Hi
I have put so much effort in to quitting and was really enjoying life gamble free. About two months ago I found out that my partner was gambling and I went into panic mode. I spoke to people about it spoke to her about it and begged her to stop as it was constantly in my face and although I had quit for nearly 7 months it was tempting me. After numerous attempts to convince her to stop I relapsed and relapsed big time.
I do not blame her for my relapse as this was my stupid idiotic decision to return to my destructive behaviour. However in the midst of this turmoil I made a decision to leave as I could not deal with her addiction and my own. I felt angry and disappointed in myself and quite hypocritical as during the peak of my addiction she stuck by me.
I have been trying to keep myself busy and put the old barriers in place to help myself back on the road to recovery. I am trying to identify my triggers and deal with them when they arise. I was so pumped during my initial recovery as each day gamble fee was a days victory. There was so much self discovery and I was motivated.
It is definitely harder this time as I am completely on my own and my old self esteem keeps murmuring to me and reminding me of all the negatives and how I deserve to be punished for being such a bad person.
Temptation is there constantly and I have given in one or twice since my initial relapse.
I apologise for rambling on and I certainly am not looking for sympathy, I suppose what I am trying to highlight to anyone attempting this journey of recovery is to be aware of being vulnerable to set backs. Know that this awful addiction is always lurking in the background trying to lure you in ways you never thought possible. When people say you go back 10x worse, multiply that by 10 and you may just come close. Do find other things to keep you busy but be cautious not to become addicted to those things too.
I sincerely desire to reclaim the motivation that drove me during those 7 fantastic months of abstinence. It is not even a case of whether I want to give up it is more of a fact that if I do not give up then I will pay the ultimate price of which there are no second chances.
Thanks
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Thanks Robert,
I appreciate the encouragement and positive feedback.
Hi Zulu, sorry to hear you have been feeling low in yourself and through some trying times.
Abstaining and then slipping is a horrible feeling, and I have found for me I was actually shocked at how bad I felt when I slipped after a period of months of abstaining.
HOWEVER the main thing is we are back to being on the right road of recovery again. We WANT to be gambling free and that in itself is a big step.
Don't beat yourself up or be too hard on yourself. Guilt is the worst emotion to have, it will rip you to pieces...give yourself a break and let go of what you can't change now.
I have started a diary in the recovery diaries section to try help keep me on the road I want to be on which is gambling FREE.
This is my day 3 and I am determined to look to the future now. Best of luck to you! x
Hi Alannah,
You are absolutely right no-one can change what has happened we can only prevent the cycle from repeating itself.
Well-done for the three days and I am sure it will soon turn into 3 weeks and 3 months and hopefully years to come.
I know that instead of finding excuses to gamble I need to concentrate on excuses not to gamble.
Thanks for your words of encouragement and keep up the good work yourself.
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