Hey everyone, as the title says, years of gambling addiction and failed attempts at quitting have driven me to despair to the point where I literally don't even know who I am anymore. I feel lost and trapped, confused and depressed, down and out, and yes, as much as I feel ashamed to admit this, I recently seriously contemplated suicide due to losing complete control over my thoughts and actions. This was following yet another situation where I had won nearly enough money to pay off all my debts, debts which I am constantly worried about, and yet I was still unable to stop and withdraw this money. Inevitably I carried on and lost all of it. Within minutes I had completely lost hope and I went a bit crazy. This scenario has happened so many times in the past and I just thought that I will never be able to withdraw any winnings and therefore pay off my debts so what hope have I got. This is despite telling myself on numerous occassions that I would never let this happen again and that I would withdraw at least some winnings next time. Add this to the fact that over the years I have lost all my friends due to my addiction, became gradually more and more depressed and anxious, lost my personality including confidence and enthusiasm, moved back in with my parents at 30 years old, haven't driven for years because I can't afford to, the list could go on. I'm also working in a job I hate for not much money simply because I have to be earning a regular wage to pay my never-ending debts. I hate getting up in the morning knowing that I have another day of working at a place I hate simply so I can pay gambling debts. I feel so sorry and sad for my parents that I am the person I am and the person I have become, I just want to cry. My mum just wants me to be happy and to find someone special to love and to have a family with. In truth this is all I want as well but it just seems impossible because of my debts and because of the person I have become. I'm sure I even have some kind of negative reputation at work and from people I know/have known. In fact I actually dream about a normal life with a family, going on days/evenings out, holidays etc, but I know it's not currently possible due to my gambling debts, my current situation and reputation, and the fact I can't stop gambling.These are more reasons why I feel trapped, lost and alone.
I couldn't possibly put into words how much gambing addiction has changed me as a person. before i started university many years ago, i was a happy, caring, and entusiastic person who felt positive and loved life. I was an approachable and popular person who always saw the best in people and would talk to anyone. I hated seeing people upset or unhappy and would go out of my way to cheer the person up. Over the years gambling addiction has turned me ito a completely different person. I now have all sorts of mental issues including depression, anxiety and sleep disorders. I am no longer enthusiastic about life and have began to lose touch with all my friends who i care about. I have started to become isolated from people and society and have turned into someone who is quiet and uninterested. I have only ever told my family that i'm addicted to gambling. I now wake up every day with worry and stress. The thought of going off to work in a job that i don't enjoy and get treated like rubbish, just to pay my gambling debt depresses me. Just writing this and thinking about the person i was in my younger years compared to now makes me upset and im holding back the tears right now.
I just feel like i'm running out of time which I haven't got enough of to have the life I want. I'm now 30 and not getting any younger. It's going to be a few more years before I can realistically pay off my debts, and many years after that before I can go back to being the person I was before my gambling addiction. I feel like it's only at this point that I could realistically see myself having the life I desperately want, a loving relationship and a family,seeing their faces every day, seeing their excitement at christmas, creating memories on fantastic holidays etc. The problem is I may be too old once I reach a point where this becomes realistically possible. I remember when I was about 22 saying to myself that by the time i'm 30, I want to be debt free and to have stopped gambling. This doesn't seem that long ago and my situation has only become worse. I feel so trapped and that I have no solutions to my problems. I hate to say it but I feel like there is only one solution. As much as this would be the easy way out however, I simply couldn't do this to my parents and my sister.
I really do not know where to go from here. As I have mentioned a few times, I really do feel trapped and hopeless until I can pay off my debts and start becoming happy, confident, and enthusiastic again, like I was before gambling addiction took a hold of me. I feel like i'm in an impossible situation and i'm crying out for help. What I do know is that gambling addiction is horrific and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It completely ruins lives and negatively changes peoples actions, mentalities, and personalities. I feel like i've completely ruined my life and that i'm not going to be able to have the life I want due to my age and my current situation. This really really depresses me. I just wish I could go back 15 years! I also really hope I don't get in a situation where I completely lose control of my thoughts and actions to the point where I am simply unable to think rationally. My mindset following my gambling loss a couple of nights ago actually scared me afterwards. Thanks for reading.
Steve.
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Hi Steve,
I could really relate to everything you talked about in your post. I'm in my early 30's too and know how you feel about feeling that you've wasted your 20's and how it feels like time is running out to settle down & have a family. Hating your job is another one I can relate to, with debt trapping you there you have no confidence and let people treat you badly because your so desperate for the money. I've been there. What I can say though is that things improve quicker than you might think if you abstain from gambling. Your currently living with your parents so you can use this as an opportunity to save some money. What I would say though is try not to get to hung up on the money and concentrate more on not gambling. If u stop gambling the debt will take care of itself. Try to socialise more. It will build your confidence whilst having fun, plus you might meet someone. Your still relatively young so if u make the changes u need to today in 5-10 years time you'll look back and be so greatful.
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