Trying hard, but need to share!!

Hi woodrob

Do please stay on the forum and use it to work things through.

A major part of the recovery process is finding out who you are, which many of us lose sight of.

A chat with the doctor is a great idea and you could keep calling gamcare for that one to one voice. The doctor can offer counselling which is extremely helpful

Its a complex addiction and these online casinos rely on the fact that the fun soon goes and people end up hooked like addicts.

Gambling makes fools and wrecks of otherwise intelligent people. You must join us on the gamble free side where there is a feeling of serenity and having your life back. You will focus on all gambling being for losers and you must have the blocks on and any family support.

You will not do it just with willpower alone, so any close support you have will be a major bonus. You must have blocks on and you may have to hand over your gadgets

This forum will be one of the best things you have. Honesty and openness are your big things that will defeat gambling. Gambling is immoral and extremely dangerous. It will ruin you and you must focus that every pound/euro is something you already have to spend on something else.

There are many success stories on here. I want you to join us.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Hi there

I can identify with extreme secrecy as was a key feature of my addiction. I managed to keep it a secret for 14 years. Some achievement really as I was playing fruit machines in random pubs for quite a bit of that, before I discovered internet gambling and guaranteed secrecy. Like you, my secrecy helped my denial about my addiction.

I stopped over 3 years ago. I discovered this place and then a little while later told my GF. Those steps were huge as I'd never told a soul. I've now told most of my friends and my sister. My parents are belatedly next on the list.

The best way to stop gambling is to tell loved ones - friends or family. Difficult and probably not what you want to hear. But it's best for stopping and it's best for your general recovery too.

By general recovery I mean what's good for you as a person, gambling aside. The honesty can help rebuild relationships which might've come a bit disconnected (or worse) through the escapism of gambling. Maybe counter-intuitively, it can help rebuild your confidence too.

It's of course natural to feel shame about telling people. That's an inevitable product of the guilt you feel about the gambling. But that guilt's stuck with you until you can let it go. I think the only way you can release that shame is to open up - in fact it can be a really liberating experience.

I've still got work to do. I've justified not telling my parents so far - they live far away, they'd be upset knowing, they're old, they'd feel it's their fault. In fact, it's mostly the shame of feeling like a bit of a failure in life - like I've let them and myself down. I know I need to tell them as part of my recovery. I even know they'll understand and be glad I told them - it will probably bring better understanding and we'll be closer. So I certainly get how shame gets a grip of you.

In the meantime, I'd recommend starting a diary and telling us a bit more about your situ. What led you to become an addict?

Best wishes

Louis

Hello woodrob

Great profile picture.

Welcome to the forum.

Good advice above.

You might find using barriers helpful. Particularly blocking software if your problem is online gambling.

The forum has been a great help to me - it can be for you.

Look forward to following your progress.

Blessings

Glint

Many thanks for your messages of support, especialy to you, Louis, for the message concerning secrecy.

I did, in fact, tell my older sister about my gambling. That was a year ago, and she was super supportive, and not in the least negative with me, not showing her disappointment, but I know it's there! She lives in the states, and I'm in France, so while we talk regularly, I don't see her often and can sort of pretend she doesn't know, which makes it easier. Does that make sense?Telling someone whom I would see regularly seems much harder. It's ridiculous, I know, because my sister is like my best friend, too, and she's someone I respect enormously : you'd think that if I managed to tell her I can tell others. But for now the feeling is : I'll tell them when it's in the past, and I can say "I used to gamble, but was strong enough to get over it", showing the good side, not the bad stuff as it is now.

Anyway, I didn't gamble at all yesterday, and I'm giving myself a gold star in my diary for everyday that I don't (childish, perhaps, but I like visuals!). I also read someone's suggestion about giving yourself objectives/presents when you haven't gambled for a certain period, and I'll try that, too.

Still working on the blocking, but it's complicated over here, or at least with the site I have used.

Thanks again for your support : it' s greatly appreciated!

Hey no worries

Well done on telling your sister. But did you just tell her once and then not talk about it again? I think that in itself can create tension. I've noticed people react in quite different ways when I tell them. Some people get awkward and embarassed - which isn't massively helpful. And what I really don't like is telling someone and then never talking about it again - that feels weird. So you might have to force it a bit. Your sister maybe thinks you feel too embarassed to talk about it hence she doesn't bring it up. Give it another go with her.

