After 15 years I self excluded today

Hi @releaseme,

Thank you for sharing your story with us on our forum today.

I appreciate you are going through a difficult time from your post. We are always here to support you through this if you do want to reach out and talk to us Tel: 0808 8020 133. We are also available on live chat, WhatsApp and Facebook messenger if you find this more accessible. 

The Samaritans can support you if you are struggling with thoughts of suicide https://www.samaritans.org/ Tel: 116 123. I would encourage you to speak with them if you are struggling at the moment.

If you feel you cannot keep yourself safe at the present moment, please do reach out for support by calling 999. I would suggest maybe also speaking to your GP for support, if you haven't already.

Whilst I know you have said you gambled after your session with your counsellor, I wanted to acknowledge the positive steps you have taken by seeking support for your gambling and also now self excluding yourself. Well done for putting these things in place to help you move forward with your gambling.

Please continue to share your story with us on the forum and do not hesitate to reach out to us for support if you need us

Kind Regards

Forum Admin

George

Well done on writing this and with the steps you took earlier today.

I can identify with the feelings of guilt, depression and self hatred that result from the losses of gambling.  I can also identify with wanting the feelings to stop so badly that you consider anything to stop it, and I mean anything.

But no amount of losses on gambling are equal to your life.  You are worth more than just numbers and winnings.

I am a compulsive gambler, my actions can easily be perceived, particularly to myself, as selfish...  I have lied to cover my gambling, but the person I most hurt was myself.

You have hurt yourself more than the people around you.  You are not bad, you just have a problem..... Gambling.

You clearly want to get better or you wouldn't have posted or agreed to a councillor.  Don't be hard on yourself.  Nothing is broken that can't be fixed.

Look into why you have been doing this to yourself? What are the triggers?  

I am a work in progress.  My last bet was 2 weeks ago... It does get easier, even if you are in debt.

What is your story?

@thebean 

Thank you for your response which I empathise with.

You should be proud if you have stopped. The only time I ever ‘stopped’ was when the money ran out or if somebody was ‘watching’ me 24/7…If I had the time, money and opportunity I would gamble. I hope and pray to stop for good this time.

I have posted previously when I was either deluded or had lost so if you have the time or inclination a little of my story is there. At the mo I feel like I have had 10 rounds with Tyson Fury (or more likely 10 seconds in my case!)..I’m feeling broken, humiliated, tired and completely full of self hatred. Not exactly a great platform for collecting my children for the weekend but you may know the feeling of covering everything up and pretending that you didn’t do what you did!

As for ‘triggers’, I don’t know. I have deluded myself for so long and blamed others or circumstances digging down for the truth will be painful. Something I don’t think I can do at the mo..

If you don’t mind can I ask you what your trigger or triggers are?

@releaseme 

Cheers.  I am trying to let myself be proud of being two weeks GF, but it does not come easily.  I am just waking up to realise the hell I have been putting myself through the past 19 years.  

Memories keep popping up.  The time we had a Family Holiday to Cornwall and I blew everything on an online casino the night before we left.  We went, my wife had no idea about the gambling.....  Every time I paid for an ice-cream for the kids or something else I expected my debit card to be declined as I was already over my overdraft.  Not knowing if I could even afford the fuel to drive back home.  Making sandwiches to take to the beach and not being able to buy my sons a portion of chips to share because I blew everything.

I did things like this hundreds of times, then had to pretend to be okay though I was dying inside.  I'll never get that carefree time back and the guilt kills me.

The guilt and frustration are difficult to navigate and sometimes it is easier to slide under the feelings and drown thinking you will never be able to lift your head above the surface.  But for me it is subsiding a little as I work out why I have been gambling and inflicting this hurt on myself.

I have half-heartedly tried to stop before.  Usually when I had ran out of money.  Then I would get a loan, or a win would payout and find myself gambling again.

Reaching out to Gamcare in early Jan was the best thing I did.  Like you I still did not stop gambling though.  I blew a further £2000 in the weeks after my first counselling session.  It was as though something bigger than myself was driving me to gamble.  The next counselling session was amazing, they were so kind when I said what I had done and it was just what I needed...  Corny as it sounds I realised I had to start loving myself if I was ever going to get through this.  

