Hi,
my husband has been signed off with complex mental health issues for around 8 months.
He’s recently become unemployed and isn’t contributing financially at all. Throughout his signing off he’s been frequently going to the local pub and was getting cash back on (our/my) credit cards at the bar for the fruit machine. His worst evening he spent over £300. He knows this isn’t acceptable to me so has started to hide it/lie/borrow money from friends and lying to them too.
As his work situation has become worse the visits to the pub have become less frequent but he’s downloaded fruit machine type games to his phone, again, every little bit of money he can find is being spent on these games and he’s lying about all of it, when challenged he says his mental health is bad and this is preventing him from doing worse to himself. He can’t see the issue & gets very defensive. We are in so much debt and I’m supporting the family financially it’s quickly eroding all of my trust.
I can’t speak to anyone in our lives about this, I just don’t know what to do next - a marriage without trust for me is pointless, I want to help him. I think I need some help, any suggestions?
married 17yrs, 2 kids, mortgage.
Hey Yellowbird,
Sorry to hear about your recent struggles. I guess you need to get him to open up and tell you how he’s feeling. That way, you have a chance of tackling the underlying problem or trauma. Gambling is symptomatic of the greater problem. Does he have hobbies you can inspire him to engage in? I know it won’t be easy, but day-by-day, I’m sure you’ll get there.
Wishing you all the best.
I would also say - from experience - that trying to get him to talk about the gambling at this point might simply make things worse. Better to try and connect with him and steer clear of that topic, at least for the moment x
Hi yellowbird,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us what is happening to you at the moment. I’m hearing that this is a very difficult situation for both you and your husband currently, with him experiencing poor mental health and using gambling to cope and your family getting into more and more debt, this sounds extremely stressful and hard to cope with, particularly as you feel unable to speak to anyone about this.
Please consider reaching out to the helpline 0808 8020 133 to talk through the help available to you and get yourself referred through to some support: GamCare offers 1-2-1 support sessions with a practitioner to people affected by someone else’s gambling, Gamcare also provides a virtual group to women in similar situations as yourself, it’s called Way Forward.
Getting ongoing support from a practitioner and or the group can really help you feel not alone in this and will support and help you negotiate this very difficult situation and provide a place to talk
We also have chatrooms for people affected by someone else’s gambling Chatrooms - GamCare on Tuesdays at 12pm or Thursday’s at 7pm
If you think your husband is at imminent risk of harming himself you can call 999, you can also get more general advice from MIND Helplines | Mind - Mind.
StepChange Debt Charity. Free Expert Debt Help & Advice is a good place to start in regards to debt.
Please do engage with the support from GamCare, we are here for you and want to help.
Take Care
Jane
Forum Admin
Hi there
I feel for your very tough situation if it was me and I know this is easy to say from outside looking in
Number 1 I would stop the flow of enabling money funds and debit cards etc
Number 2. Get very serious counselling straight away for mental health issues
Number 3 Your other half has to be employed in some useful way part time even and volunteering locally is a great place to start it nips self pity in the bud
Number 4. Healthy exercise and breathing work to combat anxiety and to build better communication do things as a family as much as possible
These are only starters to go along with everything that this forum and organisation has to offer for the coming life battle
Believe me it will all be well worth the effort for the future
Best MH
Hi yellowbird
as said above try and stop all access to money.
You can download software to gadgets to block gambling websites
tell his friends not to give him money
credit reports in your name and his
tell the bank/credit card company to not allow gambling payments
My husband’s card can’t be used online without authentication from me.
stepchange are good for information.
remember phones are designed to be addictive, scrolling is same as slots.
gp, tell them about the gambling. Some meds may be better than others to stop compulsive /impulsive behaviour
Try and get help and support for yourself.
my husband was ill health retired after diagnosis of bipolar 2. He was gambling for years. It’s self medicating. They need to get addicted to something healthy.
set some boundaries.
Thank you all so much for your replies, some really good advice. I have already limited the cards etc.
there is a fine line between treating him like a child and stopping the behaviour unfortunately. Last night he went to the pub, so likely put money in the fruit machine, then came home and was playing on his phone until around 4am with another bottle of cheap red wine.
there are transactions on our joint account (money removed so he can’t reach it, I leave about £30 in there for emergencies) but that’s now gone and he’s apparently been winning but has spent the winnings.
We’ve got a long road ahead of us, I’ll take all of your kind advice and hopefully come back and post a positive follow up in a few weeks.
thanks all.
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