One of the things holding me back from telling my parents - it isn't just saying 'I was a gambling addict for 14 years'. It's the...not even the seedyness of it...but the mundanity of it. If that makes sense.

I think the presents idea is good. Another thing to do is just to set yourself goals in accordance with what you value. As addicts we often get disconnected with what we want to do and be in life. I find this really helpful for getting back on track - basically start doing the things we've always wanted to do. Gambling provides an outlet which results in us basically not doing anything.

Best wishes

Louis

Hey Luois! Thanks for the messahe!

I've actually spoken to my sister twice about it, with 8 months between the 2 times. Her position is open, but waiting for me to discuss it, as she doesn't want to push me when I'm down. I totally appreciate it, but am also using it as an excuse not to talk about it, stupid as that mau sound. Also, it feels like such an ugly topic that I don't even want to go there : we each have our own problems, and I don't want to weigh her down even more. It is a burden to put on someone, this kind of a disclosure, don't you think?

I also agree with you on the goals according to what we value, not just "presents". I'm trying to get back to the piano instead of gambling, and I hope I can stick to that.

Another "trick" I'm trying is that whenever I'm on the pc (and that's often because of my work) and get the "urge", I click on to this forum first in order to get positive thoughts going. It's a great help in that way!!

Have a good day, and thanks again!

Anne

Hi woodrob.

You must take up the battle and start self excluding. You dont want their sites in your home. You will learn that willpower alone is often not enough as many of us tried that and did relapse.

You need them off your computer with exclusions and blocking software. You need to be blocked from any site that might tempt you in times of stress boredom depression or loneliness.

There are planty of better things to be doing and you will regain a healthy state of mind. You will wonder why you ever did it.

If somebody can manage your money that is a great help in the early stages. If you live alone you have to rely more on blocks and making sure you have no way in.

Gambling is a dangerous addiction and will just remove every penny you have. There is no shame in reaching out for help and support

I can assure you its a much better life gamble free

Best wishes

Hi guys! I'm Matt just saying hello!

Really struggling not to gamble at the moment online and in shops! I desperately want this habit to stop,consuming my time and more importantly my money! Any advice and guidance would be much appreciated!

M

Hi Anne

Playing the piano sounds positive. I've recently rediscovered my guitar and have been pushing myself to do the odd open mic night. I'm not v good but I still get a sense of accomplishment

You posed a question re the burden of disclosure on the other person. I would think half - committed disclosure is worse. It allows the other person to fill in the blanks and worry a lot.

or turn it round to you. Would you feel burdened if a family member told you about inner struggles?

I see disclosure/openness as like a fast forward button in your recovery. You can do without but it'll take longer and recovery is less sure

Maybe I've been lucky but I've only had positive experiences from being open. Surprised at how many people open up in return.

Louis

Back after a few days away, and very happy to read your comments!

To all who have added on to this thread, my very warmest thanks! I'm still finding it a struggle, and I've given in a couple of times recently : small amounts, but they still amke me feel stupid and incapable. Really, it's such a pointless addiction : you lose your money, and your self-estime! It seems like a no-brainer to stop, and yet...

Once again, thanks to Louis for your words on disclosure : you make it sound so ... well, not easy, but obviously the right choice. I also think you're right about half-disclosure : it probably makes things look even bleaker than they already are.

I'm trying to keep your words in mind, and carry on.

Good luck to all, and have faith in yourselves!!

Hi Anne

how you getting on?

Why don't you start a recovery diary in the other section of the site. You said you have limited support in France so this could help you a lot, like it did me.

Its been interesting chatting about disclosure but that's only an aspect of recovery, albeit an important one.

Getting the diary going encourages commitment - a key.

Look forward to seeing thee on t'other side.

Louis

Hi guys....ive just joined today and looking through comments i see a similar situation i have got myself into......gone from 13k of winnings a week ago to 5k of loss! I cant believe i have been so reckless and stupid....feel ashamed and disgusted with myself that i find it so hard to tell any family or my girlfriend....im lucky that im not in the red and have good credit elsewhere but i have to fight the urge to want to recoup the losses which has got me in the trouble.....good luck everyone