I took the advice and the next few days were hell, I could not eat or sleep.  I tried to gamble again but my card got declined.  The next night I was desperate to gamble again to remove the pain but found the strength to visit the Gamcare site and spoke with an online councillor.  They asked why I had wanted to stop gambling in the first place?  I answered 'Because I can't hurt any more' and then the urge to gamble went.  Since then I can honestly say I have not wanted to gamble.  Though I am not complacent, I know everything could change if I don't stick with the program!

My Triggers... Feeling stressed, being angry, having no time to myself and drinking alcohol.  Though for years now gambling has been a habit and I have not needed triggers, it is as natural as breathing to me, it became what I do, who I was.

It is definitely linked to trauma experienced as well.  I resisted this for a long time, but it is true.  It's not nice to go there but I needed to address it and call it out.

When I deposited online and gambled I felt truly at peace and in control when this is not what I felt in real life.  The dopamine flooding my brain with every spin made me feel good.  After thousands of bets, hands, spins the dopamine hit is triggered just by depositing.  Playing slots the two bonus symbols would come up and I would wait in pleasure for the third to land as the reel slowed and the slot music got dramatic and again, another hit of dopamine.  There is a reason gambling companies employ psychologists to make the games 'addictive', its neuroscience.

But then the massive comedown as everything is lost.

Even though it hurts gambling becomes a well formed neural pathway in the brain at this point.  A real gambling HABIT.  Your brain does it as a learned behaviour like your are possessed by something else.  It takes massive strength to break free but is possible if you self evaluate, put in barriers to your gambling and ask for help.

Sorry!  Epic post.  I don't mean to hijack your thread LOL...  It's still early days for me and it feel good to write.

One last thing from me is MATE....  BE KIND TO YOURSELF! especially in these early days of being GF.  Your brain will want you to give it what it wants which is gambling.  I would even dream about gambling the first week GF.  Self care is so important in your recovery.  You deserve to be happy so go easy on yourself.

@thebean o*g man! Felt so many things reading this! I think if I read this every morning it'll set a stronger mental block for me against gambling for the day. Right now I'm exhausted af. I'd probably have gambled every bit of money I had today if I haven't locked a good percentage of it away for sometime. Now I'm seeking help so I still don't blow it away to gambling when I have access to it.

My main trigger is mostly debts and wanting to settle financial issues way quicker than I can. Hence gambling; but over time now, I don't even need excuses to gamble. I just keep gambling as long as I can afford to, it honestly makes me sick after losing it all. Fun fact: I never win! But I just can't stop. It's honestly crazy and I really hope I find a mental block from gambling by using gam care.

@518r96degk hi Ben.  Glad someone can actually read my rant and it makes sense ?

Seriously, you are not alone in this.  The amount of times I have deposited thinking 'if I could just win a bit more and pay off this credit card' but it never works.  Even if I do get enough, as I have numerous times, I will just bet it all until it is gone.  No win is ever big enough to satisfy it's an actual relief when it's gone.

The gambler in us wants a quick fix and instant gratification.  Not months/years of paying off a balance.  But the reality is you are always in debt.  Gambling to solve anything is an illusion and the gambling companies know this and are living the high life at our expense.  Don't give them another penny!

Find your triggers and work on them.  Set up the gambling blocks and ask for support.  Most importantly do something nice for yourself away from gambling.

Yeah, I'm glad I stumbled on this thread. I was eight months GF before June last year. Looking back I've got no idea what sucked me back in. I'm looking to hopefully begin that run again from today ! So help me God.

@thebean 

Everything you wrote I either did or felt… Thank you you for taking the time..It’s helping me in some dark and difficult times

@releaseme. Good to hear from you.  

How are you doing right now?

Believe it or not, but I promise you it gets better.

Keep me posted!

Hello

Im okay..It will be a week tomorrow since I self excluded and I haven’t gambled. Don’t know if it is because of the finality of self exclusion but I feel very flat….Going to the Doctors tomorrow.

I have even managed to do some real life things like renewing my licence (which I haven’t done for months because either I didn’t have the money or I was not on the right headspace to sit down and do it) and changing my mobile provider. In the past I wouldn’t have worried about saving £17 a month for obvious reasons but in my world it is a little step..

Enough about me! How are you doing? Are you still gamble free?

