Am I a Terrible Person?

Hi

You are not a terrible person.

You are not a bad person or even an evil person.

You are however finding it hard to live your life in a healthy way.

I am a non religious person and I Have been clean and found a much healthier life today.

My lies I told were due to the pains and fears I could not process in a healthy way.

It was important for me to to get to understand what my emotional triggers were.

The buzz I use to feel while in action was fear and adrenaline based.

The adrenaline rush was fear based,

Emotional triggers for me my were pains I could not heal, an emotional trigger were my were fears I could not face and reduce, an emotional trigger were my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I could reduce, an emotional trigger were my fears of emotional intimacy and feeling a loner and disconnected, an emotional trigger for me was boredom because I could feel productive and I was not able to commit to my needs my wants and in time set goals for me to achieve.

In saying to myself I have to implies reluctance and resentments.

If your boss asked to work a month without any pay what would you feel.

Yet how many times did I  work and then give my money away to complete strangers.

Only once I was able to abstain from my unhealthy habit could the healing happen of my hurt inner child.

It was the easy option to talk about money or being in action.

Recovery is about starting to heal my pains.

Gambling was a form of self abuse and self destruction.

In going to meetings therapy based I would not longer focus on money or gambling.

I would focus on me becoming a much healthier person.

Guilt shame regret is the consequences of going against my own healthy conscience.

As I heal and become healthier I no longer live in the pains of my past.

Only when I love myself can I love other people.

Only when I respect myself can I respect other people.

How much do I value myself today.

How much time and effort am I willing to invest in me becoming a much healthier person today.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

@q86r2ugj5p Thanks for replying with some really great advice, Dave.

Yes, that’s exactly it. We surely can’t be forever tainted for making mistakes. This feeling will pass and I’m going to work on what my triggers are to help with this.

You’re so right about what the reaction would be if our boss asked us to work a month unpaid. Yet I’ve given so much of my wages this past year to strangers. This really angers me, but I’m sure that is another phase of the journey. I’m going to channel this to help me abstain from relapsing  and to move on to bigger and happier things.

Thanks again,

L

After many years away from gambling I have come to understand myself more as a person. Deep down I will do my best but the reality for myself is accepting I am not the best of individuals due to my flaws which I haven't been able to address..

I am a terrible person overall but I choose not to be worse because of gambling. I try to be better and help my own family and become a better person but some times I just give up or let my emotions take over due to bipolar.

The reality for me is when I gave up gambling I have to work extra hard to work on my character defects. You don't realize they are there until some reflection on you're own actions and abandonment of friends and family.

That's just a short insight of what's on the other side of recovery 

I hope this helps 

Dave101

Oh your words just resonate with me so much, just at the stage of telling my husband about my gambling, which has got totally out of control. 

Tge shame is eating my up, the self loathing, then feel I do not deserve understanding or support, as I have got myself into this mess. And hurt people, lied , It has been eating me up for months.  Awful thoughts. But I know I have to show loved ones I can do this .. being in such a dark space is so hard on everyone around us.  We have to prove we are not evil people by becoming a better version of ourselves, not the lying gamblers we have become . 
I know we are good people, the shame is unbearable,    I feel so weak and I have deceived everyone.. but you know,  we can do this. Besides being gamblers. We are human and in need of help.  To be a better version of ourselves, we have to STOP.  And then we can STOP hating ourselves 

I am only 4 weeks no gambling, but to save myself from myself I have to carry on.  It’s so hard to except, but we are good people.   We can do this ,  we are the people we were before gambling and we can still be .. we have to get back that person who liked themselves for just being us.  We can do this.  I feel I am not quite there to give you self help quotes. Take one day at a time.  Be open.  To start your own recovery you have to be honest with yourself and loved ones.  They love you, they loved you before you gambled and still do.  They just want to love the non gambler again    Best of luck to all fighting this awful monster   We are not terrible. 

@dave101 Hi Dave, thank you for your insight. That really does help. I also need to do some self reflection to help me overcome this. I realise now that I need to fix what caused me to start this awful addiction in the first place.

@05ytv7uixg Hi Sue, thanks for your comments. I really connect with what you’ve said here. Particularly the self loathing and feeling undeserving of support. 

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so vulnerable as when telling people about my gambling addiction. Because, you’re right, I got myself into this mess. At least that’s what we all think/thought of people with problematic gambling issues. If anything, my personal experience has given me a different perspective on this, I always thought gamblers were simply reckless and irresponsible. Although this is somewhat true, I think it is really overlooked how serious and uncontrollable this addiction can be. From talking to others in similar situations, I’ve learnt that gambling addiction is actually a really complicated and stigmatised issue. We all started doing what we’ve done for a reason and it can only truly be stopped when we reconcile with that root cause.  

My self-loathing is incredibly prevalent at the moment, but that’s mainly due to guilt and retrospect. What if I never started, etc, etc. I’m now starting to see that all I’m really doing is tormenting myself and getting in the way of my own progress. You’re so right, being in a dark space is hard on everyone around us. I can’t change what I’ve done now, but I can make it up to my loved ones by showing them that I’m trying to move on and better myself. The best thing I can do now is give them relief from constantly worrying about me. 

