What to do? Partner gambling

Hi kev 

first thing is to separate your finances. Nothing joint. No bailouts, don't save for her gambling debt, save for yourself. She needs to feel the consequences of her lies and her choices to gamble. When this happens she will realise she can't continue. I would tell the bank. They have many ways to help and restrict this behaviour.

don't lie for an addict . That is enabling. She probably doesn't want t you talking to family because she's borrowed from them. She's telling them not to tell you. This will continue until someone stops the cycle.

the only person you can change is yourself. Stop making excuses for her, stop paying her share, stop enabling. It's so so hard, I know I enabled my husband unwittingly for years. We worry about what people think, credit scores. It's irrelevant. It keeps the cycle going. We have to stop repeating and fixing. Be ruthless. Look after yourself. Be honest. Read up on addiction. Get some blocks in place, don't believe what she says. Be vigilant. Take control of finances completely.

HI thanks for the reply, i think your  right the only thing i can do is be ruthless - its tough though when you see someone you love doing this, i have spoke to the bank but cant close joint account without both doing so and because she is transferring money to another bank before it going to gambling sites they cant block it unfortunately, but i think i can take myself off though which i might do and set up an account for the bills in my name only, its not going to go down too well but  i suppose if we are going to argue about this anyway it might as well be an argument that gets closer to helping her / me and resolving this.  I am going to continue reading through stories on here - and more on addiction, we did see a councilor at one point which was good for me i thought as i could get my feelings across - but she stopped going i continued for a while so got a bit of an understanding, and everyone seems to say the same, protect your money, i think i need to do that now, and try and support her where i can in other ways, I really want to try and convince her to join gamcare and gamstop but at the moment thats not happening - maybe the blocks on the money will change the mindset .......... i hope so,   thanks very much really appreciated take care kev     

Hi I echo Merry go rounds thoughts. Also your partner needs to register with gamstop. It will stop her gambling online. I would suggest that you register as well so she can't use your details to gamble with.

I am a gambling addict by the way. When gambling I switch off from real life, it becomes addictive. gambling games are designed to be addictive. Its like being a drug addict. It is a drug addiction. treat it as such. She is not able to control herself, practical barriers are essential.

Google "inside the mind of an escape gambler" and have a read. It may give further incite.

All the best

cheers i will register myself with gamstop i never thought of that, much appreciated and i will google that this evening thank you 

Hi

I feel for you and this is what a gambling addiction does to relationships.

Its a drug addiction and Im afraid its about protecting yourself and stepping up to a new form of tough love.

Its not a matter of joint accounts and you will have to get a single account and transfer all your money now to keep it safe.

Then you need to learn build strength and prepare for the reality checks that she will need. You pick your time and moments but she will need them when you are ready.

Im not saying she is inherently bad. Im saying she is the female or male addict I used to see in the gambling dens...totally hooked and ill with it...hooked to a point that she doesnt even know how dangerous it is.

She feels compelled to play and its long past the money or thoughts of winning. She is not trying to do you all over with an evil laugh...she is hooked on a drug and needs help

She has to be ready for that help for there is no shame in reaching out for it.

You have to be prepared for confrontation if she is not ready. Its an addcition that can snap back at you because it doesnt want to give up its host body. Yes it acts like a parasite or a virus and you have to learn about its sheer power to take over.

I hope it just takes firm talking without tempers being raised. She needs help but you also need to protect yourself...no life savings in biscuit tins etc...money in secure one name accounts and all her wages will ideally need to come to you 

 Ive been a problem gambler and I wouldnt live with one. That said I hope you will help her and that she sees the light soon.

Its your decision and its not your fault. Its a recovery journey but you will also need help and a support network. My advice is you tell who needs to know....no point keeping her secrets as secrets help the addiction survive

This will be a test of how her addiction reacts...if she grumbles moans and fights every step you have a real problem to deal with

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

She's lost the connection between action and consequence and all the time you act as her safety net she won't remake it.

Protect yourself. She's abusing the joint account so either take her off it or open an account she can't get to. Don't keep her secrets. They all beg us to but it never ends well. Look after you and your interests because you're the only one who will until she's ready to stop.

Hi 

I am too a gambler I am 125 days gamble free I was the very same as your partner my husband would dispise me, I’d spend every penny he blocked the bank cards and I went absolutely mad with him I was so angry but at the same time relieved after a few days of not talking to him I had a word with my self and I put a 5 year block on all gaming sites... my advice take all her money we can’t be trusted we can over time but not initially,

sit down and have a conversation with her tell her how it’s making u feel tell her u want control of the finances,

but ultimately she has to want to stop like I did a light turned on all of a sudden and I have not looked back,

goodluck to you and your family I hope all works out for u