Hi all,
After the terrible weekend I just had I realise I have a problem and that I need help. I think (and hope) that this is rock bottom and I actually feel it is.
I am ashamed that I am in this situation. It is online slots that have done it. I started playing slots when a mate of mine (we used to play face-to-face poker at casinos) showed me how to play them when we both got knocked out of a poker tournament. I always thought that they were stupid. And (this is the most embarrassing part) I have a degree in psychology and used to counsel problem gamblers.
I have been going through a stressful time the past eight months. I am 33 and my ex-girlfriend, who was mentally ill finally became too much for me and I moved out from the house we shared. I have since met another amazing girl and we have just moved in together. The thing is, during the break-up and over the past few months I have felt guilt over leaving my ex and she hasn’t made it any easier saying I’ve ruined her life now.
I found my “solace” in online slots. I say “solace” as of course it hasn’t been: it got me to the point where on Saturday morning I was about to take my life after losing 3500 pounds in a few hours somehow, after being up double that amount. This was all after I had just paid off that amount from my big debts (I am around 10,000 pounds in debt, it may not sound a lot but I came from a poor background and my parents taught me the value of money. It tears me apart that I am in this debt). I felt so ashamed and hopeless.
It happened as this weekend my new girlfriend went to visit her parents for a week. I had a couple of beers after work with friends and then got home late and, before I knew it, I was on line betting like a crazy person. By the end of the night I had maxed out one credit card and (luckily) another one stopped me drawing from it as they thought the transactions were suspicious.
I awoke on Saturday morning mortified of course and then thought that everyone would be better off without me. It is at the point now where I can’t do this anymore and can’t trust myself. It is terrible that you can gamble from your living room and I need to try and stop.
From today, I am stopping all gambling as I can’t deal with this getting any worse.
Hello Teejay,
It sounds like you had a really intense weekend. I'm really sorry to hear that you've even considered taking your own life - and glad to hear that you felt that you could reach out to someone at that time of crisis.
I'm hearing that you're experiencing so much guilt and shame, for a number of reasons - the fact that you have a background in psychology and you still developed a gambling problem, the fact that you have forgotten what your family taught you about the value of money and you are in debt, the fact that you decided to end your relationship with your previous girlfriend. It sounds like there's a part of you that's really judging you, relentlessly. That must be really tough for you.
However, you have made a really important and brave step forward by coming here, and you can be proud of this step. Perhaps making some further steps could help you with the guilt and the shame.
How would you feel about blocking all gambling sites on your computer? Were you aware of this option? Have a look at the following sites, for more info:
It might also help you to get some impartial and free debt advice. The following organisations can offer that:
http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/
You are also more than welcome to call GamCare to speak with an advisor, one-to-one, and in confidence. You can either call our Helpline on 0845 6000 133, or log on to its online equivalent, the Netline, by clicking on the link below:
http://secure.gamcare.org.uk/netline/
Both services are open between 8am and midnight, 365 days.
I notice that you're saying that you're hoping that this is rock bottom. This perhaps shows that you're aware that just because you've decided now that you want to stop, doesn't mean that you'll always feel this way. It may seem obvious, but it's in fact a good step to acknowledge this. This means that you're in a better position to take concrete steps to prepare yourself for the moments when your willpower is not as strong as now.
Finally, if you ever feel as overwhelmed as you felt on Saturday, and our service is not open, or you don't feel that you can speak to anyone else, I would encourage you to contact the Samaritans, who offer a listening service:
08457 90 90 90
All the best for your recovery and keep posting!
George
Thanks for the reply George. It is very good of you to answer and the advice is great. I will definitely use the blocking devices on my computer now. It sounds perfect for my situation as I tend to be pretty good at avoiding going to places where I am tempted but this online thing is dangerous for me as it gets me in my weak moments when my girlfriend is out and I am alone.
I actually feel the best I have felt in a long time today as I feel like I have confronted many things. The weekend was as you described: intense. Back at my desk at work this morning I reflected on what had happened since I had been there last on Friday and realised what a waste gambling is. I mean, is it worth what I went through on the weekend? Nothing is, I even scared myself and know I never want to get back there again.
I have read much of this forum today and it is easier knowing there are others out there struggling as I am. I may well keep a diary as I have always been one to try and deal with problems myself but think this is one I will have to deal with drawing room the experience of others on here.
Thanks again.
hi .. sorry you have had such an awful weekend but i can relate to what you are saying 100% .. gambling is an evil addiction and like you its online gambling that has caused me the most problems . it amazes me how it can be legal to sit with your laptop and a debit / credit card and lose so much money and i dont know about you but the money dosent feel real .. its just numbers on the screen until you lose and then the despair creeps in and like you i havent known which way to turn . I'm so pleased you had someone to call because taking your life would be such a waste when at the end of day i do believe we can all move away from this and rebuild our lives .. i'm no expert and i do struggle but talking to others really does help ..
hi Teejay
i know exactly where you are. Ive blown thousands and thousands in the last month. I was the same this morning, back at the desk and being asked how the weekend was... knowing id lost even more thousands. Then i sit there and think, why did i go through all this stress ?
glad you feel better for acknowledging it.
godd luck
hi Teejay
i know exactly where you are. Ive blown thousands and thousands in the last month. I was the same this morning, back at the desk and being asked how the weekend was... knowing id lost even more thousands. Then i sit there and think, why did i go through all this stress ?
glad you feel better for acknowledging it.
godd luck
Hi Teejay
I did the same again last weekend, lost 2500 playing online roulette, it is only now that I realise I have to pay the debt back and that I have nothing to show for it apart from heartache and depression. I also get in a zone when playing and nothing else matters apart from another spin and another win, it makes me feel pathetic for doing it. I hope I can keep strong and and learn from this. Hope you start to feel better and stronger because this gambling industry is not worth any of your time or money ever again.
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