After talking to people on here, I’ve been reassured that I am a good person. Just one that has made some bad decisions. The only way this can define me is if I continue and I’m determined not to. It’s always good to try and find the positive, so at least I’ve been forced to see what is really important in life. 

I’m looking forward to ridding this awful black cloud that’s hanging over my life. To be happy and start living my life properly and fully again will be the best win of them all. 

Hi

On walking in to the  recovery program I did not have a clue how unhealthy I was.

Just for today I will not gamble was very important.

In time my focus would move from being in action or money lost to focusing on things which I could do.

I was so filled with pains and fears that I felt disabled as a productive human being.

Once I understood that I was emotionally vulnerable I learned how to become less  emotionally vulnerable.

Once I accept that I  I was emotionally vulnerable I learned how to heal the hurt inner child in me.

The recovery program is about exchanging our unhealthy reactions to people life and situations to having healthy interactions with a ll people.

I am a non religious person.

Yet I am becoming a much healthier spiritual person today.

My own conscience is based up on healthy spiritual values today.

When I lied stole broke promises I was in effect hurting my self.

There are were many pains from my past I thought I would never heal.

Well I understand that by healing our pains we no longer have to live in the guilt or shame of my past unhealthy actions and unhealthy words.

For me the word Recovery means to heal.

My time in my recovery was also about healing the hurt inner child in me that got to live his life in fear and suspicion.

Healthy therapies in meetings lead to more honesty, less fears, and healing more pains.

Healing Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

You sound determined to stop this awful addiction,   Like me.  I want to stop not only for me but for the people around me .. I cannot rid the self loathing, the guilt.  The feelings of oh I wish I’d given that money to people who really needed it, and not squandered it on stupid casino sites .  But you are so right, when you say the best thing is to stop making the people around us worry .. by being who we are without the self hate.  It’s a hard weight to carry   We are good people, and loved ones would not still be around if we were not 

Thank you so much.  For making me see it’s not just me out there.   … am determined not to gamble,  but still very raw with the emotional side effects    It really helps to know we not alone 

@q86r2ugj5p Thank you so much, Dave. Your insight in this thread has helped me to understand what true recovery is and requires. 

Without talking to others, it’s easy to think that you just stop gambling and that’s it. But it’s absolutely not. I’ve taken that approach multiple times and always failed. I’m so happy that I decided to reach out on here. 

@05ytv7uixg I really feel determined and connecting with others on here is a big part of that. Thank you for also helping me see that I’m not alone in this, it’s easy to feel that way when no one in your life truly understands what you’re going through. 

I really understand the feeling of wishing I’d put my money to better use. Someone I spoke to shared that volunteering and contributing to their local community helped with this. When I said in my initial post that I feel I need to do more than just recover, I think this might be something that could help to combat the selfishness of my addiction. 

It’s definitely a heavy weight to carry, but one that feels a tiny bit lighter as the days go on. Good luck to everyone! Thank you for your comments on this thread, you’ll never know just how much this has helped me. 

I totally agree. Thank you so much.  Just putting it in writing helps, and knowing we are not alone.  Good luck.  Everyday with out gambling is so good for our sole 

@a0g36izycs

Thank you for coming back to me.

Being an addict is a very unhealthy lonely life to be in.

Being so unhealthy and lonely we miss out of emotional intimacy.

By attending meetings you become aware of how much you are missing out in  your life by being an addict.

By sharing with like minded people we open up to some very healthy emotional intimacy.

You helped your self to understand what true healthy recovery is and requires from us.. 

In time you will learn that recovery is not about our failings but more about understanding when we are emotionally vulnerable.

I am happy that you shared and decided to reach out on here and reduce your fears.

Dave L. 

The hardest part of quitting is forgetting the person you were. That person was you, but is also wasn’t you.

No normal person would do what we’ve done. We lie, we scheme, we do whatever we can to keep our little secret, no matter the cost. Once you start to realise it can’t continue, you begin to understand the pain and hurt you’ve caused. Everyone on here has gone through this stage. 

We can say it’s not us, we didn’t do this, but in the eyes of others, we did. The first step in repairing this damage is to fix ourselves. We know this was not us, but unit we beat this, it is us. 

It’s amazing how much we change if we quit. You will repair things. You will be a different person. You will show others that actually you are in control. People will realise that it was not you. They will understand that it was an illness. First though you have to prove it to yourself. Take the advice in here. Come out fighting and beat this. Only then can you repair your relationship with yourself. Once you’ve done that; the rest will folllow.

Stay strong 💪 

So true.  It’s such a help reading comments, and realising you’re not alone. The shame is so huge, it’s consuming me. Plus the fact that before being a gambo, I was a very strong , independent, intelligent person. Who looked out for my family at all times and protected them from harm.  Then suddenly I am the abuser of their trust … I cannot get away from the feeling it is me who got into this mess. Nobody forced me to  .   I know they love me.  And the honesty finally has been so cathartic.  But it’s me who has to deal with it .. 

I am very lucky to have support now,  and so want to continue with no gambling to heal myself. And build up trust and forgiveness from family.  I hate that they worry about me constantly.  And how a strong woman can be reduced to needing watching and monitoring 

I know this will pass.  Small steps.  Any advice on moving forward??   
stay strong.   So appreciate reply’s and reading other people’s stories.  It helps us all enormously