"The first day of getting somewhere is deciding that you are not going to stay where you are"
Hi all,
First of all thank you to all of you for your posts on here, it's down to this that I feel I'm one step closer to overcoming this addiction. Hopefully my post can inspire you on your journey...
I have gambled since the age of 17, my first defeat was when I was playing Bingo online while still living at my Mums house - I lost £30 and had a sense of dread, was sweating and physically sick - £30 was a huge amount of money to me at that time and I had £5000 saved. In the years to follow I was a 'casual gambler' and enjoyed holidays to Vegas, meals at the casino etc without any major problems. I loved the casino, the free drinks, the glamour, the whole thing...
Fast forward to 25 and I have been problem gambling since January 2017 - it's now March and I'm £3000 in debt. I had a big win one night on the slots and won £9K in two spins - I then stayed up all night, went down to £4K, slept then woke up and blew that. In between losing these large amounts I had even been to my therapist and even that could not change my mindset - I was deep in this addiction.
I have had a few lucky times since then, £50 deposit and won £2.5K then £100 won £1000 and lost it all both times. I've realised no amount is enough, it never ends and it is almost impossible to keep my withdrawals in place without 'canceling the withdrawal' (such a vicious tool these evil owners have devised).
Today I had an extreme urge to gamble and have already installed K9 on my phone and Mac which was working fantastically, even if i wanted to gamble I couldn't (however had to use trial and error - for example I could still download apps on my phone and lost £100 one night - asked my partner to do a restrictions password and removed the 'download apps' feature).
I thought i had signed-up and excluded from all possible sites and was now joining very dodgy ones on my AppStore; I sorted that out and felt I had no further online gambling options. Then today, it striked again. I loaded up my other laptop to play some video games - I saw the FireFox browser and the urge was overwhelming. I hadn't turn on this 2nd laptop to play video games. I comtemplated it and within 5 minutes had a Poker suite installed and a new account set up. I also had the K9 installation window open. I made a decision - I installed the K9 program and now the relief is overwhelming.
Why am I writing this? Perhaps to get it off my chest - my partner and family have been very supportive but the person who can change your situation is yourself. They must be tired of listening about my '£2000 loses' when money isn't growing on trees. I've nearly lost everything, my partner, my finances and my self-respect. We have nearly broken up gambling and I want people to know how destructive it is and to know that help is out there (GamCare 02088270099 - enquire about counsellig or just have a chat, it could save you thousands of pounds).
Also I'm warning you to put all blocking software in place on ALL devices you have access to - this addicition will find it's way through). Installing K9 today on my final device was a pinnacle moment whilst having my 16 digit card number entered and ready to go. I made a decision to quit, you can too and it feels fantastic to be free.
Through this process we will all have different stories and moments where we realise how destructive we've been and how we can change our life around. One day the penny just drops so don't give yourself a hardtime if you trip up a few times on the way - just learn from it and put something inplace to avoid it happening again (such as K9 or GamBlock, get an old phone with no internet facility, scratch off the back of your debit card 3 digit number, cut up your credit cards, ask someone you trust to manage your finances, remove the saved card details on your mac and keep a diary).
If I can quit you can too and reclaim your life back.
Wish you all the best with your recovery,
GetBetterLekker
Hi GetBetterLekker
That's brilliant and so inspiring to read. I have just joined as I thought I could quit on my own all these years but I know I need help and this is my first step being here. Reading your post gives me hope that I can do it and you are absolutely right in what you say.
Never give up giving up, you are doing really well.
Not feeling so strong today - I have deposited £400 since and this has put me on the bad end of my overdraft. I thought I had overcome this - I had all the blocks in place but asked for access from my partner to set up my second laptop. It didn't apply the block correctly and all sites were accessible...
I've gone home in my lunch break to gamble today and am now in this whirlwind again... When will it end? I'm debating depositing a final £200 to try and win it back... Last night I deposited £50 and won £1.6K then spent it all. Why wasn't that enough? That would have cleared half my debt and left me a nice amount of money for Mother's Day this weekend.
I feel terrible. I feel sick. Work is really hard when I have this looming over me. I thought I had this under control and reading through my last post makes me feel like a failure. I guess I got too confident and let my guard down.
Any advice?
Thanks all
GetBetterLekker
Unfortunately for us ...its never enough...i won 6k one day and withdrew it and 3 days later when it came to my bank.....guess what i did? Yes ...you guessed correctly. Whhhhooooooosssshhhhhh!!!! Gone . Plus about 2k more on top .
My point is ...its NEVER EVER EVER enough.
Theres only one way out....stop this madness
Another bad few days - feeling extremely depressed and like I don't want to be here anymore. The bank transfer went through for £2000 which left me £1300 left on my credit card (allowing me to spend a further £1500) on my card... I didn't cancel the card as planned as couldn't get the final amount paid off so have spent the last few days on a slot binge. Long story short I won £4000 which would have solved all my problems - paid of debts and given me a fresh start but you can guess what happened... Lost it all and then another £1500 on my credit card and £1300 on my debit card. I got paid yesterday.
I don't know what possessed me - I couldn't control myself and am now financially crippled. Explained what happened to my partner today and he said if I spend another penny he'll leave me. We've been together for 7 years. He is going to loan me an amount to cover some of the debt and the rest will be going on credit card balance transfers which won't be paid off until April 2019.
I'm scared - I promised that I would never put myself in this position again and now I feel like this is the end. When will this addiciton stop? I'm seeing a therapist and on session 5 but my gambling urges seem to be getting worse. I just want to curl up under a rock and for my addiction to go away. I keep having urges that I can fix it all with another spin but it is essentially impossible for me to gamble...
I just needed to get this off my chest, it is hard to get by at work especially after being so close to having my finances under control with the win I had.
Any advice would be massively appreciated. I'm having a real hard time coping with life right now and feel it's going to fall down around me at any minute.
Thanks for reading,
GetBetterLekker
Cut all access to money/bankcards etc...without money or bankcards...we cannot gamble ...thats the first step. And in my opinion the most important.
Its like a ....man with no gun can't shoot anyone...
Ive no access to cards or money and you know what...its great...no pressure on me. And yes...it makes me feel like a child..but hell if i care
Deleted
Wow...well said dith2016. Think il read that again for my own benefit.
Hello. I hope your anxiety levels and self hatred have lessened. We have all had that feeling of despair, I dare say that's why we have all found this forum. I am also a slot addict, currently 17 days free and the urges and self hatred feel a long way in the past. I haven't let my guard down, I just think you eventually get to a point that you have more to loose than gain and begin to feel at peace with yourself once again. I think as addicts we look for quick solutions, quick fixes to pay off our bills. I am lifting spare money into a tin and have stopped myself bank balance checking. For me it was a trigger, the need for a quick fix. Now I am more of the attitude, bills get paid a bit at a time, they arnt going no where quick. This mind set has definitely gave me peace of mind. You can have this also if you let go of what you have lost and look forward to what you can save.
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