2020 Rebuild

Hi Jack,

As a GA member myself I sympathise with your situation. 

A question if I may? Why do you only attend GA for a few weeks and not keep going? Do you forget what brought you to the room in the first place or do you just attend the meetings and nothing else?

I completely get it, I probably did the same at your age and it took another nearly twenty years of life getting worse before I really had enough. I always thought I had enough each time I relapsed and went back to GA in a worse and worse state but my last time I realised something that had been in front of me from my very first GA meeting nearly 34 years ago at 16/17. I went to GA, I didn't gamble. I stopped going to GA, eventually I gambled. What made me think I just had to go to GA and that was all? Now I work the steps program to change the one thing I never did before. Myself. I also give service to the room which might help you to keep going, knowing that you are responsible for something happening. Even just setting out the chairs could be enough.

Anyway, welcome and I hope to hear more of your therapy as the lockdown continues.

In unity

Chris.

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your words, always helpful to hear from a fellow member.

I think my biggest issue's is that I get complacent over time and stop working the 12 steps. I reach a point whereby I think 30/60 days has passed, I won't have a bet again. I personally benefit more from the GA rooms by listening to other people's therapies, than I do from voicing my own. I like attending the GA meetings, my issue becomes one of struggling to get to the meetings. I don't drive, the meetings aren't the quickest places to get to from where I live, and the hours that I work in a position of responsibility doesn't allow me to leave early enough to attend the weekday meetings. I have other sporting activities that I do on the weekend which also makes the early Saturday morning meeting difficult to attend. I know how true the "meetings make it" phrase is but I also know how important filling that void of time is and socialising with others. I think what I will look to do once it is safe to do so is to try and attend a Saturday morning meeting once every x weeks, or even if its once a month, to keep that constant there.

Going to go back to basic's and look at Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over gambling and that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am not the sort of person who likes to admit to defeat to anything in life. Take the example of my work life, I always look for a practical solution to the problem, I always look to see how we can do better, I never let an issue with product development beat me, I never let a sudden change in workplace beat me, I am never defeated at work, I always in the end find a solution. I always think that there is a way, and I always think that I can find a way.

I admit that I am powerless over gambling. If I were try and apply that rationale above to gambling it just does not work. It does always beat me in the end, I have never once found a solution. Winning as oppose to losing is not a solution, it still leaves me with a feeling of guilt, anxiety and constant fatigue for days and weeks to come. Whilst I might bank a win for a short period, at some stage, usually not long after, the loss of that, and a lot more come to follow. I have no level of control when it comes to gambling, I am either all in or I am all out. There is no figure of money that would make me stop gambling, once I start gambling, that is all that I want to do, all that I cant think about. Money just exists at that point in order to facilitate me doing it, I might look at how I think I can do it in a "sustainable/safe" manner to begin with, but at some stage it becomes 10-12 hour sessions straight gambling, and then the constant plan of how I can try to win that back. I even know whilst I am making the deposit that this is ridiculous, I am not going to do well out of this, yet my finger is on the button to deposit, whilst I am thinking where I can access some extra funds "should" this go wrong. It is only once it is all said and done that the value of money finally becomes real to me again.

In the back of my mind I am still replaying the situation whereby if I was a second quicker on my click then I might have broke even the other day, and then maybe I wouldn't in this position. Yet the truth is I know I would be at this inevitable position at some stage, and realistically a much worse one that I am currently in. I am completely powerless over gambling, I can't gamble on any level, as I have no control over the escalation that it always leads to, and this is where one of my biggest flaws is.

One of my biggest flaws is that I always allow a small stake bet to be the slow burning start of my return to the epicentre of full fledged gambling. In my sporting life I often play snooker/golf and often alongside that there is a nominal £1 wager on the game. A totally inconsequential figure of money whether I make that £1 into £0 or £2. But within a few months I become comfortable enough to float the idea we play for £2 or £5, but no more than that because the other parties would never agree. This is always the start, this is the chain of the cycle I never seem able to break. I never feel the ability to say no when challenged as its such a small figure, and if I were to say no then I would have to explain why. I don't want everyone knowing, or do I? Maybe if I am just honest with them and I explain that I am not partaking in any form of gambling, as I do have a problem with it, they would understand, not judge, and possibly help me should they see my stray further afield in the future. After all I have no control over my gambling, I always ends up consuming me.

