How to tell your partner about being a compulsive gambler

The only advise I could give is being completely honest no pony keep anything back get it all out in one go. Yes she will be upset an disappointed angry I could go on. They is no point keeping anything back she might as well be upset once.

You need to tell how it makes you feel and finish by telling her what you are going do stop and ask her to help you and work together

I told my partner and am not with her but thy was not a surprise I knew once I told her that was going to happen but it was not fair for me to carry on my lying deceitful ways and I had to stop for me and them and if that meant losing them that was the price u had to pay for mine and there future happiness

KTF

Hi Damian , Posted to you this morning and I'm glad your planning to tell your partner .

Never easy my friend and you really don't know what to expect , however I think that if you can show her proof of your determination to stop, that may help . You could show her your diary on here , or that youve spoken to gamcare regarding counciling or look to go down the GA route , also offer to hand over control of your finances to her so you no longer have ready access to funds ?.

All of these things would show her your accepting that you have a problem and are determined to do something about it and also by being honest with her so there's no lies !.

I'm sure others on the other side of the fence , ie partners and family will also give some input on your post soon !

Take care my friend and well done on the commitment to your recovery !

Alan

Hello Damo,

If you posted that question on f&f, what do you think the answer would be? & In there lies your answer.

Agreed with Oldham and Martin.

I suppose there is a time and a place which is more suitable but I think youve just got to get it out after a short build up

Its going to sound a bit manic and messy that first time but its all got to come out because you will have time later to discuss it again and again.

You could prepare something in writing so you remember any key points but you both probably wont like the reading of a speech

admitting a problem and saying exactly what you have been doing with nothing held back. This must fairly must quickly lead into what you are planning to do about it.

It wont all sink in at first for your partner. Most of it will be listening to a justified reaction and being humbled in the face of a very strong addiction.

It has to be done and there is no shame in stumbling over your words because its a hard thing to do

Thank you all for replying with some great words of advice.

I'm not sure I will ever feel guilt free until I've told my partner.

Just need some time to get my head round it all first I think.

Would love to hear other people's thoughts as well though please.

Hi Damian, If you posted this question on the Family and Freinds section , you may get a lot more response ? Just a thought !

Hello, Damien,

There are a lot of posts on this subject, try KelMar's. If you look at posts from me or Half Life, there is a similar theme and the same advice is repeated.

In a nutshell, not telling means that your relationship is still based on lies, including lies by omission. It's not real, the foundations are false.

Your partner will not, as the Friends & Family do not, appreciate being lied to and it's a terrible shock to find out. But telling takes guts and having the guts to tell can only be a good thing, a step forward towards an honest future. You can't have recovery without honesty, the two go together. You may be able to refrain from gambling for a while whilst keeping quiet but that's not recovery.

Actions speak louder than words and good intentions never to gamble again mean nothing. What counts are the measures that you take to give yourself a real recovery. In other words, it's no good telling her so that she can take the load off you, sort it out for you and you have managed to pass the buck. What counts is what you do to overcome your addiction. Show her you're serious by going to GA and/or counselling and putting real barriers in place. Hand over all financial control, downgrade your mobile, don't carry cards or cash that will tempt you, do self exclude. Most importantly, the debts are your responsibility, only you should repay them, not her. She can help and support you with your recovery if she wants to but she can't and shouldn't take on the problem and bailing you out solves nothing. She'll need time and support (from GC or GanAnon) and you should allow her these.

But whatever the outcome, honesty is the only way forward.

Wish you well.

CW

Hi CW,

Thank you very much for your words/advice. They kind of confirmed what was already on going through my head.

I'd be quite interested in reading this earlier subject.

Can you recommend an easy way to find them as I've had a look about and I can't seem to find what I'm looking for?

Damian

Hi damo

I gambled for 16 years. I last gambled 3 years ago. Shortly after I stopped gambling I told my partner (we'd been in rel about 6 months by this point)

I just blurted it out. Style isn't important it's just something scary but that we must do.

I'm fairly sure that my opening up is one of the main reasons I'm still gamble free.

Don't dwell, just do it.

Cheers

Louis

...and let us know how you get on

hey

I was a chicken and let her know by text 🙁 explained i'd maxed the cards and was worried as i didnt think there was any way out.... though as she later explained she could have killed me and gone off the rails if it wasnt for how she thought it make me feel worse etc ... I dont think there would be an easy way to do it rather count to 3 let go and just say it... look at how you will sort the finances out on your own and that you will hand over control to her of the cards etc..

hoping all goes well..

Kris

Hi,

My wife wanted to buy something and the account was empty. She asked. I confessed. Was all quite calm and serene really. But I told all - every nut and bolt.

I didn't look for or expect a pat on the back or sympathy. I had to prove that a) I could stop and b) remain stopped.

I handed my bank card over without being asked. I carried no card or cash for a long period of time. I went for counselling sessions and became more open and honest. On the rare occassions I was given cash I provided receipts to the penny. I lost 50p once and panicked cause I wanted her to know I had kept the gambling door shut.

In the future you may still be asked "why"? And you must answer calmly and honestly.

CW and half-life provide an amazing insight from the "other side". As a recovering cg it sometimes can be hard to read and comprehend but you must. (Thank you both)

Turn the tables round. If your wife was the one carrying out the same behaviour how would you feel?.

I wish you all the best