hi all. I’m very very new to this, I’m totally lost and confused. My other half is a cg, for a few years (that I know of), I’ve bailed him out, supported,encouraged, tried to make things better, tolerated the mood swings, tried really reallly hard to not take it personally, protected, forgiven, forgotten, moved on, changed focus, lies for,talked,written, bared my soul. It was valentines morning when he decided to tell me he had relapsed AGAIN, that he had managed to gamble thousands he did not have and that gambling again for the past month no reasons or excuses this time (I’ve been told in the past that I make him gamble) just a big dirty financial mess. The lies and deceit are the hardest things to bear, he says that I am treating him as if he “just went out and had an affair” the “trying to understand” has gone - I am so totally heartbroken, that my best friend, the love of my life has AGAIN relapsed. He maintains it does not affect me or the kids as he can still pay the bills, he just has NO spare money at all from his wages - which makes it his problem and not mine ???somehow he managed to get “one last loan” to pay off this relapse but he is already thousands in debt from previous relapses. He is fixated on moving forward, not living in the past. All previous relapses I have listened and tried to understand and find acceptance , I have never thrown any of it in his face as I don’t believe in “kicking a dog once it’s down”He is right in that I don’t want to talk to him - I don’t know what to say !!!! (I’ve said all I can every last time we have been here - I bared my soul, completely opened up about how the G made me feel, about how I don’t comprehend how before placing the bet, he cannot think of the consequences for not just himself but the family as a whole)We have been here so so many times, he says I am unsympathetic and I am not supporting him. He says he is ill, yet he refuses to go to
the GP, get Councilling himself or go to any meetings - he hasn’t truly told me the full extent of the financial destruction. He says he needs me, but really when is enough,enough? How can you tell someone you love is beyond your help. When do you get to the point you cannot forgive and forget? When does the fear of it happening again go ? How do you dig deep enough to try and move on ? How do you repair the damage? How much responsibility do we, the partners of the cg need to take ? How do you tell someone you love, that you’re just not willing to travel this journey with them anymore ? Is that even acceptable? To give up after trying,trying trying???? I’m so bloody angry, hurt,disappointed and ultimately disgusted at being put in this situation yet again - I don’t know if I have the strength to “support” my cg hubby again - has anybody got any advice or guidance ? I chatted online with someone from here earlier who is referring me to Councilling - which is great, but if anybody who has been here can share any great words of wisdom - I would truly appreciate it thanks
Hi Scooper and welcome to the forum.
You are in the right place to start getting help and advice.
The sad truth is enough was enough a long time ago but a gambling addiction will go on and on while the gambler tries to ride the losses with loans, delusion and lies.
The first time gambling causes stress or debt is enough but its a deadly addiction based on complex issues mixed with the need and craving to chase as if its all going to come right in the end.
It isnt and it only gets worse for compulsive gamblers and the vast majority of active gamblers
This is mainly about strength to know you are right and you didnt cause all this. Its about learning about the addiction and building up some family support.
He will only get help when he is ready to stop. You actually need to protect your financial situation and you need to be drawing some lines that gambling is not acceptable to you.
Yes you may need counselling for stress but you now need to build up a base of advice and knowledge so you are strong. I wont beat about the bush....you may need some space. Ive been a gambler and I certainly wouldnt live with one. I know its not easy to make these decisions so please phone gamcare as many times as you like and keep using the forum.
Is there anybody close that you can talk to because its time that you are not putting up with this anymore. You might like to see the friends and family section where this post will get the most attention.
The person you love has an addiction which is now in the same medical chapter as drinking or class A addiction. Gambling is not a substance but it acts in the same way on the controlled mind. This addiction will destroy both of you and I use the word destroy with careful consideration. This addiction treats love as if it were nothing. Im not saying your other half is inherently bad but he is an addict way out of control
Are you prepared to go on like this because it will drag you down to new depths. There is no easy way but you must make some decisions based on what gamcare say and the advice here.
Best wishes to you
Hi scooper, I said to my husband not long ago, another woman would have been much cheaper! It is never enough, they will continue as long as they want to. It will only end when he wants it to. So for you, what you need is to safeguard your money. No more helping with debt, the more you pay the more they play. As joydivider says it's not acceptable. You can go to a gamanon meeting. That's the best place to learn how to live with a cg. Get support from others who also are in your position. Credit reports will show you extent of debts. You can control finances if you want to. That's what I do, he has no access, cards or money. That's his choice. If a gambler really wants to stop they need to be 100% honest. You need to look after you and learn what not to do.
Morning,
Are you asking about when you’ve had enough or when he has? Because only you can decide when you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired of what you’re doing. And only he can decide when he’s had enough of what he’s doing. You trying to make his choices and vice versa becomes dysfunctional.
That might sound unhelpful but it’s an important distinction to make. If you’re so caught up in what he’s doing that you’ve lost yourself? If you keep tolerating the intolerable and bailing out, it perpetuates the gambling. And f&f only stop and make changes when they decide that they’ve had enough.
The help is out there, via GamAnon or CoDA or AlAnon if there’s also drinking. And when you decide that you’ve had enough of your situation, then you will choose to take the help, to learn to do things differently, to learn to look after yourself.
Keep the focus on you.
CW
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