My life is clearly unmanageable. I go to bed each night and I end up dreaming of the big win, an investment in a stock or share that changes my fortunes for life, a series of bets that facilitate me leading a completely different life, this notion that a bet will get me there, not hard work and determination. The fatigue each day as I have had a restless night thinking about it, as I have spent the night considering what is justifiable to gamble, the night considering how I can try and ration my remaining money before the next pay check, then thinking how much of that I can gamble with. This is quite clearly not under control.

I am powerless to gambling.

Thanks for the insight Jack, I can obviously associate with everything you've said.

It sounds like you know the answer, keep the meetings going and remember step one. When you are back if you are able to find a sponsor to go through all twelve steps, especially step 4 and 5 I think you'll find that useful too.

You may remember from the orange book about the how do we stop gambling, and for the benefit of others, I'll explain and this has helped me massively.

HOW. Honesty. Open minded. Willingness.

I am honest in all aspects of my life now. If I played a sport I would be honest about just playing the sport because I can't have that first bet, not even a pound. People around me know and support my choice because I'm honest about it.

I'm open minded to ideas of others, to trying different things, to accepting that I don't know everything.

I am willing. I'm willing to change, to try things, to stay away from that first bet.

For me, the honesty is the biggest part of h.o.w and has helped massively. In fact I struggle to not be honest. I can feel myself getting uneasy if I inadvertently lie and then I correct myself fairly quickly.

Keep sharing Jack and perhaps keep a diary on here to show your progress.

All the best,

Chris.

It has been a week since I have had a bet, so I thought I would check back in. The first 2-3 days felt like weeks and months, so it is always nice to successfully reach back at the one week mark. Something which personally for me is very important as I always find that if I have a relapse, I can manage 4/5 days and then come weekend I allow it to slip. Even though pubs/bookies etc may be closed, as a compulsive gambler I am sure if I wanted to I could find a creative way of having a bet, so reaching the one week mark is a very good mini progress marker.

I have still been thinking about and reflecting on Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over gambling and that our lives had become unmanageable. Whilst trying to practice the just for today principles as best as I can do.

I think what really highlights for me how powerless I am over gambling is the fact of how irrelevant money becomes to me once I start gambling. I have absolutely no concept of the value of money once I begin. The notion now of placing a £150 single stake bet that will be decided in 20 seconds blows my mind, I cant even comprehend possibly doing it. Yet once I am in full flow of a gambling binge I don't even hesitate to make that bet, I am fearless of the outcome whether it be positive or negative. Money only exists at this point in order to facilitate me having a bet, there is no realistically achievable figure I could win where I know I would stop. There is also no stopping the binge until all accessible money is depleted down to the bare bones. If anything highlights how powerless I am, and unmanageable it is, this mentality I have once I start gambling is it.

I think one of the hardest things to do after you have recently tried to stop gambling is to not dwell on the money lost, and the likely debt incurred whilst you have been doing it. I use to really struggle with this, as I use to constantly scheme in the back of my mind as to how I could get this money back. Could I have a small bet and if it came in great I have got it back, if not its only a small bet, surely that wont be an issue? What if I saved up crazily hard for the next few months to try and offset some of it? What if I got an extra job?

All these things just heap extra pressure upon yourself instead of leading a normal healthy lifestyle. You have to forget about that money, there is no way it is ever coming back, and there is no way you are ever going to win it back. Just like there is no quick way to snap out of a gambling binge. It takes time and effort and hard work. It takes a determination to not want to have a bet, and most importantly for me a desire to be honest. You have to honest about everything, where it does not hurt others to do so. Honest to yourself, as without that, you've got no chance.

Just for today I will try to live through this day and not tackle all of my life problems at once.

Just for today I will not gamble.