Hi my name is Lee and I'm a stupid and compulsive gambler.
Il start with a little bit about me , I'm a genuine honest man who doesn't do drugs etc. I live with my girlfriend in a nice apartment and have a decent job of around 25,000 a year. I have a few friends, enjoy watching the football and seem to have a nice life.
HOWEVER. Since the age of 18 I've always had 1 daemon that has always followed me around and that's gambling! From the age of 18 it started , like everyone else ist was sticking a few quid on a bet , for me it was football bets. Few quid here and there nothing else. Then gradually it got to ten pounds and then more ! I then started sticking notes in Fruit Machines, wasting 150 quid just to drop the jackpot of 70 quid! Then the next thing that finally got me was the games on the site , I regularly used *********** and on that site I would see adds popping up for games etc and I would click on them , deposit and then I was off , wasting all my wages on these silly games , sometimes winning but mainly loosing , trying to get back losses and loosing even more! And then to try and win it back another way I would put another football bet on with big money and obviously that one looses and your just panicking to get it back! It's all just a massive circle! One night around 3 years ago at the age of 20 I spent my whole entire wage of 1500 on gambling it away on games , I panicked as per usual and I went online and found the dreaded payday loans , in the space of 6 months I'd of used everyone and racked up a bill I couldn't pay of over 3000! I finally had to come clean with my old girlfriend and also parents and I managed to get it all sorted and paid off.
Obviously as any compulsive gambler this didn't stop me at all. I carried on wasting my wages every month , feeling cr** , depressed at work , depressed at home and thinking of why I actually did this !
By the age of 21 I was in betting shops wasting all money on the roulette machines after watching my mates waste there money and telling myself I'd never be that crazy! I started and couldn't stop , it was a great Buzz seeing the numbers come in and winning massive amounts of money but obviously the bookie always wins and I was loosing more than I was winning.
By the age of 22 , I followed a few people on Twitter who were betting tipsters and then that's were my next really bad obsession started, HORSES! I was betting on them all the time , cheeky doubles , luck 15's , massive money on singles . I was actually winning on a lot of them , studying them etc. But as per usual I'd win on them and then waste the rest of the money on roulette and I would of lost it all and then I'd then try and win it back and loose more !
Now I'm at the age of 23 right now and I've hit my lowest times right now and that's why I'm on this forum hoping someone can help me and give me some advise and guide me to be being sober. At the age of 23 I waste my wages on gambling still. I use my phone not my computer which is even more dangerous as I can do it when I want. Im still betting on the horses all the time at work and then I cant help going onto the blackjack and wasting most of my money on that and then il put a few football bets on. But mainly blackjack and horses is wasting my money !
Anyway, like I said today is my lowest point. Last month I wasted 80% of my wage on gambling, which was around 2,300 pounds! And that hit me so hard like EVERY single month but this month I was determined to do this and change myself and not bet on horses but mainly blackjack which is highly addictive and I just can't keep away! So I got my wage this month of around 2500, I paid my bills as I do straight away every month and after paying for shopping , the girlfriends birthday etc I had around 1600 left. On Saturday I placed a few 10 bets and ended winning 480 pounds , after taking out 450 pounds I then went and used the 30 and ended up winning 150 off that. I was massively happy , in my bank account I had 2050 and I couldn't believe it , that was it , all I was waiting for was that last 150 to come in my account and I was going to close that betting account and give this all up ! I was going to buy a new computer, pay for a holiday , but a new iPod and just enjoy going out these next for weeks. HOWEVER today has finally pushed me to my limit , as per usual I get this urge and at break time today at work i deposited 30 and started having a play on blackjack, straight away I lost this and then the ball started rolling ! I put 50 pounds in , lost this , 100 in ,lost this , 200, 300, I'm their shaking at work , trying to hide myself in the workshop to keep trying to play it and win it back , 400 , 500 and bang , I'm on my last 500 , I've lost 1500! Yes that's 1500! The more I think about it the more I feel sick ! I send the last 500 pounds to my girlfriend and have to let her know ! To let her know that I've let us down again and I've let myself down again! Now I can't enjoy the next few weeks going out, I can't buy a MacBook or an iPod or treat my girlfriend. I now have to grind out the next few days with hardly any money and now have to think about what I spend every pound on !
But I do this every month so its not new to me!
The main questions I ask myself are:
Why do I do this to myself and make myself struggle for the next few weeks with money?
Why do I want to make myself feel like this , feeling down as I've lost so much?
Why do I go all crazy and just don't care about what money is or worth and act as if they are gambling tokens?
I'm fed up of feeling like this every month and I mean every month!! Whatever I do or win doesn't stop it and I just end up loosing it all again and again and again ! I dont know what I can do and I dont know how I can stop all this . I loose thousands and thousands, I've had debts , I've had to sell personal items , I upset myself and my girlfriend, I've got rid of my phone to one with no internet , I've blocked myself on the computer from it all and even worse ive gone through all these bad experiences yet I just can't stop gambling and I finally need some help of someone !
If you have read all this thanks and I hope it helps yourself or even as good helps me !
Thanks
Lee
Hi Lee,
Welcome to this forum where there are like minded folk who are here for the same reason, to STOP gambling.
Well done for coming here and telling your story, it's very hard to,admit to ourselves that we desperately need help with gambling.
But you have done that hard bit so,well done.
It's not an easy journey but YOU can do this if you really want to.
Why don't you start a diary in the recovery section, and post your feelings on it, it does help.
Also reading other diaries helps too.
There is a triangle used on this forum
Time money and location.
Take one of these away and it makes it impossible to play.
Don't be too hard on yourself and try to take one day at a time.
I am 157 days gamble free, and I have come to realise that I did not gamble to win, I gambled because I wanted to gamble, it wasn't the money. It was the addiction to gambling.
Try and take small steps, one day at a time, every day we don't play we win.
We cannot win because we cannot stop, so there is no point in playing. Try to remember that.
I wish you well on your recovery and once again welcome.
Best wishes Suzanne x
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