@releaseme

That is seriously good ? one week GF after 15 years is something to be proud of. 

It's normal to be low after quitting gambling, no gambling high and you are not in the gambling fog/haze so understandable to have a 'comedown', take it as a sign that you are stepping away from the gambling.  The low feeling won't last.

I was low and went to the GP back in Dec.  I was dead anxious after the gambling loses. He gave some low dose Valium to have as and when I felt I needed it.

I didn't feel I needed them by the time I was actually prescribed the tablets.

But I did use the valium once or twice when I went cold turkey from the gambling.  Valium increases dopamine in the brain, exactly what gambling does, I really feel it leveled me out.

I haven't gambled in 20 days now.  Longest in years, I really feel lighter and happier now though the anxiety in first 10 days GF wasn't great.

I asked how long would it take for my dopamine levels to adjust to that of a 'normal' non-gambler.  I was told 2 to 3 months.  Over past 10 days I have had waves of feeling great, like I did when I got a big gambling win, only from everyday things instead.  I want to believe it's my brain adjusting to a gamble free life.

I can honestly say I am not missing the gambling.  It's a big relief.

Can I ask? Did you sign up to Gamstop or self exclude from one single provider?

Did you put gambling blocks on your debit card? This really helped me.

Anyway, I'll stop wanging on ?. A serious well done on the past week.  Hope the GP appointment goes ok.

@thebean 

We need people like you on this forum mate. Just keep spreading the positive energy.

Gambling is the most pointless habit ever, literally smoking cigarettes gives you more of a benefit than it... And I hate cigarettes. Every single addiction on the planet (in my eyes) has more of a benefit than what I call "The Devils Curse" Don't ever let yourself slip up.

Where it went right for me, is when I realised my self worth, realised what I am capable of achieving without this horrible disease. Successful businesses, healthy mind, physical gains from working out, high value connections, changing others lives, wealth, peace of mind, ambition and drive, elevated levels of motivation to take on hard tasks in life and so much more. You can really realise how much better your life can be without this addiction.

What also helped me is visioning my future absolutely ruined from gambling, no kids, debts to my ears, homeless, no relationship with family or potential girlfriend, no way of being able to travel the world and live life, no car or license to drive, no successful business, no savings, no job, no home (evicted)... Just imagine begging on the streets for pennies to buy a meal, seriously no one wants that life and that's what kicked me into gear.

Ask yourself, is that the life you want? Or do you want to get rid of this pointless addiction and live life to the fullest with everything you ever need and wanted?

It's quite a simple choice, right? Do what's right and become a success, become an inspiration to your family, children and friends around you, I know you and everyone on here can do it!

@manonamission  Haha.... Cheers, I am trying to stay positive.  Getting to the root cause of why gambling took over has been great.  It means I am not feeling the crushing guilt that I did.

Not always easy when I look through the Credit Cards, Loans etc.  And just had a call from the garage, Wife's Car MOT is going to hurt!  Still I am getting a nagging voice saying deposit and win and it will cover the MOT.  In reality I would probably lose, if I won I would keep going till it went and then deposit more and hate myself.  So I won't.

Realising your self worth is definitely one key to kicking gambling......  I mean....:-

If I value myself why do I hurt myself by gambling.  I would't do this to my worse enemy so why am I doing it to myself?

Why do I need to Gamble to feel good about myself (that feeling good never lasts anyway).

Why will I waste a fortune on Gambling but then won't spend anything on myself.

It's a no brainer, don't gamble.  Love yourself.

I am 3 weeks GF now and going strong.

We both got this ? 

@thebean 

Hello

I have very rarely gambled online but I have used gamstop. My poison was FOBTs…Don’t  know why and the way that am feeling I don’t really care at the mo..I cancelled the gambling appointment this morning because I truly don’t want to talk about gambling at the moment (he says while writing about it!)..hopefully you get what I mean. It is like cold turkey. All of the lies and bs and damage is now there or if it’s not there I know it will resurface one day. I guess I’m still a bit raw at the moment and at a loss as to what to do or say but reading that you say that it does improve and it is almost a physical thing gives me hope.

Self excluding has been (and is) really hard but it is done now and there is literally no way of getting round it. Im off to the doctors shortly and hopefully they will give me some special medicine that will make everything all okay..?