counseling just makes me feel she's either not ready or is still in denial.

Her family know all about it, apparently it's been that way since she was 18. But no one bothered to say anything?

I knew something was wrong with us but never guessed it was this. Tried to talk for months but just got told everything was fine. Says she will go to counseling and i'm willing to try, but don't know if the truth is being told or just what we want to hear?

It’s a really terrible situation for you and will take a long time to get over it. Is the debt a lot if you don’t mind me asking? 

From reading that it does seem she isn’t ready to stop and in denial. She has got to want to stop and be honest about everything. Because no amount of counselling will help if she isn’t entirely honest. 

Her reaction was pretty normal for a gambling addict. She would be feeling really ashamed over it, but would have put up her defence barrier. I said the same, if I keep on gambling I can win the money back. You sometimes win big and that could have paid off debt / bills etc but it never does. The thrill gets bigger, and you spend more and more. 

Like I said before, I wouldn’t wish this addiction on anyone. I think it’s the worse of them all because it involves money and a lot of money. 

All you can do right now is protect yourself and your money. You cannot help her if she won’t help herself. Parents bailing her out too won’t help. It won’t make her realise what she has done. 

I wake up everyday with dread, guilt and pain over what I’ve done. My husband has been brilliant, not once shouted at me or blamed me. He just felt sad that I felt I couldn’t talk to him before it got really bad. 

I have 2 sons 7 and 3 years old, and missed out so much because I spent my days gambling. That’s one regret I won’t ever get over. 

Claire

@davi22 this is just awful. Really feel for you. It’s hard enough for me with support, cannot imagine how you’re feeling. ?

@cpparch only few people can understand its an illness.

@cpparch Money gone? Well we went back 6 months and it's over 30k. Debt? What i know about, 12k. But we only counted transactions of £100 and over as it will take ages to figure out the true figure with business accounts, personal accounts and mortgage accounts all linked. Haven't looked as premium bonds or savings yet. And cash? God knows. Easily another 10k. Just laid 2 people off, really nice decent people, had to. She didn't even blink.  Don't think she understands or even wants to how far it reaches. Have managed to keep some and was thinking of paying debt off as it is on her accounts but all advice is not to but that effects my credit to.Luck would have it that mortgage is small these days and we're not sunk but it's not far away.

I would have thought she would come back, if only to help a bit with the business and see if we can tread water but says she's going for another job and staying at her mams until she knows what she wants.

I'm translating that, as see you later. More she's away the bigger the gap seems to get.

Hope you get yours under control Claire, would be nice to hear if anyone has success with it. I'm trying to be understanding about it, been angry but never shouted, just sad she couldn't tell me before all this.

It is far from an easy fix many people have battled with this for many years. Running away from the problem wont fix it. The sheer fact she has took off means she isnt facing the realities of what she has done.  An addict rarely tells the truth about the losses. Even till the date of my bankruptcy everyone thought it was half the amount. I didnt even know myself the amounts till i wrote it all down on paper. People loose track when the amounts are big.

A gambling addict can be a perfectly normal person but all common sense goes out of the window in that moment.

She needs to face up to it however bad it is and make a plan to fix the finances and make a start to recovery. 

You need to be firm and strong and put every thing in place to stop this at the outset. If she doesnt come back then she is still living that in denial ignore the problem stage i was at years ago. That is the hardest stage making someone realise this is the end of their gambling road if they cant see this point themselves.

There are lots of people that beat it but them who do will tell u the road isnt easy. Anyone that enables the person to continue is in for a rough ride.

My problem was too many people around me didnt enforce what i needed. Back in the bad years no one took control of my finances no on3 strong enough to stand up to me and i spiralled out of control. She has managed to hide for all this time she is good at masking it and maybe cant face being found out