40 days clean, why reward myself?!?

Hi Rst18, welcome to the Forum and well done for reaching 40 days previously.

You, like myself and virtually everyone else here, deludes themselves by thinking they can place boundaries and markers on what they spend. It isn't in your genetic make-up to do so my friend.

I did the same for twenty years before stopping over five years ago. It is astonishing how we can not only be fantasical liars to others, but to ourselves as well.

The bottom line is that you will never be able to win, because you will never be able to stop. There is nothing you can do to change that equation - no amount of money will ever be enough for you to walk away for good.

I know that I cannot even spend pennies in a penny arcade; not because of what they are, but what emotions they will bring out of me. That £200 wasn't the problem, the emotions that we brought out of you when you started gambling it became the problem my friend.

You said you are always trying to craw yourself out of a hole my friend. One day, it may be too big to climb out of; you think winning will make it easier for you but it will always make it much worse - winning money is a form of mental poison to you; you can't process it emotionally - the euphoria makes you want to repeat it almost straight away (which invariably leads to losing), and if you lose, then you face soul-wrenching desperation to get it back again. Others can walk away, win or lose and it won't effect them - you are not built that way my friend - accept it and walk away for good.

Neither will gamblng give you any sense of genuine achievement, or respect from your peers. It is a fake, false sensation based on a lie, that you can win and walk away. You are clearly a decent, intelligent man - you are worth more than that, you are worth more risking everything for something that doesn't really exist. As you said, it is pointless - keep that at the forefront of your mind my friend.

I hope you can make another 40 days my friend, and even turn it into 400 days. Stay positive, keep your mind occupied; urges are only ever temporary, they soon pass and each one you get through will make you stronger in the long run.

JamesP

Hi there

Well yes, this definitely sounds familiar - "I'm doing so well not gambling - time to reward myself... by gambling!!". I share your idiocy... (and I use the word affectionately and sympathetically so please don't be offended).

I also know that "what harm can it do? It's just a small amount" LIE that your addicted brain tells you. We truly and honestly believe that we will stop after that "budget" amount - but once playing/gambling, the flood of chemicals takes over and all ability to stop goes out of the window.

Trust me, it's the same every single time, I know because I've fallen for it dozens if not hundreds of times.

Good luck at your bank - unfortunately mine said they cannot block gambling transactions , which left me having to find other barriers, so do be prepared for them to completely fail to help you (sadly).

They might recommend a cash-only account which will be fine for you if your poison is online-only (like mine), but it does make life awkward if you do a lot of other types of online transactions. Since I do (and I have to for my self-employed work), I chose not to go this route, but instead have got a close friend to keep an eye on my bank account so that I know "someone can see" if I make deposits to betting sites. It has not stopped me 100% but it has made a huge difference.

I have also shut down credit card accounts, reduced overdraft limits etc to reduce that easy access to debt.

The other alternative is to literally hand over control to someone else i.e. give them your cards. If you don't trust yourself with cash this is a good idea. (I know all my card details off by heart though, so physically not having the card would not stop me depositing online. I needed someone to be able to see my statements so I could not be secretive about it. It's just whatever works for you.)

If you start to build up any actual cash then put it in a 30-day notice savings account - I worried about this but actually it has saved me a LOT of money, not being able to access it immediately. And I have never had that so-called "emergency" where I need the money in less than 30 days and have no other way of paying for whatever the emergency is...

As usual I'm writing a long answer... basically I'm saying don't be disappointed if the bank fails to help you as they do tend to claim they "can't" stop gambling transactions.

Consolidating your debt is fine for peace of mind but do please be careful not to let it make you feel so relieved that you start gambling because you feel "there's no problem now"! We've all been there I think. I understand that you feel the worry about debt is "forcing" you to gamble (I have told myself that too) but what is REALLY forcing you to gamble is your addiction, and THAT's the thing you have to tackle.

Do consider getting some Gamcare counselling if they're in your area... they are really good and the number 1 experts in our problem, and they will help you to remember that you are a whole person with a difficult problem that you can work to free yourself from, not just "a gambler" doomed to do this forever.

Hope something in here helps you!

FF

Sorry to hear you did so well then my a rookie mistake, as a compulsive gambler I know when i place a bet win or lose it is never enough, so we can't gamble,

I do think you idea was good though, surely £200 would be better spent on a weekend break, new clothes, a night out etc.

As gamblers I think we really neglect ourselves, so as a non gambler we shouldn't.

Stay strong and take care

Karl

Thanks for your help guys it really means a lot. I went to my bank today and have agreed an easier loan repayment as the amount I was paying before left me very little left at the end of each month forcing me to gamble. I have cancelled and blocked the 2 or 3 websites I am gambling on Installed that k9 app and started my clean counter from zero. JamesP great words of advise and the cold hard truth which I needed to hear. I just cant wait to be myself again as it was taking over my life and ruining social situations. Will keep reading and posting on here as it seems a great community. Thanks again.

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Hey,

Im a very similar gambler to yourself, im all or nothing. so a couple of quid on a light gamble can turn into hundreds of pounds. ive just come to accept i cant touch it at all. my advice is start up a diary on here and slowly work through your debt. put a small amount of savings back each month and once your loan is cleared you will have built up a nice little pot to buy something substantial =)

All the best

Sam

Hi Sam, thanks for your reply, this is an old diary, if you look on my user account I have a new diary and am having a more successful 2014. 2015 should see me finally away from the stress of debt and the urges of gambling. Good luck on your recovery.